Edition 9 - November 2016

 

ZOMBIES in 

DOWNTOWN AUCKLAND!

 

 

GOD - Exclusive interview!!!

 

UBBA MAGAZINE, CLEANS UP AT THE SMaTNoR AWARDS!

 

Caveman discovered masquerading as NEW ZEALAND POLITICIAN!

 

Some friend of some cousin of some celebrity DEAD! 

 

Big Foot myth exposed. Believers really are deluded!

 

Famous celebrity robbed. Loses .002% of her fortune.

 

Welcome to another edition of UBBA Magazine. We certainly are breaking records here because back in the 90s only 8 editions of UBBA Magazine were ever written and even then the 8th one never made it to the printing press. Why was that you asked? Well the writers simply decided they’d had enough. Like I said in a previous edition, if we don’t feel like writing, we don’t do it. As simple as that. We believe in having fun and if it ceases to be fun and it becomes a chore then we move on. That’s the way we roll here at UBBA Magazine.

 

The great news is though, it's almost been a year since we started with the online version and we’re still enjoying bringing you UBBA Magazine so will continue to release new issues… at least for as long as we can be bothered. So we hope you will enjoy this unprecedented ninth edition of UBBA Magazine.

 

Speaking of milestones, as you can see by this edition’s cover UBBA Magazine cleaned up at the SMaTNoR awards. We got best magazine. My beautiful wife got best writer. Rog Fisher’s fishing forum was awarded most informative. Funniest writer went to yours truly, although I always thought I was being serious with my introductions. Plus we picked up many other awards besides.

 

By the way if you’re never heard of the SMaTNoR awards or what it even stands for, then we’re both in the same boat. I’d never heard of them either. When I found out what it stood for I just couldn’t believe it. In fact I won’t believe it as this magazine is one of the most popular online magazines on the net. Well we like to fantasize about that anyway. SMaTNoR stands for “Silly Magazines That Nobody Reads”.

  

If it’s true that nobody actually reads this magazine, then they are going to miss out on possibly the most incredible interview ever. This month, while Colin Hewgill takes yet more time off because he’s such a slacker, my gorgeous wife Vanessa will be once again on the job. She will be interviewing the biggest celebrity you could possibly get ever! In fact I didn’t even believe this guy existed until now. That’s right, Vanessa will be interviewing none other than GOD himself! Because of the length of the interview, it will be split into several parts, Colin, my friend, you might not be needed for the next few editions!
 

Due to having this huge interview, Vanessa has decided not to do her assessment this edition. Tucker Pyles however, has been itching to do more writing, so he will step in and write that column this month. I better warn you though, reading too much of Tucker’s bizarre and twisted opinions is libel to have you needing to be admitted to a padded cell. 

 

Back with us this month is our US correspondent Badkitty, to stick up for Americans and also tell us why she was absent from last month's edition. Hey Badkitty, you don't have to justify anything to us here at UBBA. We have a rule here and that's we only contribute if we damn well feel like it. ;)

 

Well that’s it from me for this edition. Enjoy! 

 

Rex Cassidy

 

 

Bizarre about talk. Backwards? Everything doing. That? Like live people can how. Reverse in runs everything where Earth to identical planet a is there believe to hard it’s. Threrr called planet discovered newly the about article regular new Magazine’s UBBA loved really I say to have I.

Renner Bob

 

(Dumbass a such are you.)

 

 

I wish to complain about the way I am portrayed in the “Pyles Family Restaurant” comic strip in your magazine. I am being made to look like a complete dumbass who doesn’t know how to run a kitchen. I would never serve up the type of food that the character in that cartoon serves to his customers. The cartoon also makes me look like a greedy, selfish jerk!  Really the whole concept of me owning a restaurant is just ludicrous anyway. If I’m gonna own a place that cooks food, I’m gonna eat it all myself!
Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

 

That Mad Dave is a wonder. I’m a Taurus and I have found that Mad Dave’s predictions are 100% accurate. Most horoscope writers print a lot of garbage which half the time doesn’t make any sense, let alone come true. Most horoscopes aren’t even serious! I take my Fedora off to ya Mad Dave! Keep it up!

Indiana Jones

Indiana

 

 

I disagree with the above letter. I am a firm disbeliever in all Horoscopes, but Mad Dave’s Harriscopes are the biggest load of bollucks I've ever read. He knows nothing about astrology and it is obvious by the amount of rubbish he prints. At least most astrologists try to be serious but Mad Dave does not. Frankly, I think all horoscopes are a waste of time, especially Mad Daves, but then again, I’m a Pisces and Pisces are always sceptical about things like that.

Shirley Clements

New York

 

 

I have to say, I'm really appreciating your words of wisdom from Pastor Jake. So many Christians try to twist the bible and are dishonest about it, trying to candy coat it. Pastor Jake, is a breath of fresh air because he does not try to sweep the nasty stuff under the carpet. He tells it like it is and gives an honest portrayal of God and the bible and it's not all pretty. God is who God is. Preach it, Brother Jake!

Billy Graham, USA 

 

(UBBA Magazine have found that Pastor Jake is definitely one of the more honest Christians out there.)

 

 

Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you. 

 

If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.

 

Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World

 

 

Interviewer = Vanessa Dante

Interviewee = God

 

Session 1

 

Vanessa: Hello again. It’s great to be filling in for Colin once again. I’ve really hit the jackpot this time, because I’m interviewing someone that’s never been interviewed before in any magazine or even on television. This super celebrity claims to have created the entire world and also claims to love everyone. I have some serious doubts about that, but here he is right here. GOD!

 

God: Hello there Vanessa. How does it feel being an atheist, but getting to talk to me face to face?

 

Vanessa: Very surreal indeed. I guess I should feel privileged, because there are thousands every day crying out to you begging you to help them, but they just get ignored.

 

God: I can’t be everywhere at once you know.

 

Vanessa: I thought you were omnipresent?

 

God: Ok, ok, I am, it’s just that when you’re a god you get fed up with everybody crying out to you and demanding things from you. Most people don’t even say please.

 

Vanessa: So even those poor children living in abusive situations or starving to death? You just ignore them?

 

God: Look, it’s not all up to me. I have created millions of humans and its their jobs to make this world a better place, not mine.

 

Vanessa: Oh so you’re passing the buck then?

 

God: I’m god. I can pass as many bucks as I see fit to my creations.

 

Vanessa: But yet you’re quite happy to help someone find their car keys when they’ve lost them. Or bless their food at meal times… or provide sunny weather for church picnics. Why will you help those people with trivial things like that, but won’t help those in desperate need?

 

God: Don’t blame me for that. If my followers stopped asking for trivial things I’d have more time to deal with the important matters.

 

Vanessa: So why do you help people win at sports and pass examinations? Is that high on the list of your priorities, helping your followers cheat? Helping them gain benefits over other people that they aren’t entitled to? Couldn’t you ignore those cheats requests and deal with the important matters instead? Saving starving and abused children?

