NEW WORLDWIDE LAW!
All aging rock stars MUST retire at
Will Ferrell stars in his very first FUNNY MOVIE!!
Trump to build wall out of LEGO BRICKS!
New Church Statistics -
Hypocrisy down to record low of 93%!
Coke really IS better than Pepsi!
101 ways to kill a man with a
Have you noticed that all your favourite pop stars of your childhood are either becoming old geriatrics or dying? We here at UBBA have noticed the same thing, and it’s kind of sad really. Long gone are the days they had hits on the radio, but if we’re lucky we get to see them in concert. I’m just waiting for the day we see some of them on stage with a zimmer frame. I’m sure it’s not far off.
But aging pop stars are not what UBBA Magazine is about. We’re about making a mockery of just about anything and if the likes of Mick Jagger come into it, so be it. Just don’t expect me to move like him. I actually want to look like a straight male on the dance floor.
This edition Colin Hewgill continues his interview with resident UBBA writers, Aunty Lil and Tucker Pyles. We really had to lay down the law to him this time, as he started the interview 2 months ago and really didn’t want to finish it. We figured it was unfair to leave Lil and Tucker waiting for so long, even though it meant they were kept out of our hair.
If you want to learn how to create your own successful religion, well in this edition Pastor Jake tells us how. After reading it, you'll have to admit that there are some religions around today that clearly used those techniques!
Well, that's it from me this edition. Enjoy!
Note from the Editor:
UBBA Magazine have decided that we can’t be bothered replying to any of your letters this edition. Get over it! (Especially you, Tucker Pyles, you ubbhead).
Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. If we can be bothered, we'll print them in UBBA and if you're extra lucky we will make some kind of sarcastic or witty reply.
If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.
Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World
Interviewer: Colin Hewgill
Interviewees: Lil Pyles (Aunty Lil) and son Tucker
Colin: Hi, again everyone, I’m back from having a few beers and am ready to continue my interview with Tucker Pyles and his mother Aunty Lil.
Aunty Lil: That’s Aunty Lil and her son Tucker!
Tucker: How come you took so long? You said you’d only go for a few beers, but it was two months ago we started this interview! TWO MONTHS!
Colin: I needed more than just a few beers to be able to continue with this interview.
Tucker: Are you trying to tell me you’ve spent the last two months drinking?
Colin: Well no. After my beers I had to somehow motivate myself to continue this interview. It just so happened it took me two months. Are you trying to tell me you’ve been waiting here all this time?
Tucker: Ummm… yeah.
Colin (Cringes): Oh my God. You two really are a couple of A grade morons, aren’t you?
Tucker: OWWWW Mum! Don’t start slapping me again!
Aunty Lil: That’s for the fact your friend called ME an A Grade moron. And for you BEING an A Grade moron. There’s no excuses for it. Oh and this is for continuing to tell me that he’d be back soon!
Aunty Lil: It’s YOUR fault we’ve been waiting here for two months for the second part of this interview!
Tucker: MY fault???
Aunty Lil: YES! You made me look stupid on the Internet! All the millions of UBBA Magazine readers are now going to think I’m as stupid as you are!
Tucker: Well he said he’d be back soon.
Aunty Lil: Since when was SOON two months into the future?
Tucker: Well you always tell me that Jesus is coming back soon and it’s been over 2000 years for him. So two months is…
SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!
Aunty Lil: DON’T YOU DARE QUOTE ME! You’re too darn fond of repeating embarrassing things I’ve said!
Colin: At least when I say I’ll be back soon its not over 2000 years into the future. What I say can be taken seriously. So anyway Tucker, how about we start with the questions…
Tucker: They better be sensible ones, not retarded ones like you asked my mother two months ago!
Colin: I’ll ask you any question I damn well like, Buckweed! Just you be ready to answer them and I don’t want to hear a whole lot of deluded, egotistical crap! First question! Whatever made you decide to have a cooking column in UBBA Magazine? You’ve never been able to cook at any time in your life. Your mother always cooked for you!
Aunty Lil: Yes, I did and he was an ungrateful slob. Never appreciated it. Was never satisfied. Always wanted more!
Tucker: I CAN cook!
Colin: When have you ever cooked anything edible to humans? When, Buckweed?
Tucker: People love my cooking! They love my recipes. I got hundreds of letters from fans about how great my cooking column was and how wonderful the recipes were!
Colin: And you would have had a lot more too, but you ran out of stamps and email accounts. Seriously, your cooking column was crap. I’d never risk eating any of the food you came up with. Ever!
