GAME OF THRONES SHOCKER!
NO MAJOR CHARACTERS TO BE KILLED OFF NEXT SEASON...
BILLY T JAMES TURNS UP AT HANGI!
"I just popped in for some kai, Bro!"
HOMER SIMPSON TO RUN FOR US PRESIDENT!
JOHN KEY SHOCK REVELATION!
'I'm really an alien from a planet near Beetlejuice.'
Oxygen - Cause of most fatal diseases today!
Totally boring article which you probably couldn't be bothered reading so we didn't publish it.
Welcome to the new online version of UBBA MAGAZINE. I'm Rex Cassidy and as the benefactor of this online magazine, I’ve been called upon to do an introduction for each edition, so here we go with my first one.
UBBA Magazine, as you know, was, a sensation in the early 90s, but one day the UBBA Magazine staff, after having made millions and millions of dollars over it, decided they’d had enough and called it quits. They figured it was time that people went out and created their own entertainment, but then what happened? The Internet came along, as well as the Play Station and then we soon found ourselves in a world where we all needed to be entertained again.
If you happen to have one of those original copies of UBBA Magazine, well then you are very fortunate as they are so popular and an original copy would be worth thousands today. But, we here at UBBA Magazine aren’t worried about making a profit. In fact, we’re putting UBBA Magazine on the Internet for free!
Just because the magazine is free, don’t think that the quality of our articles will be going down hill. Oh no, we will make every effort to bring you informative as well as hilarious material. We even have some of our old correspondents still with us including the great Colin Hewgill, who was our celebrity interviewer back in the 90s. He is back and he even managed to score himself an interview with real estate mogul and presidential wannabe, Donald Trump. Colin hasn’t changed though and will be as scathing as he always was. Even the royal family were unable to escape his scornful criticism and it will be no different for the man with the silly haircut.
Colin is not our only interviewer this time around though. My gorgeous wife, Vanessa Dante will also be doing the occasional interview and when both of them are busy, we will bring you classic interviews from the archives.
UBBA Magazine would not be complete without input from the man whose catch phrase is the title of this very magazine. Tucker Pyles, that rotund pile of flab and insanity has once again scored himself a role on the writing team. He will be starting this magazine with his catch phrase “UBBA” (while his brother Dufus does the final UBBA) and will also be writing a cooking column. However, Tucker has refused to use a word processor and is insisting he gets to use the old electronic typewriter he used back in the 90s. Therefore, his writings will be scanned and put into the magazine, in precisely the way Tucker typed it, without any editing, spelling or grammar checking. No matter what, I’m sure you will agree, that Tucker is definitely the expert when it comes to the kitchen. Well he knows the best ways of eating things that’s for sure. Good luck on making head or tale of his ramblings.
Tucker’s very own mother is back with more parenting advice. I’m still scratching my head as to why UBBA Magazine even hired the old battle axe in the first place, let alone brought her back for the online version. The fact that she managed to raise sons like the Pyles Twins; Tucker and Dufus, makes me wonder whether she’s a fit person to be giving anyone parenting advice. Bu there we are, she’s back and claiming to be the world’s perfect parent.
New to UBBA Magazine is Pastor Jake, a true Christian and a supposed spokesman from God. He will be preaching his own mini sermon each week and will be answering readers’ questions on anything relating to the good book. I actually objected to his column being included, as I believe UBBA Magazine should remain free from any religious garbage. After all, the Recker’s World website already has a section dedicated to religion. However, the publishing team have insisted that Pastor Jake be included on the writing team. I could threaten to withdraw my financial backing, but that would mean no more UBBA Magazine, which would be a complete travesty if you ask me.
As well as regular columns from some of the best writers, we also have a special section dedicated to the writings of the man who runs this website, Recker himself. He has written some amazing potential best sellers and each week our editor, Vicki Ashby will be selecting a passage from one of Recker’s novels to appear in UBBA Magazine, so that you can get a taste of his writing genius.