 

God:  Look, you, I’m God and I can freaking well do whatever I like!  I work in mysterious ways and that’s all you need to know. My ways are higher than yours! Besides a lot of those children that cry out to me are evil little shits! Why would I help them?

 

Vanessa: Because you love them? Because you’re a caring and merciful god?

 

God: You’ve been reading too much Christian propaganda, little woman. Stuff written by ass kisses, looking to kiss my ass and get special favours. Oh you’re a wonderful God! You're merciful!  We give you glory! We lift you up! We exalt you! Yeah, yeah, yeah, do they really think I’m that much of an egomaniac that I have to have my ego stroked all the time? I’m not! I’m a fucking god and god’s aren’t that nice! Sometimes we like to see our creations suffer. That’s the way we roll.

 

Vanessa: We? I thought you were the only god.

 

God: Once again you’ve been reading too much Christian propaganda. There are many gods, but most of them have no interest in what goes on, on this planet. You know, sweet cakes, I only approached UBBA Magazine for an interview just so I could sit down with you. You remind me a lot of the goddesses I used to rub shoulders with.

 

Vanessa: Used to?

 

God: Yeah, well even goddesses get fed up with us male gods being sexist pigs and unleashing our wrath on everything. The last goddess I had anything to do with refused to see me again after I sent that flood to wipe out the entire earth.

 

Vanessa: So that really happened then?

 

God: Well no, it was just a local flood. I mean, come on, all those animals aboard one ship? Even a moron could figure out that would never work for a thousand reasons. But still apparently wiping out hundreds of thousands of humans and animals in one flood is something that pisses off a lot of goddesses.

 

Vanessa: Yeah, well it would piss me off too.

 

God: Are you sure you’re not a goddess?

 

Vanessa: Oh don’t you start. I got enough of that at high school. I’m no goddess. And before you even consider it, I don’t go for genocidal maniacs and I already have my man.

 

God: Is he a god?

 

Vanessa: A way hotter one than you! Anyway, why are you asking me questions like that? I thought you were omniscient?

 

God: Omniscient? Seriously? Do you think I would have created a creature like Satan if I were omniscient and knew what a monster he’d become?

 

Vanessa: So Satan is real then?

 

God: Yeah, but he rebelled. Got sick of me unleashing my wrath on everything.

 

Vanessa: So he rebelled on principle? Not because he wanted to be a god like you?

 

God: Be like me? HUH! Even Satan is not that stupid.  He knows he could never usurp me. It would be like a toddler trying to take on Mike Tyson in a boxing match. To be honest, I kind of miss the little guy actually. He’s not such a bad old stick really.

 

Vanessa: So he’s not a monster then?

 

God: Nahhh… most of the stories are highly exaggerated or made up to demonise him. But come on, if I were all knowing I’d know he would rebel, so I’d have done something to prevent that from happening.

 

Vanessa: Like not being such a tyrant?

 

God: Exxxxxactly! But hey, I've mellowed out these days. I don't unleash my wrath like I used to.

 

Vanessa: Perhaps. Anyway, you were saying earlier that you have passed the buck on to humans to do your work for you. They are expected to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, save children from sexual slavery and all that. They also seem to like doing the talking for you…

 

God: Yeah, I hate that. All those deluded morons going around thinking they’re speaking on my behalf and that they talk to me. I wouldn’t talk to those cretins.  I would rather talk to more rational folk like the atheists, but they just don’t believe in me, so I get nowhere with them.

 

Vanessa: So you pretty much expect all of mankind, even those who aren’t Christians to do your work for you?

 

God: Absolutely! I’m a god, so I should be able to put my feet up.

 

Vanessa: Well how do you expect us to save children from sexual slavery? These children are in places we can’t find. Why don’t you tell a few of your followers where those places are so they can get rescued?

 

God: Which ones though? That’s the problem. The religious folk like the Christians are living in a fantasy world and aren’t listening to me, just their own imaginations. And like I said, the sensible ones are the ones who don’t believe in me so don’t believe that any god is talking to them.

 

Vanessa: Well why don’t you speak in a clearer manner instead of just voices in people’s head that can become confused with their own voices? Or instead of stupid dreams?

 

God:  I work in mysterious ways remember? How am I supposed to promote myself as “he who works in mysterious ways” if I don’t actually work in mysterious ways? And if any of what I said made sense, then my ways would not be higher than your ways would it? I have to remain unintelligible and incomprehensible. I have to allow contradictions and conflicts. Otherwise I’d just come across as being some average god.

 

Vanessa: And yet here you sit talking to me in a simple to understand manner.

 

God: Well that’s because I wanted to get to know you better. You are really hot, you know. I’m really pleased with what I created in you. In fact I’d have to say you are my most perfect creation yet.

 

Vanessa: Ummm… thanks, I think. But I’d really you didn’t look at me that way. Get any ideas and I’ll have my husband in here to kick your butt and I can guarantee you he’s not afraid of no god.

 

God: Hey, don’t forget I’m the almighty! Nobody is greater than me!

 

Vanessa: There’s that ego!

 

God: Oh, sorry about that. I guess I let my followers praises go to my head some time. Is it time for lunch yet? I want KFC.

 

Vanessa: Sure, we can take a break if you like. 

 

 

Interview will continue in next edition’s UBBA Magazine… 

Click on cartoon to enlarge.

One of many apologies for Trump 

 

The United States has developed worldwide renown for our drawn out and contentious election season. In fact, the 2020 election is already under development here, I shit you not. 

 

Let's address the giant powdered orange elephant in the room, motherfucking Trump. 

 

I freely allege that the man WOULD fuck his mother. I mean, look at how he sees his daughter. He referred to her as a piece of ass, for fuck's sake. 

 

That piggish, pussy grabbing dickhead does NOT represent most of America as I know it. 

 

Ya'll must think we're over here stuffing our siblings and buying tacky Chinese made ties to go with our garbage bag sheeny suits. 

 

I've got no problem with Chinese people wanting to feed their families, but this asshole gives them ridiculous amounts of business. His shit is so tacky that the people being forced to create it for pennies on the dollar must go home at night and wonder how to smuggle guns in just to shut down their own shame. 

 

He wasn't my idea, folks. Not mine AT ALL. If you have American friends, tell them to get off their asses and VOTE!

 

Badkitty 

 

 

 

 

I took a month off from correspondencing. You see, I done some stuff I ain't proud of, and now I have to fess up. 

 

See, I got hooked on earworms. BAD. 

 

It's been Fergie, it's been Nelly Furtado, it's been Spencer Ludwig. It goes on and on from there. It's as bad as it seems.

 

Have you ever seen a middle aged fatass shake her ass to Fifty Cent/Lovemakers  mashups? Twerking on that depraved level threatens to end the world, even if it's behind closed doors! 

 

My London, London Bridge wanted to go down. I was so Fancy. I was fully engulfed in Uptown Funk. Frankie told me to, so I had to Relax.

  

I HAD TO. 

 

The earworms are everywhere! They are Diggy! What am I to do? 