Tucker: I would expect that from you. You have no taste.
Colin: My taste buds are quite normal thank you. They would never want to taste anything like grass, crunchy dog turds, spray foam, napalm, or anything like the stuff you use as ingredients in your cooking!
Tucker: Have you ever tasted those things?
Tucker: So how would you know if they tasted good or not? Are you that afraid to try something new?
Colin: I’m always up for a new challenge, lard-ass, I’m just not going to eat things that the body doesn’t digest… nor am I going to eat anything that’s been digested by something else! You truly are one sick piece of work, the things you put into your recipes! Who the hell eats Beef Cabbage Fudge anyway? Or Road Kill Pizza? Or Chocolate and liver brownies? Only some sick moron who’s so desperate for food he’ll eat anything!
Tucker: I’m not going to put up with your insults, ubbhead! Either apologise or get down on your knees and kiss my feet.
Aunty Lil: Shut your mouth, Tucker! If I had to put up with his insults, then so do you!
Colin: Tucker, you’re a moron and everybody knows it. No one has ever eaten any of your food because nobody’s ever bothered to make it. The only fans of your cooking are your own split personalities… the ones you get to write into UBBA Magazine saying how great your cooking is. I don’t know who you thought you were kidding. Our editor is not stupid enough to fall for that.
Tucker: They are not split personalities! They are real people!
Colin: They’re imaginary! Just like the girlfriends you used to have at high school. Now let’s move onto your newest venture in UBBA Magazine. Taking over the advice column from Wal. Do you seriously think you have any worthwhile advice to give anyone? Do you seriously think even one shred of it is worth listening to?
Tucker: I give valuable advice, unlike that boofhead, Ullman. Ullman was giving advice to a guy telling him to wear paper bags over his head with pictures of celebrities on to cure his ugliness. How stupid is that?
Colin: His advice worked though. Yours doesn’t!
Tucker: Wearing those paper bags just caused him all sorts of troubles!
Colin: He never complained about his own ugliness again, did he?
Tucker: Yeah, but…
Colin: All the new problems he had caused that one to pale in comparison. I say Wal did a damn good job. He taught the guy there are far worse problems in life than being ugly. You see, Wal did more than just solve people’s problems. He put things into perspective for them. All you do is make matters worse with your advice.
Tucker: I do not! And speaking of my advice column, I want to say right here right now that I completely object to the disclaimer that they put at the top of my column each edition. How am I supposed to solve people’s problems when the publishers are making me look bad right from the word go?
Colin: YOU make yourself look bad from the word go. Any way I don’t want to hear you complaining about that. Just shut up, you’re here to be interviewed not complain.
Tucker: I will not be silenced! I…
Colin: I said SHUT THE HELL UP! You’re not using my interview forum to push your agenda, dumb ass! I don’t want to hear any more about it. If I do, I’ll slap your flabby face even harder than your old dragon of a mother did.
Tucker: OWWW! Colin, will you stop insulting my mother. She keeps hitting me.
Colin: Aunty Lil is an old witch.
Tucker: OWWWWW! Colin stop making my mother slap me!
Colin: Aunty Lil’s movie reviews suck.
SLAP SLAP SLAP!!
Colin: Are you going to shut up about that disclaimer on your advice column now?
Colin: Good. Well that’s it anyway. I have no more questions. Interview is now over.
Tucker: What? That’s it? No more questions? You’re not going to ask me about my future ideas for columns in UBBA Magazine?
Colin: No, I’m not that stupid. Interview is over. It’s been nice for you to be here.
Tucker: No it wasn’t! My mother kept slapping me.
Aunty Lil: Colin deserved it!
Tucker: What about me??
Aunty Lil: You always deserve a good slapping.
Our resident roving reporter Wal (Will Ullman) reports on one of UBBA Magazine's headlines...
Coke really IS better than Pepsi!
It official! Coke really is better than Pepsi and people who prefer Pepsi over Coke have extremely bad taste. Don’t argue with me! Argue with the headline on UBBA Magazine. You should know that UBBA always tells the truth. I actually did my research on this to confirm it. I interviewed a hundred Coke drinkers and a hundred Pepsi drinkers. So you can take what I’m telling you as gospel, ok?
I remember years ago seeing this cartoon where they had a horse drinking out of a trough of draft beer and then out the other end he was peeing lager into a bucket. After you have read my findings here, I’m sure you will agree that they could do a similar cartoon where the horse drinks Coke and pees Pepsi. Try it yourself! I’m sure you’ll find that Coke you pee out later will taste exactly like Pepsi.