Well, the last thing you want to hear from me is rambling, so how about we just get onto the fun stuff. But first, Tucker himself must get the ball rolling with…
These are a sample of letters we got from readers back in the early 90s when UBBA Magazine was first published...
Just writing to say what a brilliant magazine you put out. UBBA Magazine is so funny & informative. I only wish it would come out more often
Douglas Adams (author)
Brilliant magazine. Can’t put it down till I’ve read it from cover to cover. Enthralling stuff. The funniest magazine out.
The writers of UBBA Magazine are pure genius. I’m amazed at the incredible stuff they come out with. Can’t wait for the next edition
President Bill Clinton
There's always a copy of UBBA Magazine in each room of the palace. The day is never complete unless an article is read from it every evening. We've had to buy extra copies because the maids and other hired help are always taking them home and not returning them.
It’s turned my life around. I’m not depressed any more. Reading UBBA Magazine makes my life worth living.
Marvin the Paranoid Android.
Down a black hole somewhere
These are just a few of the letters we have had in the past, raving about the excellence of UBBA Magazine. Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.
If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.
the administrator of Recker’s World
Interviewer = Colin Hewgill
Colin: For this edition of UBBA Magazine, I get to interview a guy who’s made a few dollars in the real estate business. In recent years, he’s become better known in the area of Reality TV. In fact, he’s the host of my favourite reality show of all time, Hell’s Kitchen!
Trump: Wait… That’s not my show. You’re getting me mixed up with Gordon Rams…
Colin: Oh sorry about that. You were actually one of the finalists on the Biggest Loser, right?
Trump: I’ve NEVER been on the Biggest Loser!
Colin: Well looking at that ludicrous haircut of yours I’m most surprised. I’ve seen some really bizarre ones in my time, but yours takes the cake. I’m amazed with your money you haven’t got yourself a decent hairstylist.
Trump: I like my hair as it is.
Colin: No accounting for some people’s taste I guess. I’ve heard it’s become one of the more popular Halloween hairdos this year. You must be really proud about that.
Trump: Actually, I’m not at all impressed about that. I don’t really see what the problem is, at least my hair is natural and let’s face it, I’m not as young as I used to be. I can’t believe you don’t know who I am. I thought you said you were a fan of my show?
Colin: I said you were the host of my favourite reality show.
Trump: Yeah, that’s what you said!
Colin: I NEVER WATCH reality shows. So saying it’s my favourite isn’t saying much. It’s like saying, “This is the best cup of coffee I’ve had all day” when it’s the ONLY one I’ve had. Got it Buckweed?
Trump: My name’s not Buckweed. It’s Trump and I expect you to call me MR Trump.
Colin: Who do you think you are? I don’t call anybody Mister. What, do you think you’re still on your reality show or something? Well wrong, dirt bag. Get out of your fantasy world, Tramp! The REALITY of the situation is that you’re being interviewed by ME and I’M the one who gets the respect around here, you got that?
Trump: Look, I didn’t come here to be intimidated!
Colin: Well I didn’t agree to interview some ass hole who has delusions of grandeur!
Trump: Delusions of grandeur? Are you kidding me? I’m a successful business man. I’m a multi millionaire!
Colin: Millionaire? Is that all? Petty pennies. Look, Buckweed, I don’t care whether you own a sky scraper in the Middle of New York, I’m the man in charge, you got that, Tramp?
Trump: Hey, I thought we were here to talk about my political views, not which reality TV show I was on.
Colin: Well what TV show was it? Perhaps it was some spin on Survivor… One about who can survive and keep their hair looking good? I bet you got eliminated early. Or maybe it’s the Biggest Loser when it comes to hair growth. You’d still be in with a chance there. Or...
Trump: It’s the APPRENTICE!
Colin: Oh wait! That show. Oh that’s the one with that really hot blonde with the nice ass…The one who is sometimes in the boardroom asking questions. What’s her name?
Colin: Oh yeah, man she’s a major babe. I wouldn’t mind getting a piece of that, I tell you.
Trump: She’s my DAUGHTER!