 

The cats, for what it's worth, don't seem all that traumatized but it, but they are far from impressed with me. I don't blame them. They can, I suppose, go hide in the basement, but I eventually make it down  there and from there...

  

I SING.

 

It's bad, but I take it minute by minute. You can't truly eliminate earworms, but you CAN manage them, if you can keep from turning everything into an earworm.

 

Kids, I can't. Help me. Save Me Now.

 

Badkitty

 

In this series of articles, we learn more about the new planet that has been discovered, one which appears to be Earth but runs backwards.

 

The Threrrian Life Cycle – Part 2

 

   Life on Threr can start out in various forms. There seems to be no hard-set rule as to what condition you start life. There are an unusually high number of deformities at birth, but most are easily treated. One may start quite fit and healthy, but more often than not one will start out looking old with the possibility of brain damage. If this is the case, it could be years before a Threrrian starts to gain fitness and strength, but it’s guaranteed that one day he will, unless of course he has some form of disability or illness.

   The value that Threrrians put on their children is alas, very low indeed. For most of their child’s life, they will usually only play a small part in it, if none at all. It is usually not until the final 15 to 20 years of a Threrrian’s life that other Threrrians will start to take a more hands- on approach to their lives, but even then, their intentions are dubious, especially when they take advantage of an aging child’s increasing gullibility by stealing things off them.

As on Earth Threrrians become more and more dependent on caregivers, expecting more and more from them all the time, reaching a stage where they refuse to do anything for themselves. They expect to be carried around wherever they go, refuse to go to the toilet and even come to expect a younger Threrrian to spoon-feed them.

 

When life begins, generally a person may be in one of three states: Intmeryteer, Kruw or Eduts. Generally, Intmeryteer comes first, then Kruw, then Eduts. Some may even train to do charitable works at a Nihzirp.

 

Intmeryteer (The early years)

           

This is the process in which you vitalise yourself for the rest of your life. It’s a time where you begin to wind up for your time of life in employment. It’s a time for recreation. It is also a time for saving money to get into the work force.

As at any stage of one’s life, Intmeryteer can be either a joyous time or a miserable time. Fortunately most Threrrians will have a loving family who will try to ensure that their lives start out easy, but alas it seems that many children are never adopted. Many newborns are sent directly to what we on Earth would call Orphanages where they are cared for by specialists. Threrrians call these Intmeryteer homes. All though they get to spend their first few years with other children, it can be a very sad and lonely time for some. For others though, Intmeryteer homes can be a positive experience.

Threrrians do not go to school, but they do have the natural ability to learn as they grow. They pick up all sorts of knowledge very quickly. They seem to have the innate ability already in them to learn to read and pick up practical skills. By the time they are old enough to work, they have the skills needed to be successful.

When a Threrrian is old enough he/she will leave the Intmeryteer homes and either move into their own places or with friends. Some will find partners who they will fall in love with and over time those relationships will become sexual. Others will find themselves adopted – as adults into already existing families and accepted as if they always belonged there.

 

Kruw (Work)

 

Most Threrrians are eager to work and will pay large sums of money to get the best jobs. Generally, Threrrians have built up a large nest egg in their early years to pay out for the top jobs available. They normally get them ahead of older Threrrians who generally do not have the financial wealth to afford these jobs.

Paying for work year after year drains away a lot of capital. As a result of this, Threrrians are often forced to take on jobs that cost less. If they are particularly lucky they will obtain enough funds to take on a totally different, more expensive job later on. Threrrian governments also help by subsidising jobs and paying a certain amount of money to the workplaces on behalf of the employees.

Later on in their lives, most Threrrians will have managed to gain employment at a reasonable cost and will no longer be interested in high cost jobs. In fact once you get to a certain age, you are normally forced out of higher costing employment, into cheaper jobs to make way for younger, wealthier candidates.

 

Psychologist - Dr Kathleen Malcolm comments:

This attitude of working for the love of work, rather than money, is not all that uncommon on Earth either. Many people choose to work, because they wish to feel of value to society, or because they feel they need to be doing something. Elderly in particular will work for no pay, so that they can still feel as if they are useful. In the Threrrian culture, it is obvious that most, if not all, feel it crucial to contribute to their society, which is why they are even willing to pay to come to work.

 

*          *          *

 

In the next edition we find out more about the types of jobs Threrrians do. 

 

Well I just got back from my fishing trip of Louisiana. I seem to remember getting drunk again aboard some boat but don’t recall actually catching any fish. I guess I must have, being the keen angler I am, but alcohol tends to make my memory a little hazy.

 

This edition though I thought I would continue telling you some more about different types of fish I’ve captured over the years:

 

ANCHOVIES – These are disgusting tasting things that they put on pizzas, so my advice is just not to bother catching any of these.

 

FLYING FISH –  Rarotonga’s a good place to go to catch flying fish. Just go on a Whale Watching tour. You won’t actually see any whales, but you’ll see a few flying fish.

 

STONEFISH – Raratonga is a good place to catch stonefish too, but I don’t see a lot of point. I mean who really wants to eat a fish that’s gonna break your teeth when you chow down on them? I mean how long would it take to cook one anyway?

 

MACKEREL - The mackerel is one of the biggest fish you can go fishing for. 200 years ago a guy was fishing and he got a hold of one and it nearly broke his boat into tiny pieces. When he started reeling it up and he saw how huge it was, he cried out “Holy Mackerel!” And that’s how the fish got its name.

 

MULLET – This is one of the world’s most ridiculous looking fish. It’s why they named that ridiculous looking 80s hair style after it.

 

ROACH – More of a pest than anything. When you’re trying to catch a real fish, one of these buggers ends up on the hook instead. When you kill a female one of these, you have to make sure that the entire thing is completely destroyed, because its eggs may still hatch and spawn more roaches.

 

 

Ok folks, that’s it for this edition. Tune in again next time. I have another great fishing trip I’m about to go on so will want to tell you all about it. 

 

God hopeful??

 

For the last few months, as I travel around the city, I’ve been seeing a billboard. Every time I see it, it brings out the righteous anger of our loving father in me.

 

Every time you say my name, I hear and get hopeful – God

 

What it is saying is that God loves us so much and cares for us so much that he just longs for us to call on his name. He longs for us to have a relationship with him. And when we reject him we bring him pain.

 

How dare that person? How dare he, my brothers and sisters ever suggest that our almighty father would feel pain? That would make him like a FALLIBLE human being! It would make him out to be a being who lacks something. Who is not complete. Anyone who would feel hurt lacks something and MY GOD LACKS NOTHING! There can be no pain, physical or emotional for our heavenly father, my brothers and sisters! None at all! He can’t be hurt and he can’t be offended. He can never be upset even when throwing billions upon billions of evil sinners and false Christians into the fiery pits of Hell! HALLELUUUUUJAH!