The truth of the matter is that people who drink Pepsi are a bunch of wankers. Come on, Pepsi drinkers, you know you are wankers, don't deny it. Anyone who would drink that type of crap really is a wanker. I can’t help that. It’s just the way it is. You may not believe me, but every single one of the Pepsi drinkers I interviewed were definitely wankers, no joke.
You Pepsi drinkers should also know that Coke is way better for you. Sure, some morons have done tests where they put a coin in a glass of Coke and see what the Coke does to it. But seriously, what does that prove? It proves that metal doesn’t fare well when in contact with Coke, but come on morons, our stomachs aren’t made of metal! So don’t be so F’ing stupid! Water also corrodes metal, but should we stop drinking water?
If you’ve ever studied evolution, you will know that the more evolved of us drink Coke rather than Pepsi. In fact, studies have shown that Pepsi drinkers DNA is very much the same as a gorilla’s. Well that’s not surprising seeing that they drink Pepsi. It probably turned their human DNA into gorilla DNA. I’m sure we can do some scientific tests to prove that.
The fact is Pepsi has far more negative effects than Coke ever will. Pepsi turns you into a moron. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is. This was proven when I interviewed all those Pepsi fans. They’re morons as well as wankers. I can’t help that fact. Sometimes reality isn’t pretty, so just live with that.
The Coke drinkers on the other hand, they were an intelligent bunch. Well educated and people for refined taste… unlike those uncouth Pepsi drinkers.
So please people, let’s have some common sense and let’s quit drinking the crap and start drinking the good stuff. No more Pepsi!
Take your Ts & Cs and…
By Vanessa Dante
Arggghhh! It really irritates me when you hear a commercial on the radio and at the end, after making all these promises about how great their services or products on offer are, they tack on a gigantic catch…"Ts & Cs apply". It’s being abbreviated more and more these days.
No advertisers, no, that's just wrong. It's wrong that there are terms and conditions as it is, It means that nobody actually gets a good deal at all, because there will be some catch that makes you ineligible. So Terms and Conditions are very bad news for us consumers. To shorten them to Ts and Cs is even more wrong. We only give initials like that to things we like. For instance, M&Ms, KFC, We also usually only shorten a person’s name if we like them, For instance, BJ, Mr C, Mrs H, So only good things get to be shortened like that. Terms and Conditions are not good things. We do not like them. We don’t want them! They don’t deserve to be given a nickname.
What you are doing, advertiser, is attempting to sugar coat crap. You are trying to spraypaint a dog turd golden and hope it will be taken as real gold. Oh you bet your pink lacey knickers you are! You are taking something which is going to render your good deal worthless and assigning it a friendly nickname. Just stop that. It’s wrong, it sounds stupid and I don’t give a damn if you only have a 30 second spot for your irritating commercial. Say what has always been said for decades... “Terms and Conditions apply”. Yes, there is clearly a catch with your so-called great deal, but be honest about it. Don’t try to turn it into something it’s not.
To put it as politely as possible. Take your Ts & Cs and shove them where the sun don’t shine! Thank you.
We have been talking about how the people on Threr make their money, but now it’s time to move on to technology. Who does it work on this seemingly backward running planet?
There are many adhesive devices that have the ability to join broken, cut or torn objects back together. In a previous edition, we talked about zrizziss used by hair implanters to implant hair. Zrizziss can also be used to adhese many other items too, like paper and cloth. We will also talk a little about vines further down and their adhesive use when it comes to food in particular, but there are many other types of adhesers for jobs ranging from cloth and paper to wood and rock.
1. Rerdearshes. These devices can take shredded paper and restore them to their original shape and size.
2. Rermahkadges. These are particularly useful for rock and concrete. These heavy manually operated tools can be used to pound rock and concrete into one solid object.
3. Wauses. Devices used to knit wooden items back together. They can be manual devices used by good old fashioned human strength all they can be electronic devices, which work a lot faster. Both devices make use of special organic material called studwaus, which helps mould the timber together.
4. Zixahs. These work very similar to rermahkadges, but a swung and are used particularly for trees. They will actually repair damaged and dead trees. Wood can be knitted back together and actually reattached to a tree stump and the tree will be regenerated. Certain types of waus are also commonly used to repair damaged or dead trees.
Threrrians seem to prefer extremes of temperature and even during colder periods they will have cooling devices to decrease temperatures. One such device is called the rerteeh, an electronic device that sucks heat into itself. Generally they are small enough to move around a room to various positions.