Colin: What? How did you manage that? Oh, must be the mother that had the looks then. Any chance of hooking me up with a date with her? Ivanka I mean.?
Trump: She’s MARRIED!
Colin: No problem there, I don’t mind.
Trump: Well I MIND! I’m not going to have you talk about my daughter like that!
Colin: Oh, chill out, you old bastard. I happen to know for a fact that my friends Rex and Vanessa have partied with her a few times and they told me she’s willing to let her hair down.
Trump: That’s slander! I could sue you for saying things like that!
Colin: What are you talking about? It’s not slander, it’s the truth! Geeze, you need to lighten up a bit, Tramp. Get over yourself.
Trump: I have a good mind to cut this interview short right now.
Colin: It’s me that’s considering cutting this interview short! You need to know, Buckweed, that I don’t take kindly to threats. I didn’t agree to this interview just so you could try throwing your weight around. People like you soon find themselves at the hard end of my fist!
Trump: Now who’s making threats?
Colin: Why don’t you just stop pissing me off and start answering some questions?
Trump: Why don’t you ask some?
Colin: That’s two questions you’ve asked just now. Who’s the one being interviewed here? This isn’t some job interview you know. I’m not trying out to be the apprentice for one of your restaurants!
Trump: I already told you I’m not Gordon Ramsey, I don’t do restaurants!
Colin: Well what do you do then? Sit around picking your nose?
Trump: I’m a real estate developer! And currently running for president of the USA. In fact, I’d really like it if we could keep to a political discussion please.
Colin: Politics? Are you kidding me? Why would I want to talk about boring shit like that? This is for UBBA Magazine, not Time Magazine! Sheesh! Actually I’m more interested in some of the celebrities you’ve had on the Apprentice. Like Hope Dworaczyk and Dayana Mendoza. Man are they hot. Up there alongside your daughter for sure, bud. Imagine having a private party with them. So did you, Trumpy? How much did you have to pay them?
Trump: I’m a professional and I wouldn’t pay any… This is ridiculous! I didn’t come here to get ridiculed and slandered. I was led to believe that this was an opportunity to talk about my political aspirations!
Colin: You really are one deluded piece of crap, aren’t you, Trampy? Why on Earth would you ever think you had any chance of becoming President? That would be like Biff Tannen on the movie “Back to the Future” becoming elected and boy oh boy, don’t you two seem a lot alike?
Trump: Look, butthead, I’ve had all I’m going to take from…
Colin: Who are you calling butthead, butthead?
Trump: That’s it. I’m gonna make like a tree and get out of he…
Colin: Look your shoe’s untied!
Trump: Huh? What…?
Colin: Don’t be so gullible, McTrump. Now scram! I don’t want to see you in here again, you hear me?
Trump: You haven’t heard the last of this! My lawyers will be in touch… TOMORROW!
Colin: Not too early, I sleep in Thursdays.
Click to enlarge the following article
Lazy Video Gamers
By Vanessa Dante.
I enjoy playing video games every now and then. Who doesn’t? I could easily while away a few hours on a really cool Play Station game. In fact, my darling Rexy and I sometimes join forces and we rampage through dungeons, slaying monsters and looting treasure chests.
Another thing I like to do is get on Facebook and play Mafia Wars. Do missions, fight battles, gain experience. What I don’t understand though is why people spend so much time on it. There are people in my rivals list who seem to be on there EVERY time I play and there levels are so ridiculously high I can only presume they play 24 hours a day. Don’t they have a life? Is that all they can do, just sit there and click on the same button over and over, doing the same task over and over. I guess that’s why some people call it “Mafia Chores”. For me a few minutes is enough.
Perhaps there are some players who use automated programs to play for them, but what’s the point in that? Surely there’s no fun in having a computer play your computer game for you? Maybe I could make a fortune by starting up my own software company that creates programs like that. Can you imagine the advertising gimmick?
“Tired of playing the same old repetitious computer games? Is that really tricky bit driving you nuts? Is your Pacman always getting eaten by ghosts? Are you always getting killed by the cops in Grand Theft Auto?