 

 

Every time you say my name, I hear and get hopeful – God

 

Let’s get back to this piece of blasphemy shall we? How can a deity that is meant to be all-knowing ever be hopeful? How, my brothers and sisters? He knows everything that is going to happen. He knows who are going to be his followers and who he is going to barbeque in Hell for all eternity (Hallelujah!). He knows who are going to call on his name with sincerity and who is going to use his name in vain. So how is it possible he could ever hope for anything? And if he is all-powerful, then his will would be strong enough that he would never have to hold out any hope at all. What he wants he would get! HALLELUJAH! Burn those sinners, my father! Burn them!

 

Every time you say my name, I hear and get hopeful – God

 

Not only does this quote show a blatant ignorance of the omniscience of God, my brothers and sisters, it also shows the audacity of some people who think that they have the right to speak for God… to claim that they somehow understand God better than everyone else on the planet.  An all-knowing, all-powerful God hardly needs some idiot human to speak on his behalf. If he wanted to put up a billboard for all mankind to read, he could easily erect some kind of holographic one that can be seen by every person in the world. Oh yes he could, my brothers and sisters! He could!

 

Every time you say my name, I hear and get hopeful – God

 

I’d like to know who this person who claims to speak for God is and what authority does he/she have? Is this person considered by anyone to be a spokesperson from God? Is this person even a genuine follower of Christ like you and I, brothers and sisters? One thing that is certain, is that there is nothing at all biblical in that quote. Therefore I can only conclude that the person who came up with this ridiculous statement is a HERETIC and a BLASPHEMER.

 

I can tell you now, brothers and sisters, do not try to speak on behalf of God! That is not your job! If he wants to speak, I’m sure he is quite capable of speaking for himself. Don’t you?

 

AMEN!

 

Letters

 

Dear Pastor Jake

I normally agree with everything you say. You are a very wise man, but in the last edition of UBBA Magazine you made some comments that I disagreed with. You talked about the disciples and how weak and wishy washy they were. But the thing you didn’t point out was just how mighty they became after Jesus was crucified. They went on and did great things in his name and even died for their faith. So how can you insist they were so pathetic?

Paul Hyde

 

Dear Poor,

If you disagree with me then you are disagreeing with Jesus, because he is the one who reveals these truths to me. Yes, the disciples did go on and do mighty things in Jesus’s name, but just because they did and just because they were martyrs doesn’t make them anything more special than you or I. After all, there are people who strap explosives to themselves and blow themselves up for their gods. They ram planes into buildings for their gods. Do you consider them praiseworthy? Likewise, should the disciples be heralded for giving their lives? Perhaps they simply did what they did as a result of blind faith like those terrorists we see on the news?

 

Dear Pastor Jake

Hi, it’s me Pastor Tucker.  Your previous advice has been great and the followers of my new religion have bought the excuses that I used about God blessing my ministry and requiring large donations of cash to be able to continue with it. However I have once again had complaints that none of the money seems to be going to any worthy causes, after all I have no missions or ministries operating. Can you suggest some ministries I can start up that won’t cost me too much of my offering money? Or ones that may actually benefit me in some way?

Pastor Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

Dear Tucker

There are many ways you can have ministries going that can benefit you and also not use up too much cash. Every Christian charity and church uses the majority of their income to pay generous salaries and keep their offices and buildings looking top notch and modern. You can certainly do the same. After all your buildings should be temples, places that a king should be able to visit, after all Jesus IS king! Do not feel guilty about having all the latest bells and whistles. With technology in particular, you can say it makes your ministry more efficient and that you reach more souls because of it.

 

Think hard about charities you can perform. Performing some kind of service would benefit you and make the people in your congregation believe you really are doing something for the less fortunate. Also it will give your ministry a good name. You could even send yourself on a missionary journey to some place like the Bahamas or Hawaii. How about that?  Pastors go on missionary and leadership trips to all sorts of exotic locations at the expense of their congregations. Nobody knows that all they do is preach at a couple of church services and spend the rest of the time sightseeing and relaxing on beaches.

 

 

Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorse the methods recommended by Aunty Lil

 

^ I am getting really irritated by this disclaimer that appears in my column each edition. Someone is going to get a damn good thrashing if it's not removed next edition!

 

In this edition of UBBA Magazine, I continue with my series on teenagers and how to deal with the unique situations you will come across; situations you would not come across when they were a lot younger. A lot of parents say that once they reach puberty and move into their teens that this is a delicate stage in their development. That mistakes can be made here which can have far reaching consequences on their esteem and their future relationships. Well I say nonsense! Teenagers are simply just deliberately rebellious and get a great deal of pleasure over making your life difficult. Don’t give those little shits an inch!

 

Alcohol

 

I think it’s atrocious that there are parents out there that allow children as young as 12 years old to drink alcohol. That is just absolutely ludicrous and the epitome of lousy parenting. You should at least wait until they are 14. Be wary though. There seem to be certain types of behavior when someone overindulges in alcohol. There are these types of drunks as far as I can see: 

 

The Angry Drunk – Your teenager may exhibit violent tendencies. There is one thing to do when dealing with this sort of rowdy teen. Just get out your belt and give them a damn good thrashing.

 

The Silly Drunk – Your teenager will start to do silly and ridiculous things. Sometimes dangerous things. If things go too far, simply tie them up to their bed. If they are getting too big for you to handle simply knock them over the head with something hard and then tie them to whatever is handy.

 

The Promiscuous Drunk – Your teenager may start to get sexual urges, in which case you don’t want anyone of the opposite sex around them.  But if you can’t get rid of them, then simply have your teen take a cold shower and keep having one until they sober up.

 

The Deluded Drunk – The drunk that thinks he knows everything and thinks they can do anything. This is my son, Tucker when he is drunk. Funnily enough, he’s much the same when he’s sober! If you have one of these just have them perform some ridiculous stunt that you know they’ll never succeed in doing. Then video them make a complete idiot of themselves and post it on the Internet to humiliate them further.

 

In fact, I recommend videoing all the above drunken behavior. Public humiliation is the best way to deal with your wayward teenager. If only I’d had the Internet when my son was a teenager… although I’m making up for it now!

 

Babysitting

 

The law says that a child should not be left home alone if they are under 12 years old. Well I say even older than that is too young to be left home alone. In fact, teenagers can be a nightmare if you leave them home alone. They think they can do anything they like.  Teenagers should most definitely have a baby sitter. Up until 18 years old or at least until they leave home. Someone responsible needs to be in charge.

 

The last time I had my son, Tucker baby-sitted, was when he was 19.  He complained because the baby-sitter was only 14 years old. I always employ baby sitters that age! I became so infuriated with the fat chump I told him that if ever I wasn’t going to be home, he couldn’t be either. So from then on, whenever I was away, he had to live in the garden shed.

 

……………

 

Enough advice for this edition. Please try to be better parents to your teenagers. More tips next week!

 

 

 

Hi ubbheads! I hope you all had a go at cooking my special La Sag Nee last month. If you didn’t, then you really are truly ubbheads, because it’s the best Lasagne you will ever taste. This month I have two things happening. I’m going to tell you about some special Pyles gourmet family pizzas and the ingredients you can put on them to make some of the best pizzas you’ll ever taste. Then I’m going to answer some questions that have built up by my fans. Special cooking questions.