Rather than putting electric blankets on their beds to warm them up, they use cooling blankets. These blankets extract heat from the bed, creating a cooler temperature. If you don’t have a cooling blanket you may instead have special rubber devices filled with a cooling agent that draws heat from you as you cuddle up with it in bed. Cooling blankets are generally preferred though, although more and more people are starting to opt for the smaller item, most likely because they are more economical.
Strangely enough in hotter weather these devices are not used and instead the average Threrrian opts for heating devices instead.
These devices are used to draw out liquids from moist articles. They have the ability to suck volumes of liquids from sources such as an item of wet clothing to a cup of soup. They are commonly used when it comes to regurgitated foods and drinks. Liquids can be extracted from these wastes and recycled accordingly.
These devices take on many different forms. Some of the most common are:
1. Gudges. Portable handheld objects which can be tilted over an object – say a bowl of liquid and will suck out only the water from it.
2. Litobs. These are able to extract many different liquids from things – more than just water. Eg milk, juices, cleaning products. They are very economical and will generally be used for storage of the liquids after extraction. This provides an easy method of selling the liquids on to other sources. Threrrians often carry litobs around with them, particularly while exercising, so that you can extract built up moisture from their bodies.
Sociologist – John Webber comments:
It’s likely that Threrrians would need to expel built-up moisture on a regular basis, however as on Earth, certain natural bodily functions would be considered inappropriate under certain circumstances. On Earth, for instance, public urination is deemed inappropriate. No doubt acts such as these would be deemed primitive or even offensive to people on Threr too. We can see that on Threrrian, animals will regurgitate their food at food sources eg, off the ground. Threrrian humans, on the other hand, regurgitate onto and into objects such as plates, cups, plastic and paper bags. The use of litobs seems to act as another of these methods, thus allowing the Threrrians to undertake their natural bodily functions with dignity.
3. Pats. Tap like objects, present in almost any building. These draw water out of objects in great volume, depositing it into tanks. For instance, one may wish to take a sink full of soapy water or a machine full of soaked dirty washing and draw only the pure water from it. Turning on this tap like suction device will accomplish this.
We have discussed how the environment on Threr has a regenerating effect on life. It is also the same when it comes to inanimate objects and so the Threrrians use the earth to renew the quality and colour of items such as clothing.
Clean items of clothing will be put into a dirtying machine and then from underground waste water systems, dirty water is pumped up into the machine, where the machine then mixes it into the clothing. It then dries the clothing by extracting the clean water from it through pats (see earlier) and leaves the clothes dirty. Threrrians wear this clothing without further washing, which is fine because the atmosphere on Threr tends to clean clothing anyway. What is important is to note that over a period of several weeks, sometimes months, as the clothing undergoes regular dirtying, they begin to take on a newer more colourful look.
When it comes to buying clothing, Threrrians will often obtain very old worn clothing (often they can even get them free from other Threrrians or from recycled garbage). They will then put this clothing through regular dirtying, whilst wearing the items themselves. By the end, they have clothes that they can sell at a profit.
There are also dirtying machines for dishes too. Threrrians find that putting dishes through a dirtying process helps return colour to some of them. Threrrians also seem to prefer to use dirty dishes when it comes to regurgitation rituals.
How to create your own religion
A lot of people have written into me about the advice I give in UBBA Magazine, especially to one of my fans who has started his own religion. Many complain that I am giving him this advice, while others are very impressed and have asked me to do a series of sermons on creating your own religion. I have decided to do this.
Now let me get one thing clear, I do not approve of people starting up their own religions. There is only one true religion and that is the one that I, Pastor Jake adhere to. So I do this series, not in the hope that you will create your own religions, but in the hope you will see the folly of it. I hope that you will be able to identify false religions when you see them. Even false versions of Christianity!
This is part 1 of my talk. Part 2 will be next edition.
Include religious rituals
Every good religion is full of religious rituals to keep people entertained. All one has to do is look at a typical Christian church, with its baptisms, altar calls, communion , worship sessions, bible readings, prayer times, etc etc. There is a lot going on, so you need to create some of your own religious rituals too.
Say food is your thing. Perhaps instigating some kind of communion ritual would be a good one. Religious rituals around eating and drinking. Really though, it’s up to you what you instigate. As soon as you say it’s crucial to do those things to be considered a true member of your religion, your adherents will do them. Even if they don’t like the idea of practising religion just try to make out it’s not really religion. That it’s them taking further steps in their relationship with your God.
