MICHAEL JACKSON'S MISSING GLOVE FOUND!!
Daniel Craig drinks a beer every Friday night!
Boy arrives LATE FOR MATHS CLASS!
David Bowie, Lemmy and Glenn Frey are no longer with us!
Girl eats MACDONALD'S HAMBURGER!
Man spends his afternoon fishing!
Katy Perry goes to HAIR SALON!
Hi ya, hows things going?
Sorry about the lack of exciting headlines this month. Not a lots been happening really. No big scandals, nothing worth reporting, that’s why we’ve had to resort to printing a load of garbage on the front cover.
Yep, it’s pretty pathetic when the big news of the month is only about Wacko Jacko’s long-lost glove being found. It doesn’t help us to print an exciting magazine when the only news breaking articles are about a boy being late for his maths class and Katy Perry going to a hair salon. Is this the best news you can find, your asking? So what if Daniel Craig drinks a beer every Friday night? BIG DEAL!! He could at least have admitted that he drank something a little heavier. As for the news on the deaths of Lemmy, Frey and Bowie... We all know about that! Although it's a tragedy, three legends going in quick concession, it's hardly breaking headlines now! Sheesh!
I'll let you guys in to a little secret. The facts are that this month our investigative reporter has been on holiday. UBBA Magazine decided to give the job to Tucker Pyles for the month, just this once. Well it was the worst decision they ever made. It gives me more incentive to buy out UBBA Magazine and sack the whole production staff. I think they‘ve learnt their lessons though. They wont be giving Tucker that job in future.
I was impressed with one of his news breaking items though, which was the one about the girl eating the MacDonald’s hamburger. .That should have been the top story. Fancy eating a MacDonald’s hamburger. YUCK!
Anyway, despite the lack of good news breaking stories, we still have our brilliant regular features, for instance, Hews Interviews. We have a special treat this edition as we are bringing back one of Colin’s classic interviews from the archives. One he conducted in May of 1993. Colin got to interview a real bunch of old has-beens. I can’t even remember their names, but it was a classic interview. Their lives at the time were surrounded by scandals more scandals, so take it as a treat we’re reprinting this one as it was only ever read by 90s UBBA Magazine fans.
Once again though we have had a complaint. Once again, from that wonder of a blunder Tucker Pyles. He's kicking up a fuss now claiming that it is unfair that Dufus Pyles gets the ultimate UBBA. He feels that he should get it. We tried to explain to him that it was The Penultimate UBBA Dufus gets and that it does not mean the same as “ultimate”, but no, Tucker wouldn’t accept that. So rather unwisely I felt, UBBA Magazine decided to change The Final UBBA to The Ultimate Final UBBA just to keep Tucker happy. Unfortunately just before the latest edition was put online, Dufus got word of it and complained that it was unfair that Tucker was getting all the best UBBA‘s. Well he had a point. Tucker gets his own and he gets the first and the final UBBA. Dufus only gets The Penaltimate UBBA so UBBA Magazine have decided the from now on the First UBBA will be performed,...and I use the word performed very loosely by Dufus. He will of course maintain his Penultimate UBBA and Tucker will be happy with his Ultimate Final UBBA. Lets hope so anyway. This business is becoming very unubbery...I mean very annoying!
The only other thing I need to mention at this stage is about Abbott Green’s monthly article on Rabbits. As you remember, last month it was scrapped. Frankly, it was utter crap. This is indeed a concern for us here at UBBA Magazine , but live and let live is our motto, so this month Abbot will be starting a new feature. Lets just hope that no one falls asleep reading it this time.
As you will know, last edition we had our new US correspondent; Badkitty, make her triumphant debut on the writing staff of UBBA Magazine. She kindly stood in for Mad Dave Harris, with the horoscopes, because… well, Mad Dave just couldn’t be bothered doing them last month. That’s the way we roll here at UBBA Magazine. If we don’t feel like doing our jobs, we don’t do them. Well Mad Dave is back this month with his Harriscopes, while Badkitty will be starting her new column for car enthusiasts called “Badkitty's Crankshaft and Chrome Car Care Corner.”
I don’t know much about car care, because I leave the care of my fleet of Lamborghinis and Ferraris to my mechanic, but I can tell you now that Badkitty knows all the technical terms and techniques to deal with any motor vehicle. Be warned though, she isn’t called Badkitty for nothing, so if you get offended by any of her language, sexual innuendo, or insults, well then tough shit! UBBA Magazine isn’t meant for kids, it’s meant for adults with a good sense of humour.
But enough. It’s that time where we move on to the first article in the magazine. If you can call it an article. Here he is, the Prat of Fat...bringing you the first UBBA of the month........DUFUS PYLES!