Well here is the answer! This new computer program by Dante Gaming Solutions is just the thing for you! No longer do you have to deal with repetitious missions. No longer do you have to get so enraged that you throw your gaming controller through your TV screen. Just get a hold of “AutoGamer!” the new program that plays the game for you!
Just imagine all the time you will have on your hands now. Imagine all the work you could get done… the time you could spend with your loved ones… time spent actually doing something constructive! Yes, get your copy of “AutoGamer” right now and never have to worry about all that wasted life ever again!”
You can tell I’m not a great fan of sitting around for too long in front of a television. I like to keep fit and active, plus I like to keep hot and sexy for my man… and our lady friends too. He he he, so I have to be very careful I don’t let a game hook me too strongly.
One game that I really had trouble breaking away from was Grand Theft Auto V. What a fantastic game, although there were some missions in that I really struggled with. That’s where my idea for “AutoGamer” would have come in handy. In fact, I had so much trouble, I decided to get on line and get some hints.
It was there that I saw some comments from some real hard-core GTA gamers talking about the taxi cab system in GTA-V. One guy was saying how he often used a taxi to “teleport” from point A to point B in the game super-fast, thus he was able to cut out all the time spent driving there in a car. Another guy hassled him about that and called him lazy! What? Yes, Lazy! To him, doing the shortcut by catching a cab was considered lazy, as opposed to spending 5 or 10 minutes driving to the location on the GTA map himself.
I really want to shake that guy. I wanted to say to him, ‘Let me get this straight. EVERY time you need to get somewhere in GTA, you drive to the location yourself. You never do the Taxi Cab short cut. So you spend hours and hours of additional time sitting in front of your TV, in an easy chair, driving around in a make-believe car, through make believe roads and you don’t consider that lazy?’
As soon as I thought that, I got up and turned off the Play Station. If that is the mentality of gamers today, I don’t want to be part of it!
Another thing that makes little sense to me is RPGers who spend hundreds of hours playing their games. They do battle after battle, killing monsters, so that they can gain extra experience and stronger weapons so they can kill even stronger monsters so they can gain more experience and stronger weapons so that they can kill… well you get the picture. I don’t know about you, but to me there is definitely something wrong with the logic in that.
My friend, Joe told me, ‘I get my guys so strong so that I can beat the final boss in two hits!’
I replied, ‘So let me get this straight. You spend hundreds of hours fighting monsters and levelling up, crafting super weapons, just so that you can spend 15 minutes less fighting the final boss?’
‘How non-lazy of you.’
Hi! I'm Abbot Green. People call me Rabbit. I'll be doing a monthly article on gardening, one of my favourite pass times. I actually wanted to do a continuing series on caring for & growing parsnips but the editor wanted me to do short and varied articles, so I'm doing them on Gardening.
The topic I'm covering this issue is on growing carrots. Carrots are probably the most popular of vegetables and are definitely the most tasty. The first carrot was introduced to New Zealand back in….
Editors note=ARTICLE ABORTED
The Publishers have decided that Abbot Green’s monthly articles on gardening will not be going ahead. Sorry for the inconvenience to those readers who had to suffer the trauma of reading the first two paragraphs....
So you want some handy tips on fishing huh? Well you out of luck. I know bugger all about fishing. All I know that its nice to do beside a river on a lazy Sunday afternoon or out on the ocean in you boat at 6 am in the morning.
One thing I can tell you about fishing though is that you get a great feed afterwards! What you can do is grab a few bucks chips at the local takeaways & cook up a good feed of fish on you barbeque. Of course only after you’ve caught the fish yourself. Maybe you could have the barbeque on the beach, who knows.
One thing you don’t do when going fishing is take your dog. One time I took my dog & the flippen mongrel grabbed the fish out of my chilly bin while I wasn't looking and scoffed the lot. Lucky he didn't choke himself on the bones!
But anyway, until next month happy fishing, and PS Drink a few tinnies for me while your fishing OK?
SPOT THE MISTAKES!