Finances and Ministries
No religion can run without funds. The more money coming in the more “God can do”.
Be sure to preach regularly about giving money and give plenty of opportunities to give beyond tithing. Be sure to promise rewards in the afterlife for those who are willing to give up their wealth now while alive. Lay a guilt trip on those who don’t give and tell them they are robbing God.
There are many ways you can have ministries going that can benefit you and also not use up too much cash. Every Christian charity and church uses the majority of their income to pay generous salaries and keep their offices and buildings looking top notch and modern. You can certainly do the same. After all your buildings should be temples, places that a king should be able to visit, after all Jesus IS king! Do not feel guilty about having all the latest bells and whistles. With technology in particular, you can say it makes your ministry more efficient and that you reach more souls because of it.
Think hard about charities you can perform. Performing some kind of service would benefit you and make the people in your congregation believe you really are doing something for the less fortunate. Also it will give your ministry a good name. You could even send yourself on a missionary journey to some place like the Bahamas or Hawaii. Pastors go on missionary and leadership trips to all sorts of exotic locations at the expense of their congregations. Nobody knows that all they do is preach at a couple of church services and spend the rest of the time sightseeing and relaxing on beaches.
Dealing with contradictions and errors in your teachings
There are several obvious things you can do to iron out the inevitable problems you will have with your doctrine, theology and dogma.
Simply try to justify the contradictions and flaws. Make up some warped and twisted explanation that perhaps ties in with another of your teachings so that it no longer becomes a contradiction. You could also claim some parts are symbolic or metaphors, to get around some of the nonsense. You could also make up some kind of supernatural entity similar to the Holy Spirit which helps you read and understand. You can say that the writings are cryptic and that you need this Holy Spirit to help understand the truth. Or you could just say it’s a translation issue and that your English writings are simply translations of some old language, perhaps ancient writings you found in a cave somewhere. You can then come up with a different interpretation to explain away the error.
Too be continued next edition...
Dear Pastor Jake
I am a pastor of a Baptist church in Cincinnati Ohio and have found that the holy spirit just does not seem to be moving very well during my sermons. I seem to be lacking inspiration and people are not impressed like they used to be. When I make an altar call, very few people respond. Currently we have an organist, which I use to try to add strength to the emotional appeal of my altar calls by having her play in the background, but she is just not cutting it. When I read your article in the previous addition of UBBA, you mentioned how even having Stairway to Heaven in the background would have a powerful effect. I did just that. Instead of the tired old organist, I played a bit of Led Zep instead and boy what an affect that had! I could just feel the holy spirit moving as Robert Plant’s lyrics did its magic. To think that the holy spirit needs good stirring music to move effectively. Who would have thought?
Pastor Bob Reynolds
I’m surprised the holy spirit was willing to do anything in the Baptist church, as it is not truly Christian, unlike my own denomination, but at least you are making some steps in the right direction. I commend you on that. Of course, sending in money to Pastor Jake Ministries will be an even bigger step in that direction. I recommend… or should I say God recommends that you do that.
Dear Pastor Jake
How can you possibly say that Phil Collins would make a good worship leader in a church! He is a filthy sinner. He has abused alcohol. He is a terrible role model. We can’t have people like him up on our stages leading the worship. That is just wrong.
Dear Mrs Loopy
For one thing, you silly woman, I did not say that Phil Collins should be your worship leader. I was suggesting you needed someone LIKE him. Someone who can get people excited, because if you’re just going to rely on the holy spirit, that’s not going to get you far. You need charismatic people up there on that stage. Secondly, Phil Collins would be a far better role model than most of the Christians you would see up on stage in your church. His sins are paltry. I shudder to think what kind of people you have up on your stage at church leading the worship. I'm sure they've abused way more than what Phil has. At least Phil was willing to admit his failures!
Dear Pastor Jake,
Hi, it’s me again, the emissary for Pylism. Thank you for your advice in the last edition of UBBA Magazine about making rules against sex before marriage. You are right, why should all the others get to enjoy sex when I’m not getting any? So I made a rule, no sex until you are married. There were some other things that annoyed me too. Like people eating lollies during our church services and not sharing any with me. And like the kids scoffing down all the chocolate biscuits at morning teas and shared meals. So I made two more laws, which have now been put into the Pylist bible. 1) Three quarters of every bag of lollies must be tithed to the Emissary. 2) Only those over the age of 47 are allowed to eat chocolate biscuits. (I’m 48). I need some more advice from you though. People are still not putting enough money into the offering bag. What is the best threat I can use to get people to give more?