My mate Tucker Pyles told me to write this to complain about ubbing Dufus Pyles! I think he is very unubbery. He can’t even pronounce the word UBBA properly. He sounds_like a real Ubbhead and I think that it is unubbery that UBBA Magazine have given him the ultimate UBBA at the end of the magazine and not Tucker. It is UBBA Magazine not OBBA Magazine, so he should be kicked out of this magazine! Only Tucker should get to say the UBBA's because he’s the greatest and so is his ubbery cooking column. Ubbing get rid of that ubbhead Dufus Pyles or else a few ubberings will be dished out! URRRRBAAARRRR
Mr Bean a serial killer? I knew it right from the beginning. I just knew that there was something warped inside his mind waiting to break out and go berserk. Take a look at the guy, the way he gets his head stuck inside roast turkeys, the way he writes cards to himself, he’s sick! I’m surprised that no one saw it coming. He was a fuse waiting to explode! The man’s demented and that headline proves my point. I say lock. him up for good!
Good on you, UBBA Magazine for bringing in your American correspondent Badkitty onto the writing staff. I loved her horoscopes. It's great to see someone tell it like it is. Too many horoscope writers pander to their readers, trying to give them a good picture whenever possible, but Badkitty, doesn't worry about stroking anyone's egos. We all have flaws and sometimes those need to be exposed so that we can deal with them. Well almost all of us have flaws. Aquarians like me are an exception to the rule.
UBBA MAGAZINE is a fraud! UBBA Magazine claims that it has all these different writers eg, Abbot Green, Will Ullman, Vanessa Dante writing all these different articles, but I believe that they are all made up characters and it is one writer who writes the whole magazine. UBBA Magazine claims it has millions of readers all over the world when really there are only 4 or 5 of them. I also believe that all these letter writers who write in to UBBA Magazine are all figments of one person’s imagination so it looks as if it has a lot of readers! So UBBA Magazine, what do you have to say to that accusation?
Sir Robert Jones
(Well if indeed all our correspondences are figments of our imagination well so must you be, so therefore we don’t have to answer such absurd accusations. What do you have to say about that?)
I think it’s absolutely abominable that my…. I mean Tucker’s mother, Aunty Lil be allowed to write a column in UBBA Magazine. Not very ubbery at all. She is actually the worst mother in all of history and has no clue how to parent properly. She was extremely abusive to me and my bro… I mean Tucker Pyles and his brothers. She constantly took food away from them, trying to starve them to death. When Tucker was 15, she even made him pay board and take on a part time job to help feed the rest of the family. I demand that she be removed from the writing staff of UBBA Magazine immediately or I’m going to come over there and dish out a few ubberings!
A concerned citizen
(Go for it. Come and dish out those "ubberings”, Tucker. You’ll find that it will be you who gets the beating.)
Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.
Also, if you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.
Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World
Are you tired of the same old spreads on your sandwiches? Want a change?
Try Daft’s new WHIZZY Chocolate and Cockroach spread. Inspired by Monty Python’s Whizzo Chocolate, this delicious spread will keep all your kids happy and fill them full of tasty nutrition and energy each day.
(Warning: eating too many Whizzy sandwiches may cause children to experience psychotic episodes and turn them into insane homicidal maniacs like
the girl in this photograph)
Interviewer = Colin Hewgill
Colin: Hi there. I'm afraid that I couldn’t get any one all that great for this interview. In fact, I've had to resort to interviewing four people all at once. These people have no real impact on our everyday lives, nor is there any use for them. They are really just there to look pretty, although you can’t really call them a pretty bunch at all. Yes, the group I am interviewing is none other than four of the Royal family, Prince Charles, Prince Andrew, Fergy and Queen Liz.
Royal Family: Hello there!
Colin: Aren’t they pathetic? I really had to scrape the bottom of the barrel when I agreed to interview this motley lot. Take Queen Lizzie here for instance. She’s the sort of woman whose day is made when her pet corgi does a whoopsy on the carpet. Tell me you senile old bat. What good are you to the Commonwealth?
Queen Elizabeth: The country needs a royal family. It gives once a sense of...
Colin: Yeah yeah don’t give me that crap you old biddy. Really there’s no need for you at all, the tax payers money pays for you to travel all over the place and give your stupid little wave to everybody. You look like a robot whose arm is stuck in the same pattern of movement.
Queen Elizabeth: There is a big demand throughout the Commonwealth for us to visit. We have a duty to travel around the world.
Colin: What a load of crap. Anyway who writes your yearly Christmas speeches? What drivel! It ruined my Christmas last year. It was so boring I fell asleep and missed all the celebrations afterwards! You know it’d be nice if once in a while you’d throw in a joke or two!
Queen Elizabeth: Really Colin, there is no need to pick fault...
Colin: Ah shut up ya dozy old tart. Its time to talk to Mr Limp Wrist himself, Prince Chucky. As well as being a total crackpot, he also has these fantasies wishing that Princess Di was Prince Di. Isn’t that right Chucky?
Prince Charles: Don’t be absurd!
Colin: We all know its true Chucky. I’d like to talk to you about this so called sporting interest of yours polo. Isn’t that a bit of a poofters game?
Prince Chucky: It is no.....
Colin: I’d say it is. I’d consider it more manly to play a game of tiddlywinks and what about poor old princess Di? I reckon your scum the way you’ve treated her. I don’t blame her for going out and having an affair!
Prince Charles: There are two sides...
Colin: Two sides to Prince Chucky? That’d be right. You act all regal and nice when in public, but really you're an inconsiderate jack as at home aren't ya, Chucky?
Charles: I object to these insin....