There are ten deliberate mistakes in this image. What are they?
Click here for answers.
Thou shalt NOT preach the gospel
As a godly man, I, Pastor Jake, follow the bible religiously. As far as I’m concerned, it is the infallible word of God. Anyone who doesn’t think so is clearly a fool as no mere humans could have possibly written such divine writings. For instance, science would have us believe that bats are mammals, yet the bible tells us quite clearly they are birds. Science would tell us that there is no such thing as cockatrices and satyrs, that they are mythical creatures, but the bible tells us these creatures really did exist at one stage. The bible tells us that the world is flat, so any belief that it’s spherical is clearly an illusion. It also tells us that the stars are simply part of the firmament that covers this planet like a tent. Do not let so-called intelligent people fool you. The bible is ALWAYS right, brothers and sisters, whether you want to believe it or not.
Because I take the bible so seriously I must tell you something, brothers and sisters, that Christians have been blatantly doing wrong and that is preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is better that we NOT go out and preach the gospel at all. In fact, brothers and sisters, I would go as far as to say it is cruel and even evil to go out and preach the gospel. YES! It’s true!
Ask any Christian you know… ‘What happens to all those people who have never heard the gospel, like people living in deepest darkest Africa? What about those pre-Christian people in the past who never heard it? Do they go to Hell? What about those who are mentally handicapped and are unable to understand? What about small children under the age of understanding?’
If, my brothers and sisters, you are a loving caring Christian as I am, you will reply, ‘God is merciful and loving. He would not send them to Hell if they didn't know or did not understand.’ That does not necessarily mean they go to Heaven, but it certainly means they won't go to Hell.
So would it not then, my brothers and sisters, be better to let people remain in ignorance? To never preach the gospel? Of course yes! One should never tell anyone about the lord Jesus Christ for the simple reason that if they hear and they reject it, they will end up in Hell. Your children should be the last people you EVER teach about Jesus, because what if that child later rejects these beliefs and goes to Hell to suffer in agony for all eternity? How are you going to enjoy Heaven knowing they are writhing in total agony? Surely, it would be better to have them miss out on Heaven and a relationship with God, than have them risk eternal hellfire?
‘But Pastor Jake’, you say, ‘The bible says go out and preach the gospel’ (Mark 16:15) Yes, Jesus gave that command, but people were more likely to believe that stuff back then. Not anymore. Preaching about Jesus in this day and age is NOT good news, especially to those who reject that news and MOST will do just that. Surely, brothers and sisters, the kindest thing a Christian can do is keep those people in ignorance, by just not evangelising. Perhaps it is kinder to keep this horrible message of the gospel to yourselves, lest that message be rejected and the rejecter ends up being roasted alive for all eternity?
PS: Please send in any letters you may have relating to Christianity and the bible. I, Pastor Jake, am Holy Spook filled and am a spokesperson for the almighty himself. You can be sure to get answers to even your trickiest of questions.
Hello everybody, I know that there has been such a big demand for this column to be started, so it was only right that it should be me who writes it, after all I am a mother of five and I have to admit I am an amazing mother.
For years many people have asked me, how do you do it? How can you be so successful when so many parents have failed? Well I intend to impart some of my wealth of knowledge on the subject, in this monthly column.
When my oldest son Tucker heard that I was doing this column, he was over the moon. He was so happy that I was doing it. He said to me, ‘Mum, you're the best mother in the world. You have done nothing wrong, and hopefully I will be the perfect parent, just like you.’
One of the rewards of good parenting is the undying love and respect that you get from your kids. They will always be willing to give up their lives for you, to make up for all the years of love and attention you have given them.
Just recently I suggested to Tucker that I move to live with him and he was absolutely thrilled! He says that he can't wait till I move in. That's the sort of great response that you get from your kids if you are as great a parent as I am.
He needn't think that he's going to get it easy though. I won't be doing all his house work for him, I won't be bathing him, or wiping his backside for him like I did before he went out into the big wide world on his own. He'll be cooking all his own meals, doing his own washing. Because he loves me so much, I'm sure that he will insist on doing all those things for me!