 

So check out these great Pyles gourmet pizza ideas!

 

Hawaiian Pizza:

Most Hawaiian pizzas are boring with just ham and pineapple on them. Mine more closely follow the ingredients that the ancient Hawaiian’s used to eat instead of pineapple. Yes, huhu grubs! Much juicier than pineapple, I guarantee it!

 

Curried Snail Pizza:

Collect up a heap of garden variety snails, boil them up with a rich curry sauce and put them on a pizza base. You can’t go wrong! You’ll just love the crunch.

 

BBQ Chicken and M&M Pizza: Yep, you guess it. It’s your standard BBQ chicken, but with candy coated M&Ms sprinkled over the top of it. Sometimes I swap the M&Ms for 100s & 1000s instead.

 

Road Kill Pizza: The Pyles version of the meatlover’s pizza. Instead of buying expensive meats from the supermarket, just drive along a country road. Pick up the odd corpse of a possum, bird, rabbit or cat. Not worth eating as a roast dinner, but enough to put on pizzas!

 

Seafood Pizza: This one is a special one because it includes Rocky Mountain Oysters, rather than normal oysters. But you still get the prawns, the crab meat and the seaweed to go with it.

 

Stoner’s Pizza:  No, it doesn’t have stones on it, but you can add them if you want for extra crunch. The stoner’s pizza is especially for your stoners out there. Grab a few boxes of cigarettes and tear them apart. Sprinkle the tobacco all over the pizza base. (You can just buy straight tobacco for this). Then sprinkle some marijuana on it as well. Then splash on some vodka, set a light to it, let it burn out and then eat! It’s a great vegetarian option too! Cowabunga dude!

 

Letters

 

Dear Chef Pyles,

I have trouble getting pavlova to rise. It always ends up flat. Do you have any good tips to get them up to the height they should get to?

Maurice Mitchell

 

You bet I do. I used to have this problem all the time, mainly because I’d eat most of the mixture before I actually cooked it, but even when I made extra mixture, the Pav would always come out flat just like yours. But why go to all that trouble to get it perfect? Do what I do now and that is get some spray foam and fill up the bottom of the dish with it. It looks like real pavlova even once it sets. Then just coat the top of it with the real pavlova mix. Just serve up the real pavlova and leave the hardened foam in the bottom of the dish. Genius, huh?

 

Dear Chef Pyles,

I wish to make a cake but I don’t want to have to use sugar. However artificial sweeteners never seem to do the trick. The cake just doesn’t taste the same. What can I use instead of sugar that isn’t an artificial sweetener?

Melanie Chester

 

Hey, you’ve come to the right person with that question. I’m an expert on nutrition and know the perfect things to use as alternatives to things that people, for some crazy reason, deem to be unhealthy. If you don’t want to use sugar there are many other things that you can use to sweeten your cake. Take some boiled sweets… the perfect substitute… and then just crush them into a fine powder and use that instead.  Another thing you can do is change the standard milk you would use in your recipe to chocolate milk. If it’s a chocolate cake you’re making that would be perfect. You could even add in melted chocolate as well, particularly when it comes to the icing.

 

Dear Chef Pyles, 

I want to cook my girlfriend a nice romantic roast dinner. I want to roast  a bird of some kind, but think chicken is a little boring because people roast those up all the time.  I’m not a fan of duck, so that’s out. Turkeys are too expensive. What else is there?

Myron Hastings

 

When I cook a roast dinner for my lady… well IF I had a lady, I would do one of my favourite roast dinners. Roast magpie! Well one isn’t enough, I normally have a few and I even shoot them myself. The beauty is that magpies are easy to track down and easy to pick off one by one. Shoot them, pluck them yourself and then roast them in an oven with a mixture of herbs and spices. Oh and don’t forget to cover them with a coating of raspberry sauce after you’ve cooked them. UBBA!

 

 

 

A monthly column where readers send in letters with personal problems to solve. Our psychological expert Will Ulman (Alias Wal) has the answers and will gladly give his advice free. Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Wal will give sensitive,caring advice to help you solve it.

 

Dear Wal 

Hi, it’s me again, the paper bag guy. I don’t know why I’m calling myself that, but I have to call myself something that you’ll recognise right away. I am actually writing you this letter from prison as the police and the jury didn’t believe the real reason why I wore that paper bag over my head when I went into the bank. So anyway, I took your advice and I started to wear a Mike Tyson paper bag, but it seems now I’m a target for every scum bag in the entire place. They all want to have a go at me, but I’m no fighter. I can’t beat these guys and as a result have been getting beat up every day. However I’m too scared to take the paper bag off because I don’t want people to know my true identity. I just want to do my time and hope that nobody will ever know who I am or that I’m in here. What can I do to avoid all the beat downs?

Targeted

 

Reply

You’re in luck, paper bag guy. I just happen to be a huge Prison Break fan. I have all the DVDs and it’s one of my all-time favourite shows. There were two characters on that show who all the other prisoners feared. One was a mob boss named Abruzzi played by actor Peter Stormare and the other a sociopathic murderer, T-Bag played by Robert Knepper. Get hold of a photograph of one of them to put on front of your paper bag. Abruzzi if you want to be the scary mob guy who everyone’s afraid to piss off in case you have their families murdered, or go for T-Bag if you want everyone to think you’re the guy who will slit their throats without any qualms or remorse.

 

 

 

Dear Wal,

It seems no matter where I go and whatever I do, people just refuse to take me seriously. What can I do to get people to take me seriously?

Frustrated

 

Reply

Is this some kind of a joke? I haven’t got time to waste with nonsense letters like yours!

 

 

 

Dear Wal

My wife is becoming very frustrated with me complaining that after I come home from work all I do is play video games. She complains I don’t spend enough time with her. Weekends too, I like to play video games because I’ve been working hard all week and she just stays home and looks after our baby. So I need that time just to slip away and be free from the trials of life. I just can’t give up video games. I just love them too much.

Games Fanatic

 

Reply

You love them more than your own wife? If that’s the case, maybe you’re better off not being married at all. Your wife has to come first, pal, but I do have some sympathy for you. No doubt she spends most of her day watching soaps and chat shows, while the baby plays or sleeps. My ex was like that. And then she had the cheek to say it was a hard job looking after a kid. Yeah whatever! Kids are easy if you know what you’re doing. As for my advice for you? Well I’m afraid there’s no easy way out of this one. You’re gonna have to get a divorce. Then you can spend all your time romancing hot animated females on computer games instead. I’m sure they’re more your type.

 

 

Dear Wal,

You are a complete ubbhead. I told my mother that I didn’t want her moving in with me and told her that I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet. It worked! She agreed with me for the first time in my life and that there was no way she was going to mother me anymore. Seeing as it went so well, I went with your second bit of advice too and called her an old bag. She blew her stack and ended up beating me WITH an old bag. Why did you give me good advice one moment and then crap advice the next?