Colin: You’re an embarrassment to the royal family, Buckweed! Grace Jones is more masculine than you are. No wonder the Queen biddy is trying to stay on the throne as long as possible. You'd make an appalling King.
Charles: How dare you...?
Queen: That is totally untru..!
Colin: Don’t give me that trash, you royal twerps! We all know it’s true. The old duck here will stay on the throne all her life if it means keeping you off it. Goodness knows how she'll keep your little brat from getting on it though...
Charles: My son is not a Bra....
Colin: That oldest one is a stuck up little upstart! He deserves a few good spankings! But anyway, you can just shuttup, Buckweed. Im sick of hearing your nauseous voice. I want to talk to Andy and the Duchess of Pork now. Scandals, scandals, scandals....!
Andrew: Can we not talk about those?
Colin: I intend to go into them in great detail, Andy my little pillock! Old Fergy here has been having a right royal time, excuse the pun, haven’t you my chubby little tart?
Fergy: Donta you dare call me that....!
Colin: Frolicking around topless with a millionaire in front of your kiddies. That’s wonderful isn’t it Fergy? Hell knows why , because there’s nothing attractive about you is there dolly bird? In fact, you remind me of an Aunty of mine and she's a total battle axe. I bet old Andy here was furious, weren’t you?
Andrew: I have no comments on that matter.
Colin: See, he's fuming! I hear he was so peeved he went off after some other dolly bird, didn’t you Andy?
Andrew: I did no...!
Colin: Don’t deny it. What do you have to say about that Fergy?
Fergy: I..I...ah...Is this true Andrew?
Andrew: It is n...
Colin: Of course it’s true, you dozy bitch! He's always flirted with other women just like you’ve always flirted with other men. I even hear that at your wedding you were both kissing everybody else except each other.
Andrew and Fergy: That’s absur...
Colin: You two make me sick! In fact the whole royal pigsty makes me sick! You guys ought to be evicted from the palace and a family like the Simpsons brought in to replace you. They're a darn sight more respectable than you motley lot. -
Queen: We don’t have to put up with these slanderous insults and downright lies....
Colin: Aggh shuttup you old battle axe. You may appear to be scandal free but really behind the scenes there’s a lot of mud that could be dragged up about you and that’s a fact. You’re worse than the lot of them,
Charles: Enough! We want to leave right n...
Colin: You'll leave when I tell you to Bozo! You guys think that because you’re members of the royal family that you’re entitled to order people around? This isn’t the 16th century anymore and I'm the boss here and I’m telling you lot to rack off right now, and good riddance to you..!
Charles: The feelings mutual!
Editors Note= Colin has asked us to say that the only reason he didn’t get in the last word as usual was because he'd clobbered Prince Charles one in the face. We make no apologies for any idiots out there who were offended at Colin’s treatment of the Royal Family
Click on image to enlarge
Recovering from the trauma of Christmas
By Vanessa Dante
We are now into the new year and hopefully recovering from the trauma of Christmas and also the New Year’s Eve celebrations. No doubt many of us have over indulged in more ways than one.
New Years in particular is that time when everyone gets drunk and then decides to make foolish New Year’s resolutions that they would never make if they were sober. My resolution many years ago was to never make New Year’s resolutions on New Year’s Eve and wait until I’d sobered up first. Even then, I resolved it probably wasn’t a good idea to make any resolutions at all.
One of the problems at this time of year is what to do with the unwanted Christmas gifts, the things that people gave with much love and affection, but which you have absolutely no use for… or worse they are bad for you.
For me, every year, I get a truck load of boxes of chocolates. Why is that? Do people think I’m not curvy enough? I mean I do have what many call a voluptuous figure and am definitely not skinny, but I am at my ideal weight and well toned. And in my profession, I have to keep my figure that way. So what’s with all the chocolate?
Ok, I admit, I do like to eat a little chocolate, but this time around I seem to have an extra load of it sitting in my cupboards. One of the popular chocolate boxes here in New Zealand is Cadbury Favourites, which gives you lots of mini versions of some of NZ’s favourite chocolate bars. The ironic thing is, there is always more of the ones I dislike than the ones I actually do like. Is that messed up or what? It should at least change its name to “Cadbury’s, Some of which you love, but mainly ones you don’t”. Would that fit on the box?
Another thing I find quite alarming about the aftermath of Christmas is when you realize just how elitist Santa Claus is. Don’t you find it disturbing that it’s the wealthiest kids who get all the most expensive gifts? Why does Santa favour these rich kids above the poor ones? I would like to challenge Santa Claus about this. I have occasionally asked his helpers about it, but none of them ever seem to be able to give me a straight answer. In fact most seem to be bamboozled by the question.
One of the things I do love about Christmas is the food. I love a turkey roast dinner and there is always plenty left over so that you can have cold turkey cuts for dinner for several nights after… unless of course Tucker Pyles comes calling for dinner, in which case the cold turkey disappears in a flash. When Tucker is around, there is no such thing as leftovers.
Getting back to New Year’s… as Christmas is well and truly yesterday’s news and something that people will soon start doing a countdown again for anyway… it’s always the time I look forward to the most, because my darling Rexy and I always head away to somewhere exotic and amazing. This time around we headed to Canada for a few weeks which is where I am as I write this now. I know, I know, why would I leave the summer of New Zealand to go to the winter of Canada? Think about it ladies… the colder it is, the more I get to cozy up with my gorgeous man.