Strict discipline must be maintained though. You must have curfews. Tucker will have to be home by 9pm every night. No girls allowed in the house at all. Dates will be chaperoned by yours truly. No snacks between meals. I'll eat all of them. Any form of misbehaviour or rebellion will be dealt with severely. Even though he may be 45 years old, he’s still my little boy and still in need of discipline.
A good strapping always does the trick, no matter what the age. I first strapped Tucker the day he was born when the dirty little brat soiled his nappy! Well that's not true, I actually gave him a spanking, after all using a leather belt on a baby is considered abuse these days. I strapped him for the first time when he was two, but regardless, disgusting and lewd behaviour must not be tolerated! I cannot stress the point enough. Discipline is the most important part of parenting. Don't let them get away with anything. They will thank you for it in the long run.
But anyway, in future editions we will look at many different tips on parenting. But unfortunately, that's all we have time for this month. I look forward to seeing you next month.
Love Aunty Lil
A monthly column where readers send in letters with personal problems to solve. Our psychological expert Will Ulman (Alias Wal) has the answers and will gladly give his advice free. Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Wal will give sensitive,caring advice to help you solve it.
Nobody understands me. Everything I do seems to be taken the wrong way. People always get offended. I'm for ever getting criticized because I seem to put my foot in my mouth. What should I do?
What the hell are you talking about? Are you trying to tell me that people think you are a nutter? Buck up your ideas and get a life! Get your act together. You’re obviously the one who misunderstands people!
Everywhere I go people ignore me. Everything I do, people take no notice. What’s wrong with me? Its almost as if I wasn’t alive!
I have two girlfriends and neither of them know about the other. I’m afraid that sooner or later one of thems going to find out & I'll have real problems. What should I do?
Woah! Count your lucky stars mate. If I had two girls after me, I wouldn’t be complaining.
I’m a very lonely guy and I just cant seem to find a girlfriend. All girls seem to hate me. It must be because I’m so ugly and have a real acne problem. How do I get a girlfriend?
You either have it or you don’t mate. Unless you get plastic surgery or something you probably wont have much luck. The only other thing I can suggest is that you wear a paper bag over your head. It works for Abbot Green,
I’m the coolest guy in the world. The Brainiest, strongest and the toughest. I’m also the greatest looking guy around, even better looking than my identical twin brother, Dufus. Over all I’m one Ubbery guy. As well as being brilliant at sports. The only problem is that people wont believe me. Its just not very ubbery. Every one’s blind to just how fantastic and ubbery I am . How can I make them realise this?
Ubbery Anonymous Intelligent Macho Brilliant Model.
Well Tucker, For a start the reason people don’t realise it is that its all total bollocks. Really your just a retarded bloated prat who has delusions of being great, or ubbery as you put it. Really you’re just a nobody and the sooner you stop fooling yourself, the sooner I can get on to answering more intelligent letters.
My boss at work is a fascist pig. He’s always pushing me around and giving me all the dirty jobs to do. I’m getting so sick of it, but I’m afraid if I stand up to him I may lose my job. What do I Do?
Jerks like your boss need a good smack in the face! My advice to you is to bop him one right in the kisser. That'll put him in his place. So what if you get fired, it'd be worth it eh?
I'm in love. There is this one woman at work who I’m nuts over but she just wont seem to take any notice of me. I’m too afraid to ask her out. What do I do Wal?
Love sick chicken
Your talking to an expert on how to pick up members of the fairer sex here. Take your Uncle Wal’s advice. Don’t fart around. Go in for the kill. Tell her that she’s the girl for you. Grab her and kiss her on the lips. Works every time. I can’t say I ever experience fear, but you’ve got to ignore it. Tell it to shuttup and you'll be right
mate. No worries!
Brought to you by Mad Dave Harris
You can't consider people to be special projects, or works in progress. Take them for who they are, or not at all.
Yeah, that’s right I’m just giving you good sensible advice useful for anyone. What, did you expect to get? Some kind of special advice only for people born under your star sign? If I did, would that help you with your gullibility?