Tucker Pyles  (UBBA Magazine columnist)

 

Reply

It’s all good advice as far as I’m concerned. Well it’s made me feel good anyway; especially knowing you got a good old fashioned beat down complements of your mother’s hand bag. Hey, at least she doesn’t want to live with you now, right? Be thankful to your Uncle Wal for that!

 

 

Dear Wal,

Judging by the replies you give to people’s problems I can see that you are a guy with a lot of wisdom. I am currently doing a degree and exams are coming up, but I don’t want to spend hours and hours every day studying. I want to make the optimum use of my time but yet still learn what I need to learn to cruise through the examinations. What would you advise?

Student

 

Reply

Do what I used to do. Cram as much in as I could the night before the exam. Hey, remember that those training places have to get a certain number of people to pass, so even if you fail by a few marks, they’ll boost your mark up to a pass, because they want you to pass. If everybody fails then it makes THEM look bad! 

 

 

Brought to you by Mad Dave Harris

 

 

PISCES

There’s some real drama going on in your life at the moment. Oh wait, it’s just that stupid soap opera you’ve been watching on television.

 

AQUARIUS
There are so many stars and relationships being formed within the stars today that's almost impossible to keep track of everything, So I’ll just let you sort it all out.

 

CANCER

What you cover up and hide from other people is now an issue, What? You didn’t know? It’s all over the bloody Internet!

 

TAURUS

While the Sun is still in a friendly alliance with Jupiter, that means you can get away with anything you like because they’re too busy flirting with each other.

 

SAGGITTARIUS

You might bump into an old friend today. Just apologise and then go have a beer with him.

 

VIRGO

Be careful about taking advice from online magazines.

 

CAPRICORN

It will be the crankiness of other people that blocks your progress. Argument is rife. Delays are inevitable. Joint exercises are an uphill struggle. Progress will be impossible while your team is arguing. Just go take the rest of the day off and leave those morons to figure it all out.

 

AERIES
Little escapes your eagle eye. That’s because you are one nosey bloody pest. Maybe it’s about time you started minding your own damn business?

 

GEMINI

The planets warn that no matter how much you may desire something once you have got it you will realize it was not what you wanted after all.  You really have no clue do you? But not all Geminis are as clueless as you. At least I hope not.

 

LEO

The sun’s link with Mercury, planet of the mind, means that good thoughts will more often than not lead to good things. But not in your case. Only bad things will result from your thoughts and good job too! Leos deserve all the shit they get!

 

SCORPIO
That little voice in your head is trying to tell you something today. Just ignore it. After all that little voice is not God.

 

LIBRA

 

You will come across many positive and happy people today, the kind of people that always look at the bright side of everything. Don’t those people piss you off?

 

 

An ordeal at the supermarket 2      By Tucker Pyles

 Hi everyone! It’s me, Tucker Pyles, standing in for Vanessa Dante who was too busy with her interview with God. So UBBA Magazine has let me do her assessment this week. Woohoo! That means I'll be one of the top billed articles in this magazine!

It should be called “Tucker’s Assessment” but the writers insisted they weren’t going to change the headline and that if anything it should be called “Tucker’s ASSessment.”  I didn’t know what they meant by that.

So anyway, I was inspired by Vanessa’s Assessment in Edition 6 of UBBA Magazine about her supermarket ordeal. I love going to supermarkets so thought I’d do my own assessment.  So here goes…

 

I love going to the supermarket, but really it’s not very practical. I find that one shopping trolly just isn’t enough to load all my food needs into. I mean, do they think we’re all on diets or something? So you can imagine what a struggle it is when a guy like me does shopping. I have to have about 5 shopping carts and because I can only push one at a time, I have to go backwards and forwards, leaving one cart, going back to another and getting the other and so on and so on. So I normally have 4 trolleys in one place while I wheel one.  A lot of ubbheads get pissed off at me though complaining that I leave them all blocking the aisle.

Why don’t I bring extra people along to help me shop? Are you crazy? How can I trust them that they won’t eat my food while I’m not looking? I could pay for say a bag of apples and find that when I get them into the car there’s an apple missing. No way would I be stupid enough to let that happen. Every apple I buy, I buy for ME!

Grocery shopping can be a real effort though and drain a lot of energy, especially when it comes to pushing along mountains of groceries. So I find that eating as you go is a useful strategy. For instance, buy 20 chocolate bars and eat 15 of them. That way when you get to the checkout counter you only actually have 5 in your trolley. Now I’m not suggesting stealing, no way. You can still keep the rappers and have them scanned by the operator.  

So supermarket shopping does have one advantage. You can have great feed while you’re there!

So anyway, there I was last weekend doing my shopping and loading up my trolleys and eating as I went. Bought 10 roasted chickens from the deli. Ate 5 while I was there. Bought 10 kgs of ham. Eat about 5 kgs of it. Into the dairy products area. Eat a few blocks of cheese, put a few in the trolley. Eat a few tubs of Tooty and Fruity yoghurt... apply a little to that rash I was getting... put the rest of the tubs in the trolley. Skull a few bottles of milk, put a few full ones in the trolley.

All is going great until the usual thing happens and I get hit on by some broad. Oh yeah, just like Vanessa, I get hit on all the time by women. I’m only interested in eating and when someone interrupts me like that I can get really pissed off. So this hot chick comes up to me. She says… ‘Hey, babe, I’m wondering if you can help me…’

I absolutely hate being called “babe”, but I replied politely, ‘I’m sorry, you must be confusing me with someone else. I’m 42 years old. You might be looking for that child over there sitting in that woman’s trolley. I’m sure he will be into the same things as you.’

‘Ha ha ha, you’re really ubbery.’

‘My wife tells me that all the time.’

‘Oh damn, you’re married?’

I smiled and replied sweetly, ‘Yes. Her name is Rexella, she’s 6 foot 4 and she’s amazing. Now, if you’re wanting to know which aisle to go to for the gummy bears, then head down that way there.’

Most girls get the message by this time, but this one didn’t. ‘Hey, babe, I bet you’re a model.’

At this point, I just wanted to give a frustrated sigh, as I always seem to get that old pick-up line and she was becoming irritating. Why do girls think that suggesting it is going to flatter me and make me want to talk to them further? ‘Actually, I’m a lawyer who specialises in sexual harassment suits. Perhaps if you ever need one, I’m the one to call. No, on second thoughts, I’d rather you didn’t.’ With that, I smiled one last time and continued down the aisle.

I thought that maybe, that would be that, but oh no, the girl slips up beside me yet again. ‘You’re not really a lawyer, right, babe? I mean you’re wayyyy too hot to be a lawyer. I’ve never met anyone as hot as you.’

Oh how many times do I hear that? So I decided to pull out the gay excuse I often use to deter unwanted female attention. ‘Sorry, but I’m gay. I’m afraid you are completely the wrong sex for me. And no, you are not going to be that one in a billion who’s going to turn me straight. Bye bye.’

At last, she gave up. I really am glad, as I didn’t really want to have to cap the girl or kick her teeth in. Especially not in a supermarket.