Roll on winter!
If you own a military firearm, you're being called up.
That’s right. We need you to join the Popular People’s Front of New Zealand.
There are way too many minority groups in New Zealand, trying to dictate the way we should live. Trying to make us accept their immoralities and their warped ideas. THEY MUST GO! THEY MUST ALL BE ELIMINATED!
Yes! People of warped religions, like the Moonies, Scientology and Hare Krishna. Especially the Wiccans! Blow them all away! Do the work that God wants done. Wipe out those false religions. Muslims too! Annihilate them before they annihilate us with their suicide bombings. The Catholics , the JWs and the Mormons must go too! Eradicate them like rats! They are all false religions! And also any other denomination of Christianity that don't agree with all our beliefs. The Baptists, the Brethren, the Lutherans… they all must go!
Oh and the homosexuals! Don’t forget the homosexuals! Join up with the Popular People’s Front of New Zealand and raid gay bars! Show no mercy! It’s time to wipe out the disease! The NZPPF is the cure!
Join up now.
Sponsored by the New Zealand Police in conjunction with Density Church NZ.
Crap Cars, trucks, motorcycles. Caravans, dark window pervert vans, 18 wheelers, boats that maybe have wheels under them so that if you don't think the water is safe to go out on that day, but you want to do stuff anyway so you try your waterskis on surface streets because what the hell, right, you only live once?
What do they all have in common?
They break down. And almost always at the worst time ever. Like when Mark calls you up and he wants to meet you at the Holiday Inn because he's in town and you know you're going to get laid, but you go out to start it up and it won't fire because all you could afford was a piece of shit Ford.
This is how this column is supposed to help you, you poor fuckers. In the next few articles, you will be getting the very basics of how cars work, and then we'll stuff fixing some shit for real and for true.
Most of us drive vehicles that have what is called the "Infernal Bust-in Engine". I hear some of you arguing "Well, that's not what I heard it's called", but guess what? Who has a car care column and who doesn't, scrote?
The infernal bust-in engine needs two main things to run -- spark from fire, and fuel or some kind.
There are a handful of common fuels out there -- gasoline (petrol), dweezil, buy old dweezil, ethanol, propane, goose poop, rat shit, bat shit and farts.
I'm going to talk first about the gasoline, or gas engine.
First, you'll have to know where the gas hole is, because you will drain your long nozzle over and over into the gas hole. I'm not telling you that right now because you aren't paying attention to what I'm saying and it's pissing me off, so next time.
Once you've stuffed your gas hole, the gas is sprayed through the end of another nozzle, this one smaller but with powerful volume. Little engine dragons wake up and shoot fire at the spray because to them, it's like lighting their farts and they think it's hilarious.
Then the piss tones stroke it over and over until your car is all hot to trot. You put your foot on the gas pedal and you go. That's the first lesson. Next time, how to make the car STOP.
Don't go out and try this shit until I tell you to, fuckhead. You'll get hurt.
By Abbot Green
Third time lucky. That’s what I'm hoping any way. My last two articles have been total flops and the publishers are insisting that I come up with a more readable article. It is because of this that I will this month be starting a monthly column on Vegetarianism, the history of it and in future editions why we do it, how to start and stick with it.
I will also be giving you some of my favourite vegetarian recipes. This month we will be giving you a recipe for vegetarian hot dogs, where we replace the sausage with a carrot. Most Delicious!
Now, down to business. The first vegetarian ever recorded in the history books was...
Editors Note=ARTICLE ABORTED
The Publishers of UBBA Magazine have decided to scrap Abbot Green’s, bloody boring monthly articles on Vegetarianism. For a start, it’s a bloody tedious subject and second, only meat-eaters are allowed to read this magazine. Only weirdos eat vegetarian foods...well that’s not actually true, after all, I love vegetarian foods, they really go well with steak.
Click on article below to enlarge
Hey! Happy to be read by you! How’s it going? Caught any fish lately? A mate of mine caught a whopper the other day, Don’t know what sort of fish it was, it was a beauty though. I think it was a flounder or something like that. Quite a rare sort of fish by the sounds of it.
Being the keen fisherman I am you can bet I’ve been out on the sea every moment I can get.. Hell, it was only last Tuesday that I went out...No wait a minute, that was last month....Actually that was just before the previous edition of UBBA Magazine, Time flies when you’re having fun.
Last month I promised that I’d tell you the best equipment to take fishing. You really need a fishing rod. Those hand nets you catch butterflies with aren’t that good. Make sure you take some bait too. When your fishing always take a long a thermos of coffee. It can be quite chilly early in the morning. Apart from that she'll be right. Just jump into the boat and out you go.
But that’s enough from me. I’m going out to the beach to do some Fly casting. I’m not quite sure about what that is exactly but I’ll let you know next month. Bye!