Your lucky lotto numbers are 5 16 22 23 30 38 & 40. You will definitely win the big one if you use these numbers. If you don’t, well don’t blame me, I’m just telling you what the stars are saying.
Don’t smoke any more fags. Killing homosexuals is not acceptable these days. Remember we’re not operating under bible laws anymore.
Don’t listen to any of this bull or you’re a bigger cow than I thought you were
Answer to question 19 of your next maths exam: 42
Enthusiasm alone is not going to help you get everything done that you need to get done. You still have to get off your ass and do something.
Your already dead by the time you read this so there’s no point in writing anything for you,
Instead of reading this damn harriscope, how about going out and doing something constructive?
Geminis are known to be very paranoid people who think that everyone is out to get them. My advice to you is to stay inside today and you don’t want to risk going out. You never know who might be hiding around the corner ready to attack you.
I don't like Leo’s so stuff you!!!‘
There’s not much point in doing a harriscope for you, because you don’t believe in this stuff anyway.
The fragrance of romance is definitely in the air... or did some one just drop their guts??
Sharon Osbourne ponders how it is that her husband could have gone from Prince of Darkness to doddery old fart so quickly.
'Those cruel producers. They're gonna make me drive a crappy Holden.'
'Whatever you do, don't pan the camera down. We don't want to see what they're doing with their bananas.'
I hope nobody noticed
I let one rip just now.
'What? You mean there really is someone who thinks I'm a good actor??'
It's a new year at Te Aroha College and two High Schools merge into one, bringing with it new friendships for many, as well as new rivalries and enemies. New student Tucker Pyles terrorises the school, while plain Jane, Chelsea Brown attempts to get in with the popular girls, while oddball Rick Maverick is just trying to fit in. Peer pressure comes in the form of alcohol, cigarettes and sex. But who is the mysterious Rex Cassidy, who was expelled from his previous school and is about to make his mark on TAC? Will that be a good thing, or more trouble for the Mob from TAC?
Mr Knot began to call the roll in a formal tone of voice and each student answered when called. He then checked his watch. ‘The new boy was supposed to be here this period. I don’t see why he should be late. I met him briefly in the principal’s office this morning.’
‘What’s his name?’ one of the girls asked.
‘Cassidy.’ A voice emanated from the doorway.
Everybody turned their attention to the door to see a tall, smiling, powerfully built teen leaning against the doorway. For a moment, there was silence. Everybody stared at him stunned, not because he was late for class, nor because he was acting so casual about it, but because of his sheer presence. Chelsea couldn’t help but marvel. His bright blue eyes sparkled and his smile was extremely alluring. He also had an impressive tall physique with his muscular arms, chest and legs. She could only sum him up as drop-dead gorgeous. It was almost impossible to shake her gaze, but when she did, she noticed all the other girls staring at him the way she had.
‘Rex!’ Mr Knot snorted. ‘Why are you late?’
‘Late? Me late?’ Rex moseyed on into the class.
‘Ten minutes late!’
‘Ten minutes? Ah, but what is time Mr Nut? Isn’t time really just a figment of our imagination?’
‘The name’s Knot. Not Nut!’
‘Mr Notnut. Sorry about that.’
Chelsea tried not to laugh. Muffled laughter came from the students, many trying their best to hold it back. Chelsea couldn’t help but think this boy must sure have some nerve to talk like that to a teacher, particularly a tenacious one like Mr Knot. Then again, perhaps it was simply ignorance. He had no idea what this teacher would tolerate.
Mr Knot frowned deeply. ‘Look you, I’m not going to put up with any of your nonsense. There are rules in this school about turning up to class on time. I expect you to adhere to them.’
‘Well, in that case, we can’t have me being late then, can we?’
With that, Rex took a stool and used it to get up to the classroom clock. Mr Knot’s jaw dropped as he reached up and adjusted the time of the clock by turning it back ten minutes. ‘There,’ Rex smiled and climbed back down. ‘I’m right on time.’
