Warning: Contains spoilers
I thought the songs they sung in Sound of Music were some of the most puerile and annoying I’d ever heard, but that was until I watched Willy Wanka and the Chocolate Factory!
Willy Wanka? What kind of pornographic name is that? And isn’t the name “Willy” kind of redundant? Well I say you ought to be made redundant if you enjoyed this piece of rubbish. You have this obvious pedophile; Wanka who has built a chocolate factory and still couldn’t get any children to work for him, so got the next best thing he could, Oompa Loompas.
But Willy Wanka becomes bored with his orange imps, so comes up with a way to lure REAL children into his snare by offering 5 of them a chance to visit his factory and win life supplies of chocolate. Of course, he was well aware that he’d only have to supply them with about two years’ worth because they wouldn’t last much longer than that due to contracting heart disease or diabetes.
So you have five brats who go to the factory little knowing that Wanka has plans to keep one of them there forever in his factory as his own play thing. Now don’t get me started on how outraged I was how this all turned out. The most loveable and sweetest of all the children was eliminated first! That’s right, beautiful, adorable Augustus Poop was tricked into drinking from the chocolate river and sucked up through a pipe, thus taking him out of the running for the final prize. Well I guess I should be happy about that, as it meant he escaped the clutches of the evil Wanka, but all I felt was a great sadness that they had eliminated the most virtuous of the children first!
The others were all nasty little shits though. You have that snobby little rich bitch Verucca Slat being the next to go, thrown down the garbage chute, where the script for this movie should have gone as soon as the producers got a hold of it. Then you have the equally as galling Violet Buttregard being blown up into a blueberry using some of the worst special effects I’ve ever seen in a movie. Did the director seriously expect us to believe that blue light shining on the face of an actress was really her skin turning blue? Then of course there was that lazy little good-for-nothing Mike Sleezee, getting shrunk into a miniature version. I sure wish I could do that trick to my son Tucker!
Then comes the worst of all the kids and the one that this movie focuses on. The extremely horrible and immoral Charlie Bonkit! What was the author of this story thinking when he made that little shit the main character? The boy has very few redeeming features at all! Not only is he obsessed with chocolate, but he’s a thief! He stole fizzy lifting drinks! He VANDALIZED the factory! How was he possibly able to get away with that atrocity? You never saw any of the other kids stealing anything. Just Charlie Bonkit! Appalling. And due to the fact, he was the only child who made it through the entire factory, Willy Wanka was FORCED to accept him as his apprentice!
Appalling. Absolutely appalling. What is this teaching our children? That they can steal and still be given huge rewards? Sickening! Truly sickening indeed! It also teaches us that you can have a healthy diet of nothing but sweets. I don’t know about you but I don’t want children thinking that! After all I want all the sweets for myself!
So all I have to say now is… Oompa Loompa doompity doo… I have advice especially for you… Watch this movie and you will spew… like the Oompa Loompa doompity do!
Stars = 1
Reviewer = Aunty Lil