Prayer – You’re doing it wrong – Part 1
It completely horrifies me that types of prayers that my fellow brothers and sisters pray on a regular basis. Do they really think about what they pray? Do they really think about what they are asking and just how immoral their requests often are? For one thing, you never hear the word “Please” mentioned in a prayer. It’s always just a demand. Jesus do this, Jesus do that and do it in the NAME OF JEEEEESSUSSSSSS!
Not only do Christians make demands without using their manners, there’s the whole aspect of asking for things that we shouldn’t be asking for. Brothers and sisters, do you ask for advantages over fellow human beings? Do you ask God to violate people’s freewill, or to aid you when it comes to examinations or sports? Do you not see this sort of thing as cheating?
I’ve seen it many times. I’ve seen it on reality TV shows like Survivor e.g., contestants praying to God for strength to help them to win challenges and then ultimately the million dollar prize. Then they would give thanks to God later when they did win challenges and thank God for carrying him through the difficult times that come with the whole Survivor experience.
Surely, my brothers and sisters, this makes those people cheats?
I can’t understand why fellow Christians aren’t as outraged as I am that these people should be allowed to continue to compete when they so blatantly attempt to gain supernatural favours from the creator of the universe.
The same goes for sports. I can remember Evander Holyfield praising his God for his win against Mike Tyson in 1996, insisting that his God was mightier than Tyson’s, as if Jesus had given him supernatural strength to overcome Tyson, who in turn had the false god Allah in his corner. Aren’t sports like this supposed to be one man against the other using their own strengths and skills? If Evander had climbed into the ring with a gun and shot Tyson, he would have been disqualified. Even if he’d taken steroids, he’d have been disqualified. So if he claims to have used God’s strength to win the match… brothers and sisters, shouldn’t he also be disqualified?
Then there is team sports. I was disgusted, watching the movie “Invictus”, when at the end, after their world cup victory, the South African team huddled together and thanked God for the win! Those cheats! No wonder they beat the All Blacks! For them to have won that, they must have either expected God to aid them supernaturally or expected him to sabotage the opposing team and seeing that the All Blacks choked, I'd say it was the later. I just can’t believe that this sort of sportsmanship should be found acceptable. Brothers and sisters, should people be asking God to violate the freewill of their opponents? May it never be!
Anyone who prays to God to help them remember facts for their examination is also guilty of cheating. They are no better than someone who writes answers on their body that they can peek at. No doubt, they’ll give thanks to God for his help if they pass the exam, but if they are going to rely on supernatural power to pass the exam, they should be given an automatic fail.
Then there are people who go to a job interview and who pray beforehand to help them get the job. They are either expecting God to supernaturally help create a good impression or worse, violate the freewill of the employer and force them to choose them over other candidates.
Brothers and sisters, this type of immoral activity must be stopped. We must stop asking the almighty for favours over others. We must stop asking him to violate people’s free will. We must stop cheating in sports!
Dear Pastor Jake,
I took your advice and started up my own religion, just like St Paul did. However, nobody is taking me seriously. They simply scoff and make fun of me. I did get one convert, and that was my best friend Callum Lester, but then he got fed up with me bossing him around and so quit. What can I do to gain converts?
Any successful religion uses fear tactics to gain converts and you need to do the same. By incorporating, something like Hell into the religion will scare people. You can use that to threaten them to confirm. Even better, threaten them with eternal suffering, because that is even more sadistic and will make you greatly feared.
This will also ensure that once your converts are under your control, they will be too scared to “quit” for fear of suffering your wrath.
Dear Pastor Jake,
I take exception with you encouraging that idiot to start his own religion. The bible says that Jesus is the only way to God and that all others are false. Why would you so blatantly defy the one true God? And how dare you suggest that St Paul created his own religion.
Dear Pusher of Whine,
I do not defy the one true God. Don’t you realise that in the end times, there will be more and more false religions springing up? It’s God’s will! I am simply aiding that prophecy so that Christ’s return can be brought forward.
You whine about what I said about Paul, but anyone who has studied the writings of Paul can see that many of his teachings do not line up with Christ’s and that he in fact has twisted a lot of what Jesus said. Modern day Christianity is really Paulianity, not Christianity. Please wake up and read your bible properly and quit trying to twist it.
Dear Pastor Jake
I think you are a fraud. I do not believe that you are a true Christian. You are simply in this for the money, taking in a hefty fee for writing for UBBA Magazine. You need to get down on your knees and pray to Jesus for forgiveness right now! Beg him for forgiveness lest he roast you alive for all eternity!
Dear Judgemental Rita
I’m sorry, but it is you that is the false Christian. If you were a true Christian you would know that the bible forbids women to have any authority over men at all and that they should remain quiet. See 1 Corinthians 14:34 and 1 Timothy 2:12. By judging me and ordering me to pray and ask for forgiveness, you are violating these commands. Please don’t be such a hypocrite.
Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorses Aunty Lil’s methods.
Hello, it’s your Aunty Lil back again with more pearls of parenting wisdom. It is thanks to my wonderful parenting that my children have all turned out to be law abiding citizens… well apart from my oldest son, Eric who is in jail for violent crimes. But then again, I don’t really consider him my son anymore, so he doesn’t count!