Mr Knot’s nostrils flared and he breathed heavily. Chelsea scanned the class. All the girls’ eyes were fixed on Rex as he chose a seat. Even when Mr Knot began to speak, the girls continued to gaze at Rex. Holly’s gaze, in particular, was transfixed.
‘Excuse me!’ Mr Knot rapped on his desk loudly. ‘I would like all attention over here please. There’s plenty of time for you girls to ogle the new boy after class.’
All eyes diverted back to Mr Knot, but not for long. Knot decided to get right down to business and started to talk about the theory of evolution, and one by one, eyes began to return to Rex - Chelsea’s included.
Rex seemed to be lapping it up, delivering smiles to many of the girls and getting big ones in return. He didn’t even glance Chelsea’s way, but that was ok, she was used to being overlooked.
Mr Knot fumed at the lack of attention to his lesson, but he kept on talking. Chelsea noticed that Rex had ceased exchanging smiles with the other girls and his attention was now on Mr Knot and his eyes seemed glazed over. He started drumming his fingers lightly on the desk.
After a few seconds of that, he spoke so the entire class could hear. ‘Do we really have to learn this stuff?’
‘What?’ Mr Knot stared at Rex.
Rex quit this drumming and leaned nonchalantly back in his chair. 'It may not be the case for you, but exactly what benefit will this have when we're out there searching for a job? I can just imagine handing over my CV and my potential boss saying, "Well, Mr Cassidy, I see you have some great customer services experience having worked in McDonalds for twenty years, but I don't think your degree in natural selection or your expertise on dark matter is really what we're looking for. Oh, but I hear there's an opening at Te Arawa College for a new Biology teacher. Maybe you should try there?"'
Chelsea couldn’t help but laugh at the put on voice he used for his potential employer. Her classmates were equally as amused, snickering and cackling away. The dumbfounded look on Mr Knot’s face made Chelsea want to laugh even more.
Mr Knot straightened up. ‘Well, it is in the Biology curriculum and so we have to learn it.’
‘The school should get their act together and remove it from the syllabus. Anyone would think that the curriculum had been designed by a bunch of monkeys.’
Knot had a wry smile on his face. ‘Well, in a sense it is.’
'Shame on you, shame on you, Mr Nut. Evolutionists have been trying to drum it in it for a long time now that humans are not evolved from monkeys, but just share a common ancestry.'
Chelsea marvelled at his words. He was very smart. Intelligent as well as gorgeous. He was beginning to look very dreamy indeed.
Mr Knot delivered an uncharacteristic smirk. 'Well, Rex, it's great to see you know something about this.'
'Yeah, well, I filed it away under useless information that I will never need to use unless I'm debating with a creationist.' Rex smiled wryly.
‘I take it you don't subscribe to Intelligent Design either?'
'Intelligent Design? No. It’s more like incompetent or even malevolent design if you ask me.'
'Well we won't go there.'
'But we will continue on with our current topic without any further interruptions from you. I’m not going to have you come into this class and disrupt it. You may have been able to get away with it at your old school, but not here. If you’re not careful, I just might assign you an essay to write on the subject.’
‘Sure, why not? I’ll leave a sheet of paper on a desk and let the words evolve themselves, shall I?’
They class burst out laughing again.
Mr Knot’s face turned sour and wrinkles spread across his brow.
Rex continued, 'Oh, but if you don't want to wait a million years for that to happen, how about we just say that a miracle occurred and the words just appeared there out of thin air. Oh and that the ink is undetectable, which is why you can't actually see it. Yeah, I think that will keep the creationists happy.'
‘That’s enough!’ Knot snarled, his face turning red. ‘Detention. Lunch time!’
‘We’ll have to see, won’t we?’ Rex said with a smirk.
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘Well, with the laws of natural selection, I may just evolve some new immunity or ability to avoid detentions. Either that or God will come to me in a vision and tell me that I no longer need to attend.'
If you wish to read the entire Mob from TAC it is available for download right on Smashwords. Click here.
Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.
All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2015