Tucker Pyles – The emissary for Pylism (and UBBA Magazine columnist)
I would mix a promise with a threat, just to make the threat sound less malevolent, ie Give as much as you can. In Heaven you will receive 100-fold what you give in this life. Rob God of what is rightfully his and not only will you struggle financially in this life, you will burn for all eternity in the next.
In this regular feature, Mad Dave Harris brings you television shows from the past and gives his spin on them.
Over the years I have watched a lot of American sitcoms about American families. Shows like “Family Ties”, “Married with children”, “Happy Days”, “Fresh Prince of Bel Air”… oh and don’t forget that show about that guy who drugs women so that he can have his way with them... on second thoughts, let’s not think about that particular show.
These are the things I have learnt about American families thanks to watching their sitcoms:
In this new regular feature,
Aunty Lil reviews a famous movie from the past.
They say this is supposed to be great family entertainment? Who do they think they are kidding? For a start, you have this clearly demoniac creature who is supposed to be an alien from outer space who goes around with this finger of his that looks like some kind of phallic symbol with a glowing red knob! Disgusting! Filthy! This type of pornography should not be given a PG rating ever!
What’s worse is that ET is supposed to be an adult space traveller, so what the hell is he doing hanging out in the closet of a little ten-year-old boy? How perverse is that? Stephen Speilbuggery, the director of this movie, is clearly a pervert and even maybe a closet paedophile. I’m OUTRAGED that this sort of filth should be at our cinemas. It should be in some little dark dingy cinema down a dark alley with spirals circling around and round on the screen.
Then you have that awful Drew Barrywhore playing one of the lead characters. This awful drug addict is in no way an appropriate person to be in a movie that our young children are going to be watching. We do not want our children idolising a person of such low moral standards. Not at all! I don’t care if she was only 5 years old at the time she did the movie and I don’t care if she’s cleaned up her act since she was a teenager! The only people who should be getting starring roles like this should be god-fearing church-going Christians! Then again, no self-respecting Christian would be part of such filth and depravity!
My main complaint about this movie is the demoniac character known as ET. Oh yes, he was clearly a demon as God made this universe especially for us humans! So if there is any being coming from the heavens that looks like this monstrosity it can only be a demon! Beware my fellow Christians! Do not allow Satan to trick you or your kids into watching this movie! It actually makes the demon look like something sweet and innocent. We cannot allow people to believe that fantastic nonsense. Demons are EVIL! Let’s get real here. This was no alien. This was a spawn of Satan himself!
Rating = 1 star
Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine advises you not to take Uncle Tuck's advice... unless you are a moron, in which case the world would be better off without you.
Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Uncle Tucker will attempt to solve it.
Well, I’m still not happy with the way UBBA Magazine chiefs are running this magazine so I have sent in bulk letters to them over the last three months. Why don’t I just go and see them myself? After all I do work at UBBA Magazine. Well what’s the point in UBBA Magazine having a “Letters to the Editor” section if you don’t write in letters? So expect to see multiple letters from yours truly in the “Letters to the Editor” section of UBBA Magazine this edition.
Now there has been one particular reader complaining about my advice column. Yes, he’s an ubbhead and we all know it, but I want other such ubbheads to realise that if they take my advice and for some crazy reason it doesn’t work out, then don’t blame me! Blame yourself! There was obviously a piece of advice said here that you didn’t follow correctly. And let’s face it, you should be solving your own ubbing problems anyway!
Dear Uncle Tuck
It is me again! The guy who is in prison because he took your ridiculous advice about wearing masks to escape the police. You have ruined my life! I have decided that I am going to escape from this rat hole and after I do I am coming for you! You are dead meat!
Hey, don’t blame me for your troubles. If it wasn’t for my predecessor Will Ullman giving you all that ridiculous advice he gave you, you wouldn’t have been on the run from the police in the first place. The fact you were captured tells me that you didn’t follow the advice I gave you and did something different instead. And by the way, the only dead meat there will be around here is on my plate… or the roadkill I collect to put on my plate. UUUUBBAAAAAAA!!!
Dear Uncle Tuck
I am a morbidly obese man looking to lose some weight. Can you recommend me a diet?
Feeling like an elephant
How dare you write into my advice column mentioning that word! I will not have that type of disgusting language in my column. One should never even consider going on one of those… D things! You should be proud of your huge appetite and should never let people put you down for it. Wear your gut loud and proud like I do! The fatter you are, the stronger you are! Never EVER write into me and mention the D word again. In fact, readers, beware right now. Never write to me asking about such debauchery!