In the next few editions of UBBA Magazine, I intend to go into some more about discipline. There are certain keys that one must implement, because punishment alone is not enough. These things you should remember…
Maintaining Discipline Part 1
Always go through with your threats
I have seen so many parents threaten their children if they don’t behave, but then when that brat continues with his shitty behaviour, the parent doesn’t go through with that threat. What is that teaching the child? Yes, that you don’t actually mean what you say and that they can get away with that shittiness.
So if you’re not going to go through with a threat, just don’t make the threat. It’s simple. But if you do make the threat, you absolutely MUST go through with it.
For instance, when it came to my own children, I would threaten to disown them if they brought shame to the Pyles name. My youngest son Eric did just that, after he assaulted his boss when he was 18 years old. He was put in jail. At that point, I disowned the blighter. There was no way I was going to accept what he did! My other son could then see that I meant business when it came to that sort of thing.
Another classic example was when Tucker was 17 years old and still wetting his bed. I decided that enough was enough and I was not going to tolerate it any longer. I told him that if he wet his bed again, he would be sleeping on the toilet floor without a pillow or mattress, every night until he stopped. I was as good as my word. It was annoying having to climb over a huge elephant to get to the bog, but when you are a parent, you must sometimes have to deal with these inconveniences.
Warnings are a waste of effort
Another rookie mistake from parents is when they give warning after warning after warning, but never get to the punishment. How many warnings does a brat need? Surely, one is enough and then they never need to be warned ever again. What irks me is that some parents think they need to give this same warning again a day later. Just how dumb are their kids that they can’t remember the warning they got the day before? No, they’re not that dumb. (At least not as dumb as my own son Tucker.) Only, you the parent are the dumb one. The kid knows he’ll always get at least one warning, so knows he can get away with his shitty behaviour at least once every day. You are just creating work for yourself!
I never give warnings. Not only is it creating work for yourself, it shows you are weak and just looking for opportunities to shirk your responsibility when it comes to administering discipline. If an offence is committed, punishment is dished out right away. For instance, when my children soiled their nappy for the first time, I didn’t give him warnings. I simply took their noses and rubbed it in it, just as you’d do to a kitten or a puppy. At that age, they are not able to reason. Best just to teach them the hard way.
Love Aunty Lil
A monthly column where readers send in letters with personal problems to solve. Our psychological expert Will Ulman (Alias Wal) has the answers and will gladly give his advice free. Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Wal will give sensitive, caring advice to help you solve it.
I was reading last month how a guy went around wearing a paper bay over his head with a picture of Rex Cassidy on it and how he had girls going nuts over him. I tried doing the same thing hoping I might have the same luck. Instead, I became the laughing stock of my whole work place. It’s been two weeks and everybody still thinks I’m an idiot. What do I do to regain my self-respect and the respect of my workmates?
Well that’s what you get when you take advice that was meant from somebody else. Just because I diagnose paper bags for one person does not necessarily mean it will work for anyone else. Try wearing a plastic bag over your head instead, that ought to put you out of your misery.
Hi, it's me again, the one you told to wear a paper bag over my head to attract girls. Well I done what you said and switched my Rex Cassidy paper bag with a Tucker Pyles paper bag. Now all the girls steer clear of me. Now I’m back where I started! I only wanted one girlfriend and now I’ve got none!
Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place, you wally? I‘ll send you the telephone number of Tucker Pyles ex girl friend.
My husband beats me. He has been beating me regularly for the last two years. Enough is enough. I need help. What can I do?
I'll be right over to smash the stinking creeps head in!
I have this annoying neighbour who is for ever coming over to visit. I don’t want to be rude, but it is really bugging me. How can I stop her from coming over without hurting her feelings?
Tell her that you have a contagious incurable disease. That‘ll keep her away. Otherwise, get a vicious dog that attacks on sight. Guaranteed to work! We used that particular method once to heap Tucker Pyles out of the kitchen.
I am 48 years old and in love with an 18 year old and she loves me, but we are afraid to bring our relationship out in to the open. Her father is very closed minded and we are afraid of what our friends will think. What should we do?
Reply What a cradle snatcher! Are you some kind of sick wacko? You need psychiatric help mate and so does she. She must be a nutter to be in love with an old codger like you. Go back to the rest home mate, there’s plenty of old grannies there who will be only too happy to push your wheel chair!
My husband doesn’t understand me, what should I do?
Sorry, I don’t understand the question
It’s Tucker Pyles again. I’ve decided to take your advice and write an honest letter. Lately I’ve been having these Diarrhoea problems and I can’t afford to go to the doctor because it would mean I’d have to give up some food to pay the fees. On top of this, I keep making a mess of my pants and everybody’s complaining that I stink. It’s not very Ubbery. What do I do?
For a start, you chump, you always stink no matter what. As for the other problem it’s just too disgusting to even think about, so I’ll he honest with you Tucker. Go flush yourself completely down the bog, which would solve everybody’s problems.
Every time I hear the name Tucker Pyles mentioned, I feel like throwing up. What can I do to overcome the problem?
I‘m afraid that that is just one of those incurable problems that happen to all of us. It’s like a cold, you will always get them and you will get them time and time again. I assure you that everybody chucks up when they hear that name mentioned. Just spare a thought for us guys who have to work with him. We lose that little bit more wellbeing every day, not to mention one point of our IQ
Get a Load of this deal!