So I roll up to the checkout counters and as usual, end up in the slowest moving queue and as usual, there’s screaming kids and old ladies who would rather have a conversation with the checkout operator than buy their groceries. And then what happens? My damn card gets declined.

So there I am, sitting in the office waiting for the police to arrive, having eaten all that food with no money to pay for it. Oh well… at least I had a good feed! 

 

Editor's Note:  UBBA Magazine wish to apologize for the above article, as clearly a large portion of it has been plagiarized from Vanessa's Assessment in Edition 6.

Tucker Pyles, you are a moron. Did you really think you could get away with that? As if you'd ever get hit on by women in supermarkets. They wouldn't be calling you "Babe" they would be calling you "Dumbass".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Good lord. What happened to my career after "Breaking Bad"?'

 

 

 

 

'I'm such an ugly old coot now, she's the only one that would date me!'

 

 

 

 

'Is that a public toilet I see?'

 

 

 

 

'Let the Hunger games BEGIN!'

 

 

 

 

 

'Don't even THINK about publishing that picture in UBBA Magazine!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From the Mob from TAC series. Mr Harris is temporary Principal at TAC so has declared that the school will be run similar to a bootcamp. Tucker Pyles has decided to start up his own religion in worship of Vanessa Dante. He has managed to hoodwink a bunch of juniors into his cult and fleecing them for every penny he can get…

  

‘Ok, everything’s ready.’

Tucker had managed to get permission to use a room at lunchtime for what he said was a Bible Study. He couldn’t very well claim it was for a new religion called Nessanism, as he would quickly have been refused permission to use it.

‘Shall we open the doors, Tucker?’ Hew asked. ‘Some guys are already waiting outside.’

Tucker had called on his friends Hew, Ash and Diesel to help keep order and to ensure that all the rules were followed by his followers.

‘Hold on,’ Tucker said. ‘I think we should charge two dollars instead of just one for entry.’

‘Come on, Tucker, we already discussed that,’ Hew said. ‘Nobody is going to wanna pay anyway. They’ll definitely refuse if you charge them two bucks.’

‘But I need it,’ Tucker whined. ‘Without my job, I need to have some money coming in from somewhere.’

‘Well it ain’t gonna be here.’

‘Alright, alright, one buck, but make sure no one runs away when they find out they have to pay for entry.’

Tucker sat down, waiting for the flood of Vanessa devotees to enter. He checked his pile of signed Vanessa photographs. He had got Diesel to scan the image into his father’s computer and print out around 50 colour copies of it. He had then signed the photographs himself – “The goddess, Vanessa”. He just hoped that his disciples would believe the signature was authentic.

‘I’m not paying to come to this stupid meeting!’ one of the boys at the door complained.

There was a chorus of agreement from the others.

‘There are signed photographs of Vanessa available,’ Hew said, shaking an empty jar.

This brought a few murmurs from those outside and a few drifted in, dropping loose change into Hew’s jar.

Ash grabbed another who was about to leave. ‘Anyone who walks suffers the consequences!’

This threat brought an influx of boys, each putting in their dollar into the jar. Only a few remained, claiming to have no money on them.

‘Tough!’ Colin growled. ‘Come back next week.’

 By the time they had finished, there were ten boys, mainly juniors assembled in the room, sitting on chairs.

‘I ought to warn you,’ Tucker said, rising to his feet. ‘I… I mean the goddess will not bless anyone who is not willing to sacrifice a small amount of money to Nessanism. It cost twenty dollars to hire this room just for this lunch hour.’

‘What?’ scoffed one of the juniors. ‘Who are you trying to kid?’

Ash grabbed him by the shirt roughly, while Tucker stepped over and delivered a piercing stare. ‘You dare come into this church and blaspheme the holy name of the goddess?’

‘I didn’t blaspheme!’

‘Any time you accuse me, the Emissary, the goddess’s chosen one, of lying, you are blaspheming and we do not tolerate blasphemers. If it happens again, you will be fined five dollars.’

‘You can’t do that!’

Ash shook him by the shirt. ‘Oh yes he can!’

‘It is written in the Nessanomicon… well actually, it will be written, in Chapter 5 verse 7. Those who love the goddess will prove they love the goddess by contributing financially to the Church of the Goddess.’ Tucker glanced from one member of his church to the next. ‘And THIS is the Church of the Goddess. Got it?’

Those sitting there murmured in reluctant agreement.

‘Is that the best you can do?’ Tucker growled. ‘Remember, this is still Boot Camp and respect is required especially when it comes to the daughter of Aphrodite. So when you agree, you will say “Praise Vanessa!” Got it?’

A few of them murmured in agreement.

‘Sorry, what did you all say?’ Tucker growled.

‘Praise Vanessa!’ one called out.

‘Praise Vanessa!’ all the others parroted.

‘That’s more like it.

Trent, one of the so-called worshipers, raised his hand.

‘Yes, Brother Trent.’

‘When do we get the autographed photos?’

‘When I say so!’

‘Are they really autographed by Vanessa?’ asked another.

‘Of course they are!’ Tucker growled. ‘Are you accusing me of lying again?’

‘No.’ The junior quickly shook his head.

‘Can we have our photographs now, please?’ asked another. ‘It will give us something to look at while the meeting’s on. We’re supposed to look at pictures of her for half an hour each day, right? It’s one of the Six Commandments.’

Tucker grumbled, ‘All right. Two dollars a copy please.’

‘What?’ a few of the boys chimed in.

‘You can’t make us pay for them!’ one protested. ‘We already paid a buck to get in here. You promised us a photograph.’

‘That just covers the room rental, ubbhead! Anyway, nobody ever said they were going to be free, did they? You realise how much it costs to get colour photographs printed? And Vanessa charged us two dollars a signature too, so the church will actually be operating at a loss! I’m warning you, the goddess’s wrath will be on anyone who is greedy and is not willing to pay their way.’

The boys grumbled some more. Only three handed over two dollars for a copy.

‘What about the rest of you?’ Tucker said. ‘How are you supposed to obey the second commandment of the goddess without a photograph to gaze at?’

‘I’ve got pictures of her on my computer,’ said one of the boys. ‘I got them from her Facebook profile on the Internet. She accepted me as a friend.’

Tucker’s blood began to boil. It annoyed him that these little thirteen-year-olds had access to Vanessa’s profile when he had to resort to stealing photographs off the walls of classrooms. If only his parents had a computer and Internet, then he too could have access. ‘Why would she accept you as a friend?’

‘She’ll accept anyone from the school. As long as she recognises your name or your picture and as long as she doesn’t hate your guts, she’ll add you.’

‘I have one of her swimsuit shots as wallpaper on my computer,’ said one of the other boys. ‘Wow! That’s all I can say.’

‘Hey, I’ve never seen photographs of her in a swimsuit on there,’ said another.

‘It’s in a restricted album. You have to be on her trusted friends list to see them.’

Tucker glared. ‘How did you get on her trusted friends list?’

‘Because I’m in the school dance team. I talk to her all the time.’

Tucker tried very hard not to unleash his fury on his follower, so decided the next best thing was to put him down. ‘School dance team? What are you, some kind of woofter?’

‘Hey there’s other guys on the team. And I get to do the occasional dance routine with Vanessa.’ A huge smile appeared on his face. ‘She’s even taught me a few dance moves.’

'Hey, can you email me some shots?' asked one of them.

'No, sorry. She said she'd add me only if I promised not to distribute her pictures.'

'Ah gee... And you won't will you?'

'No.'

‘Just shut up!’ Tucker snapped. ‘The seventh commandment of the goddess…’

‘I thought there was only six?’

‘A seventh one was revealed to me last night as I prayed to the goddess. Thou shalt not lust after the goddess.’

‘Then what’s the point of being a Nessanist then?’

‘Yeah,’ the others muttered in agreement.

‘You must only think pure thoughts of the goddess. Therefore, I the emissary declare that any photographs of the daughter of Aphrodite in a swimsuit or other revealing and sexy outfits must be forwarded to me to be kept in a holy place.’

‘Your bedroom?’ scoffed Hew.

‘My bed… no! In the holy shrine, the shrine that only the emissary may enter!’

‘This is bullshit,’ one of the boys said. ‘Why should you be the one who gets everything?’

‘Because I am the emissary! I am chosen by the goddess.’

‘Then how come you’re not in her trusted friends list?’

‘Because I don’t own a computer! There are more important things than technology when it comes to the goddess. You fools, you do not realise that you are putting technology ahead of her. This will not please her. You will suffer her wrath.’

‘You mean your wrath!’

The others murmured in agreement.

Just then the door to the room opened and Wal stepped in. ‘What’s all this then?’

‘This is a closed meeting, Ullman!’ Tucker growled. ‘Get out!’

Both Hew and Ash walked to the door to confront Wal. They stopped in front of him, blocking his entrance.

‘Out of my way!’ Wal glared. He shoved Ash sideways and stepped forward.

Ash and Hew did not try to stop him, but just remained staunch as Wal stepped into the room. ‘What the hell are you all doing in here?’

‘None of your business, Infidel!’ Tucker growled.

‘Infidel?’ scoffed Wal. ‘Pyles, you have completely lost it.’ He wandered in and scanned the wide-eyed faces looking up at him. Some of them appeared to be pale, others just sat still, not daring to say a word. For some reason all the juniors were terrified of him.

Tucker huffed, ‘Ash, Hew, Diesel, cast this infidel out of here. He is in league with the evil one.’

Just try it!’ Wal pointed a finger at Ash and Hew and cast a glance of warning towards Diesel too. Tucker’s three henchmen remained where they were, eyeing Wal with contempt.

Tucker didn’t want to push it himself. He knew what a tough character Wal was. He was fearless, even in the face of overwhelming odds. He had a high tolerance for pain and even though Tucker had no doubts Ash, Hew and Diesel would come out on top, they would suffer plenty of cuts and bruises before they were finished. They’d not be happy with Tucker and not only that, but some serious damage could be done to the classroom, thus resulting in it no longer being available to Tucker and his fellow Nessanists.

Wal stepped up to the pile of photographs. ‘What the hell?’ He picked one up. ‘What’s all this?’

‘Signed pictures of Vanessa,’ Tucker declared. ‘Seeing as you’re not a Nessanist, it will cost you ten bucks a copy.’

Wal snickered. ‘I can get pics of her from Facebook. Have you seen her swimsuit shots? Woooooorrrr! Anyway, that’s not her signature. You’ve just faked it, haven’t you, Pyles?’

‘I have not!

‘Don’t give me that crap! Why would she sign photographs for you? Especially not copies of the one you obviously stole from her wall dossier. And she wouldn’t sign her photographs as “The goddess, Vanessa” either!’

Those who had paid for copies of the picture sat up.

‘You lied to us!’ one said.

‘Give us our money back!’

‘Yeah!’

‘Good idea, Pyles,’ Wal growled. ‘Give them their money back. And while you’re at it, give Trent Nord back that money you screwed him out of with that bogus protection racket of yours.’ He turned his head to Trent. ‘How much have you paid him, Nord?’

‘Forty bucks so far.’

Wal shook his head and rolled his eyes.

‘I’m not giving him back that money!’ Tucker said. ‘He’s received quality services with that money.’

‘No, I didn’t!’ Trent spoke up, his bottom lip sticking out. ‘You’ve done nothing for me at all!’

‘Have you had the crap beaten out of you, yet?’ Tucker asked.

‘No, but…’

‘So what’s the problem?’

Wal walked over and grabbed him by the shirt. His henchmen stirred, but to Tucker’s mortification they made no effort to intercept him. ‘Give him his money back, Pyles before I plaster your face all over the wall of this classroom!’

Tucker’s legs suddenly went weak and his voice quivered. ‘Alright, alright! Here!’ He reached into his school bag and pulled a couple of twenty-dollar bills from the side pocket. ‘Here, give it to him. I don’t care, but I’m not going to be providing my services to him any longer! He’s on his own. Cassidy can have him for all I care.’

Wal took the money from him, but his right eye squinted. ‘Rex? You’re protecting him against Rex?

‘Yeah. The little creep made the moves on Vanessa.’

‘I did not!’

Wal burst out laughing. ‘Oh yeah, I know about that. But what’s so funny is that you would have the gall to try to tell someone you can beat Cassidy when you’re so terrified of the guy you wet your pants whenever he calls your name.’

‘I do not!’

‘Yeah, whatever, Pyles. But if you do anything like this again, you’ll have me to answer to.’

Tucker jerked upright and glared at Wal. 'Oh yeah, and why would I be scared of you? You only talk big because you know that if my boys beat you up, Cassidy will be after us.’

Wal lowered his eyebrows. ‘I can handle myself, Pyles. You tell your boys that if they want to take me on, I’ll personally tell Rex to stay out of it even if I lose. He’ll go with my wishes. So come on, Pyles. Set your dogs on me. Let’s see how many of them I chew up and spit out before they bring me down.’

It was normally at this point that Tucker’s three companions would move over to ready themselves for a fight, but they still remained where they were. Hew seemed to be more interested in something on the wall, while Ash examined his watch. When Tucker looked at Diesel, his big pal quickly turned his eyes in the opposite direction.

‘So come on, Pyles,’ taunted Wal. ‘What’s the command? Skitch ‘em boys! Sick ‘em! Attack! What’ll it be, Fats?’

On this occasion, Tucker knew he’d been beat. ‘I’ll let you off this time…’

‘Oh wow. You seem to be doing that a lot lately. What’s the matter, Pyles, getting soft?’

‘The goddess has mellowed me out a bit,’ Tucker said, trying to sound casual. ‘We don’t want any fighting going on in this holy place.’

Wal threw the picture of Vanessa back down on the pile. He delivered Tucker one more contemptuous glare, threw the forty dollars to Trent and strolled out of the room. 

 

If you wish to read this novel in its entirety it can be downloaded for free from Smashwords:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/678318

 

 

 

Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.

 

 

All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2016