Dear Uncle Tuck
Diet, diet, diet, diet, diet. Why don’t you diet quietly, Tucker, diet, diet, diet, diet. Oh and by the way. DIET!
Will “Go-on-a-diet-Tucker” Ullman (UBBA Magazine Columnist and former expert problem solver)
Ullman you are the biggest ubbhead ever hired by UBBA Magazine and I don’t know why they ever employed you! You were the worst problem solver ever, giving people the worst advice ever. My advice to you, ubbhead is go and put yourself out of OUR misery! PS Stop writing letters to UBBA Magazine, nobody wants to read your drivel on this website. Our letter answering services are for fans not writers of this magazine, so stop trying to push your opinions and your agenda onto us.
Dear Uncle Tuck
I witnessed a serious crime, but it was done by a family member and I don’t really want to report them. What should I do?
Struggling with Ethics
Look, this is a serious crime, right? Like someone stole some of your movie watching snacks. If it’s as serious as that, then that’s unforgiveable and it doesn’t matter how much you love this person, you have to report this person. However, it’s a lot of effort to go to the cops. Needs to be worth your while. I say wait until this person’s picture comes up on Crime Watch. Then you can tell the cops where they are and maybe get to appear on TV too! That’s what most people on Crime Watch do.
"Wow, even this doll looks more natural than I do!"
"OH MY GOD! I just looked in the mirror. Why didn't anyone tell me my hair looked this ridiculous?
"Tee hee hee, nice one darling, we managed to avoid that stupid moron with the camera."
"I'm a wrinkly old man playing at being a rock star. Why do you still love me?"
"I blame the Jews for my movie career going to shit!"
Tucker Pyles is undercover as an odd-job man at Harvey's Circus along with other members of the Rex Cassidy Investigators. Unfortunately he always messes up and constantly has to face the ire of circus boss, Mr Masters...
Tucker was not at all happy about having to get back to work, because going back to work for him meant pain and lots of it. He spoke in his best Dr Smith voice, 'Oh the pain... the pain!' On top of it all, there was nothing left of the night to catch up on lost sleep. It was breakfast time and hunger pains raged in his stomach. He'd have time for a meagre breakfast and then he would have to go on to whatever hellish task Masters had in store for him. At least Masters was still able to be on the top of the list of suspects, at least as far as Tucker was concerned.
'I want you in the kitchen!' Masters told him after he'd eaten breakfast.
'UUBBAAaaaaaaaaaaa,' he groaned.
'It hasn't had a decent clean in ages and the pots and pans need a good polishing. You think you can do that or is that too much to ask?'
'No problemo.' At least there was still a hope he might be able to pick up some scraps of food while he was there.
'Get to it!'
Tucker hummed an old Jona Lewie song he loved as he made his way to the kitchen caravan. 'And you'll always find him in the kitchen at parties... and you'll always find him in the kitchen at parties...' He'd always considered it his theme song.
He found the kitchen deserted, apart from a mountain of dirty pots and dishes. He groaned when he saw just how much work it was going to be. He got to work anyway, afraid of how Masters would react if he was caught doing nothing. One of the pots was huge, big enough to stand in and there was a coating of cold porridge at the bottom.
'UUUBBAAAAA!' He stuck his head down into the pot and began to lap up the remaining porridge. Once he'd emptied it, and in the process covered half his face and hair with it, he began to fill it with hot soapy water. He even climbed into the pot, enjoying a hot footbath. He attempted to sit on the edge of the pot to take some of the weight of his feet but it creaked and began to buckle underneath him.
He pulled himself back up to his feet, horrified at the thought of damaging the pot. The last thing he needed was another excuse for Masters to tear strips off him. He tried to climb out, but slipped and toppled over, landing on top of one of the other pots. It crushed beneath his weight and on inspection, he discovered to his horror he had completely flattened it. Not only that, but the large pot he'd been in had collapsed downwards on one side. It was totally ruined and would never again hold large volumes of porridge.
Soapy water now ran across the floor from the buckled pot and this caused him to slip once again, this time crushing yet another pot.
It was then that he realised he'd left the taps running in the sink after filling the big porridge pot and water was now overflowing onto the floor. He rushed over and turned off the taps, but water had already spread across much of the floor. He tried to step carefully through it but then slipped on an extra soapy bit, which sent him sprawling once more, this time into one of the shelves.
There was an ear piercing crash as pots and pans tumbled down around him. He tried to regain his balance but once again went sprawling, landing on and squashing yet more kitchen equipment.
On an attempt to get up he found his foot stuck inside a small pot. 'UURRRBBARRRRRRR!'
He took another large pot, turned it upside and sat down upon it so that he could pry the smaller pot off his foot. The pot however could not support his weight and it buckled beneath him and flattened like a cardboard box. He fell backwards and clutched at anything he could to prevent from falling. His fingers came in contact with a rubbish bin, which he grabbed and tipped. Rubbish spilt out all over the floor around him.
He groaned and sat up. He noticed a half eaten apple amongst the rubbish.
'UUUUUBBAAAAAA!' He grabbed it and proceeded to eat it, despite the fact it was very brown. He noticed other goodies in the pile of rubbish including a packet of soggy biscuits, a half sucked sweet and a piece of cake crawling with ants. In seconds they were all engulfed and he rummaged around amongst the trash for more goodies, but there wasn't much more there.
Forgetting about the pot on his foot, he climbed up, but as soon as he tried to walk, the potted foot slid from underneath him and down he came once more, this time landed on another pile of utensils, crushing them all beneath him.
He looked about him in despair realising just how much mess and damage he had caused. 'Rubbish bags. Need more rubbish bags.'
'He began to rifle through the cupboards, pulling out anything to the floor that got in his way, but he could not find any more anywhere. He decided to use his initiative and go outside to find one. The best he could do was a sack, half full of elephant shit from where the elephant resided. He figured that would do, so carried it back to the kitchen. He reached the door, but somehow the sack got caught on a nail sticking out the side of the wall of the caravan and tore a hole in the sack. Tucker pulled it free and dragged the sack inside. He turned to see bits of elephant dung trailing across the floor behind him.
'UURRBBARRRRRR!' He tipped the sack over to attempt to examine the hole and a load of elephant shit dropped out onto his feet. 'UBB IT!' Tucker screamed. He gave it a furious kick, which sent a shower of elephant crap all over the wall of the kitchen.
He grabbed some rubbish and packed it down over top of the hole, hoping that it would prevent anything more from falling out. He then proceeded to fill it with rubbish and some of the broken and squashed kitchen utensils. He hoped desperately that nobody would notice them missing. The sack was getting full and he had to drag it across the floor to get to some more rubbish, but suddenly there was a tearing sound and the handle of a saucepan ripped through the hole, making it even larger. Immediately all the rubbish that he'd collected avalanched out onto the floor. He screamed and gave the sack an angry kick. Rubbish flew out towards the door way and just as it did, Masters stepped in. Immediately he was covered in elephant crap, scraps and all sorts of other rubbish.
For a moment he just stared as a lump of elephant dung slid down the front of his face and over his mouth. She spat and shook his head and screwed up his face in revulsion. His face turned red as he stared at the mess Tucker had made. Tucker could almost see the steam come from his ears and finally he erupted. 'You stupid, bumbling, worthless, mentally retarded, useless, brainless, idiotic excuse for a moron! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
Tucker flinched and wanted to cower in the corner.
'How the hell...? What the fuck...? You have got to be the most useless sorry excuse for a piece of crap I've ever seen in my entire life! My God!'
Masters hands twitched and he advanced towards Tucker. 'I've had it with you! I've darn well had it with you!'
Tucker panicked. He grabbed the sack and hurled it at Masters, covering his face. He ran around Masters and out the door. He could just hear Masters screaming. 'I'm gonna get you!'
Tucker ran towards the nearest hiding place he could find; Stancombe's caravan, which was wide opened and he ran in there, hoping desperately that the owner wasn't home. It was a forlorn hope, but he had to hide somewhere. Fortunately, Stancombe wasn't there so he hid down beside his bed and hoped that Masters had not seen him enter.
'Where the hell are you, Pythagoras? I'm gonna wring your neck!'
Tucker held his breath. Fortunately Masters walked right by Stancombe's caravan. 'You better run, you fat moron! You better not come back!'
Tucker breathed easy. He waited for a minute just to be sure Masters wasn't coming back to search. He fumbled with a couple of shoes he found next to Stancombe’s bed. It wasn't until he was about to climb up when he realised something odd about the shoes. The heel of one was a lot thicker than the other. Tucker chuckled. No wonder he walked like a poofter.
Satisfied that Masters was gone, Tucker vacated the caravan. He'd go and hide somewhere else… at least until Masters had calmed down. Even then, perhaps he wouldn't bother coming back at all.
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Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.
All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2018