Are you over weight by 20 KG's?
Do you weigh half a tonne?
Well with this set of bathroom scales, you can be as light as you like because these scales can be rigged to read any weight you like.
In fact, these scales are totally stuffed! Well so would you be if Tucker Pyles stood on you.
Yes! These are the greatest scales available on the market. With
these scales Kermit the Frog can weigh 80kgs and Tucker Pyles can weigh the same as Peewee Herman.
Get yours nowl!
Click on image to enlarge
Brought to you by Mad Dave Harris.
Finding one answer will open the door for many new questions. One of the questions will be why do I take this horoscope crap so seriously?
While today's circumstance isn't the best you could have hoped for, it's also not the worst you've known. (Notice again how I've pretty much told you nothing and this is going to be something
that's true for everybody no matter what your situation is?)
Remember, don’t throw cigarette butts out the window of your car otherwise WOOF!! You might set fire to a dog.
Your Harriscope for today is highly secretive. In fact, it is too confidential to print in this magazine. Sorry about that.
As for you, all your news is bad. Extremely bad...Hell. That’s a bit of a worry… Gordon Bennett... I better not print that, that’s terrible. Good lord...Its just too hideous to print. It would ruin your whole day… your whole life in fact and wouldn’t want to do that. Hey! Everything’s hoopy. No worries, take it easy, Farewell....I mean see you next time. I’m sure nothing terrible will happen to you at all.
Financial rewards are coming your way this month. If you’re playing monopoly.
Plan for mistakes, because you're so darn incompetent, you're bound to make plenty.
With Venus and Mars both visiting your domestic zone, you're gonna get very little peace and quiet this month. My advice is to kick them out and tell them to go bother somebody else instead.
Confusion is in the air. Well it is for me, because you are not the type of person who bothers reading horoscopes. So I can't figure out why you're even bothering to read this.
If you’re reading this, then you’re a Leo, so rack off and leave this magazine alone! Leo's aren’t allowed to read UBBA Magazine
I can't be stuffed doing a Harriscope for you this month.
I've got a great Harriscope for you this month. Your going to love it! It'll really make your day, in fact it'll make your life, it’s that fantastic! Here it is. Get a load of it! Oh...I've forgotten what it is...Too bad.
The Hilton sisters pose for UBBA Magazine.
Sean Penn accepts his UBBA Magazine award for "Has-been of the year"
Justin Beiber attempts to start a new trend. Wearing an upside down birds nest on his head.
"You want to be a politician? You need a brain THIS big."
The frustration wells up inside of Jean Claude Van Damme. Will he ever be more than just a cheap imitation of Arnold Schwarzenegger? And will he ever... EVER, star in a good movie?
Time Warped is a comedy/sci-fi/horror aimed at a young adult audience.
Vince Drexler has created a time machine, however he unwittingly triggers a chain of events that could result in the end of the world. His time travelling causes all the time lines to become tangled so that elements of each destination merge with the current time. Cowboys and Roman centurians in the 21st century, Christ being crucified on a city hill top, cruise ships made of gopher wood.. There is only one thing for it. Vince has to visit God's dimension to enlist help to fix the problem.
Meanwhile Shawn Camerons, a failing solicitor is the only other human on the planet that is noticing these bizarre changes. However some dark force is beckoning him, calling him for some unknown task...
Last of all is Joe Ashley, a typical Auckland city cop. He is suffering the side effects of Vince Drexler's time travelling experiments and finds himself regularly transported into an empty shell of the Earth where nothing exists but demoniac and angelic forces battling it out in a never ending war.
In God’s dimension, the battle between good and evil continued to rage. It was an eternal war, made up of many battles, often with no decisive winner. It had become tougher for the angels in recent times. The demon forces were larger and more powerful. However, they had been through similar times before. Times when such mighty empires as the Babylonians and the Romans ruled. Through the dark ages, through the stench of communism and Nazism and now to the powerful grip of liberalism - the acceptance of all things they despised.
Heath, the captain of the angelic forces, had seen it all before in various forms. He had witnessed the immorality of such infamous cities as Sodom and Gomorrah. He had seen the horrific persecution of people, especially at the hands of ruthless dictators like Nero and Hitler. He had seen history repeat itself many times and the humans rarely learnt from it.
The forces of good had always pulled through in the end though. Even after many, often seemingly futile battles, they had managed to send the demons packing. However, there was something different about these times. All those things that had appeared sporadically throughout history were now all bundled up in a neat little package and promoted as healthy living. How Heath hated that. How foolish these humans were - how ignorant. They had no idea that their actions on Earth strengthened or weakened the forces of good and evil in the outer-worldly dimensions.
The last battle had been a tough one. They had suffered many casualties at the hands of the demons. Heath led his men back to base and went to make a report to Commander Heros.
The face of the commander looked tired. ‘What’s the situation Captain Heath?’
‘Thirty five casualties, sir.’
Heros winced. ‘That’s bad. I’ve been getting similar reports from my other captains too.’
‘What’s happening, Commander? The demons seemed to get stronger as we were fighting them. Has something happened on Earth? Has a new dictator taken power? A new cult started up? Has another soap opera aired on national television somewhere?’
