Welcome to the special
3rd Anniversary edition of
Amazing new articles
which never got written due to
PARTYING TOO HARD!
We drank them ourselves!
Wal's big scoop.
You'll never believe this story!
Tucker Pyles missing??
Where has he gone?
Do we care?
Wow! This is it, folks, this is our special 3rd anniversary special and wow it’s gonna be a big one. That most impressive one yet! If you thought you had a lot of laughs in the previous 20 editions of UBBA Magazine, well you will be in for a real surprise in this edition.
We here at UBBA Magazine want this edition to be extra special and different to all the others. We have put a lot of effort into it… well we put a lot of effort into our staff celebrations anyway. Notice however that we have not called this one our 3rd Birthday special. Of course not, that would be stupid right? Online magazines don't have birthdays. Nor do businesses or products or any other things that are not born. We here at UBBA are actually educated people so wouldn't claim anything so absurd. (Well most of us are.)
That's it from me. Enjoy!
I have written to you every month for the previous three years, but not once has any of my letters been published in UBBA Magazine. It’s a pity, because I feel my letters have been well worth reading. I really hope that this time around my letter will be published and you will respond in some way to it. Hopefully it will say something like “Thanks for reading and sorry we have never published any of your letters”.
Jacinda Ardern (New Zealand)
This was the only letter publishable this edition as we accidentally set fire to all the others during our 3rd anniversary office party.
Interviewer = Colin Hewgill
Interviewee = Donald "Biff Tannen" Trump
Colin: Hi everyone and welcome to my interview segment once again. You know seeing as it’s been three years now since the very first edition of UBBA, we decided to invite back the guy I interviewed in the very first edition. That’s right. I’m here with Gordon Ramsey who is now President of the USA!
Trump: TRUMP! The name’s Trump and I expect you to call me sir!
Colin: Yes, chef.
Trump (with a glare): I was hoping to be interviewed by Vanessa Dante.
Colin: She didn't want you leering at her and making passes at her.
Trump: I wouldn't do that!
Trump: Last time you attempted to make a complete mockery of me.
Colin: Well since then, you've been the one making a mockery of yourself. This time around I have other plans in store.
Trump: Remember, I am the president of the USA now.
Colin: Yeah, can you believe how stupid Americans are voting in the host of Hell's Kitchen into power? Sheesh!
Trump: I hosted the Apprentice, not Hell's Kitchen!
Colin: I guess you should be thankful that all the other candidates are worse cooks than you are, Gordo.
Trump: Get my name right, Colin or I’m out of here!
Colin: Oh are you going to threaten to sue me again, like last time? That didn’t get you very far, did it?
Trump: I will leave right now if I don’t get the respect due me.
Colin: You aren’t worthy of respect, Ramsey, in fact the only reason we’re having you back for an interview is because I want to do this…
Colin: Ha ha ha ha. That takes care of that moron. That's for you my American friends. Interview over.
Our resident roving reporter Wal (Will Ullman) reports on one of UBBA Magazine's headlines...
This is it, ladies and gentleman, this is the biggest scoop of my entire career man. This story is incredible and you’re never going to believe it, but it’s all completely true. Man, I just can’t get over how incredible this is and…
Editor’s note: UBBA Magazine apologizes. Will Ullman was typing up this news at the staff 3rd anniversary party (He'd left it to the last moment as usual) and unfortunately got too carried away drinking beer, so it was never completed. We hope to bring it to you in the next edition if he is able to recall what this story was.
Three years of UBBA Magazine
An in depth analysis
By Vanessa Dante
I’ve been asked this month to do an in depth analysis of the first three years of UBBA Magazine - talk about what was successful and what wasn’t. I could take up the entire magazine talking about how warped the writers are, but I just won’t. I have better things to do, like getting it one with my darling Rex.
Catch you next edition!
This edition, we talk about Music on Threr, a very comprehensive subject indeed...
Music on Threr
Much like on Earth, the people of Threr love their music.
They have pop singers who pack out stadiums.
They seem to have a love of back masking in their music. This is when something is recorded in reverse on a track and it can only be heard properly if you play the music backwards. A famous Threrrian rock group named Neeq are a famous example of this with their song “Start to Smoke Marijuana.” If you play it in reverse you will get the bizarre phrase “Another one bites the dust”. Perhaps a warning against the abuse of drugs?
Your chance to further the kingdom of God!
It’s been three years now and you’ve all been blessed by my words of wisdom… or should I say the words of wisdom given to me by the one true god, the one that my particular brand of Christianity worships.
However, every ministry requires funds, so I am taking this opportunity on our 3rd anniversary to appeal to people for funds to go towards Pastor Jakes ministry so that I can buy a fleet of jets… I… I mean so that I can continue my good work as a disciple of the lord Jesus Christ.
Please empty out your bank accounts and your life savings and send your cheques to me at Pastor Jake’s Ministries, care of Reckersworld. You will be furthering the kingdom of God big time and he will be sure to bless you greatly after you die.
If you do not send in money you will be robbing God and he will be very very angry with you.
Donate funds now!
Editor's note: Pastor Jake is currently unable to answer any letters as he has been out cold thanks to drinking too much whisky at the staff 3rd anniversary party.
In this regular feature,
Aunty Lil reviews a famous movie from the past.
I figured it was time to watch some true family entertainment and this one caught my eye so I have decided to watch it. In fact I have decided to review it as I watch this...
Mmmmmm....OHHHHHHH! Oh this is a great movie. OoooohhhhhhHHHHH! Ok, ok, you can go now, let me watch this in peace thank you very much...
Editors note: Uncle Tuck has not responded to any of his letters this edition. In fact he hasn't been into the UBBA Magazine offices for two weeks now, even for the 3rd anniversary celebrations... unusual for him considering he'll be anywhere in a flash when food is involved. We think he might have been abducted or perhaps even murdered by the paper bag guy he keeps giving bad advice too. Oh well, never mind. We hope no one suffers any inconvenience due to his absence.
"Oh hell, more reruns of Friends? Please God, NO! Even I've had enough."
This month's pick is from the original Mob from TAC novel, where Mav talks about the meaning of life…
‘Life.’ Mav surveyed the rest of his sausage. ‘It’s a bit like a sausage, you know?’
He held the remnants of his sausage up in the air and smirked. ‘It’s like looking at life. It looks okay, sure, I’m a little burnt from the sun, but the world is fine. Then you look inside the sausage. You look inside yourself.’
He tilted it sideways. ‘You examine your existence and you begin to see all the mushy little things - all the meaty details. You realise that life isn’t such a piece of pie as you thought it was. It’s more like a stew. You see all the horrible brown lumps. Your girlfriend has dumped you. To overcome the sadness, you begin to smoke. Your breath begins to smell like old socks so nobody wants to be your friend. All your loved ones have forsaken you and you start to feel suicidal. You can’t take it any more!’
Mav pretended to sob. ‘Like this sausage, the world eats you up! It seems that all the smoke in the world has engulfed your entire being! The burning searing grill of your life is making your life a blistering misery! You fall into the fire and your life becomes so charred that you don’t even recognise yourself. It all becomes too much for you and you cannot go on!’
He picked up his coffee in his free hand and studied it for a few seconds before continuing in a calmer tone of voice. ‘Life is hard and all you’ve got to show for yourself is a really bad taste in your mouth. There’s nothing more that you can do. You’re at the stage where you just have to admit... That Nescafe is a bloody good cup of coffee!’
This book can be downloaded for free at Smashwords
Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.
All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2018