‘Not this time, Heath. No, this is something worse.’
‘Worse than a new soap-opera?’
‘Worse, because of the fact we don’t know what has caused it. This is a complete mystery to us. Intelligence has a team working on it right now. Until we hear from them, we’re just going to have to continue on and hope for the best.’
‘This must be something big.’
‘Perhaps. However, it wouldn’t be the first time something big has ever happened. It’s just that this time, we don’t know just how big it is…’
‘Or what it is.’
The commander nodded. ‘Well anyway, you and your men have earned a break. You’ve done a good job, Captain, keep up the good work.’
‘Let’s just hope they find out what’s causing the demon forces to strengthen.’
In another part of the God’s dimension, where Angels and Demons never ventured, a game was being played, between the Almighty and his nemesis – Satan. Both beings stretched out on deck chairs, under palm trees, beside a crystal-clear, blue lagoon, white sand all around them. The sun shone brilliantly and it was without a doubt, a glorious day.
But then it was always a glorious day in this part of the Celestial Dimension, God saw to that himself. It could be whatever he wanted it to be and he could take on any form he wanted to. Right now, he took on the human form, and enjoyed stretching out on his deck chair, occasionally sipping on a Pina Colada from the table beside him.
He paused from his drink to look at a globe hovering in midair in front of him. Without touching the globe, he slowly waved his hand to the left. The globe rotated so that he could view the reverse side. God didn’t like what he saw.
‘All right, Lucifer, what are you playing at?’ God looked across at his opponent who relaxed in his own deck chair, with his own cocktail. He had an identical globe hovering in front of him. He too took on the form of a human, a very handsome one with clear skins and rugged good looks. He rose up a slender hand and waved it slowly up. His globe rolled with it.
‘Oh, what is it this time?’ Satan asked. His bright blue eyes glanced over at him quizzically.
‘You know full well what I’m talking about,’ God replied, looking back at his globe with furrowed brow. ‘You can’t do this, it’s against the rules!’
‘Oh, don’t start all that again. You’re not going on about me messing with the world’s police forces again, are you?’
God glared across at him. ‘You know you went too far then! You know you can’t just turn an honourable institution into a criminal organisation. You completely twisted things around.’
‘I did not!’ Satan retorted. ‘I just manipulated them. I brought the corrupt cops into power. I was just trying to make a point.'
'That power corrupts. No matter who you put in power, they will always become selfish and proud. I mean come on, we've seen that so often with the people you put in charge of things.'
‘Oh, nonsense! I put only those who deserve to be in power, in power. I don’t know how you did it this time, but you did something underhanded. As a result of that I lost a lot of men and you gained a horde. That was a result of your direct interference on Earth, not as a result of manipulation.’
‘Why can’t you play fairly for a change?’
‘Me play fairly for a change? You can talk! Anything you don't like and suddenly you unleash your genicidal wrath!'
The table beside God began to shake and he could feel righteous indignation rise up inside him. His cocktail trembled and liquid spilled out over the sides.
'Calm down, calm down,' Satan said. 'You really must control that temper of yours. It just results in so much suffering for everybody. You just never learn.'
'Sin must be punished!'
'Really, Yahweh, your taste for blood really is quite disturbing.'
God pointed his finger at Satan. 'You know darn well that the blood of innocents is required to cleanse sin.'
'So you keep telling me, but I still can't see how a symbolic act can have an effect on anything, unless you take some kind of action yourself. So how does it, Yahweh? How does the slaughter of an innocent being achieve this? Please tell me.'
'It just does!'
'Because I say it does!'
'Yeah, yeah, it always comes down to that doesn't it? "Because I say so... nah nah nah nah!"'
'Just focus on the bloody game!'
'Seems your obsessed with blood.'
'The game, damn it, Lucifer, the game!' Sometimes God wished he had stuck to playing chess against Satan, as the stakes were a lot less. At least that game only involved mechanical pieces and it didn’t matter what happened to them. They had no emotions, no lives, no hopes and desires. But both God and Satan had grown bored with it and they had wanted something more. So God created the Earth, a giant chessboard, but filled with real people who had a mind of their own and did what they wanted to do.
What made the game even more interesting was that angels and demons battled it out in the Celestial Dimension, in a war that the events on Earth indirectly affected. When Satan made a significant move, his hordes gained strength and numbers. When God made a significant move, the same happened with his armies.
A frown appeared on Satan's face. 'Now wait just a darn minute. You're accusing me of cheating. What about you?'
'What in the heaven are you talking about?'
'Take a look!' Satan pointed to his globe. 'That’s your dastardly handy work, is it not?’
God paused for a moment and rotated his globe. He took a sip from his Cocktail and when he saw what it was his eyes widened.
‘Well? Are you going admit to your own cheating this time?' Satan asked.
God stared and stared some more. 'That has nothing to do with me!'
'Oh really? That'll be the day.'
'Oh no. That has nothing to do with me at all...' God mused. 'It looks as though our game is taking a turn that neither of us expected...'
Entire novel available for sale on Smashwords:
By Dufus Pyles
Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.
All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine