SYLVESTER STALLONE QUITS ACTING! TAKES UP TAP DANCING!
"That and ballet were always my true passions."
SCANDALS, SCANDALS AND MORE SCANDALS
THE MOST INCREDIBLE ARTICLE EVER WRITTEN!!
NUCLEAR WAR IN RUSSIA!
Led Zeppelin shocker! Stairway to Heaven really written by Billy Graham!
Something just to fill in a gap on the front cover!
David Letterman cracks FUNNY JOKE!
Article which nobody could be bothered writing so we never published it.
Welcome to Edition 5 of UBBA Magazine. The popularity is through the roof and we’ve even had to upgrade the website to deal with the massive Internet traffic we have going through here! I bet you can’t wait to read the most incredible article ever written, yes we have it in this edition. Which one is it you ask? Well I’ll tell you this, it isn’t Tucker Pyles article, as Tucker seems to think. I'll leave you to guess which one it is.
Once again we've seen how gullible you readers are. Last edition I said that somewhere in the magazine, we would print the word “Gallbladder” and if you wrote in to tell us which article contained it, you'd win quite a pretty sum of dollero's. We had heaps of emails coming in telling us that the word wasn't printed at all. Well eejits, I'm afraid that it was. It was printed in the HTML code in Hew’s Interviews, so there! As no one was able to figure that one out, nobody won the dosh. Tough shit assclowns! Ha Ha Ha!
UBBA Magazine has decided to make a stand. The last edition was completely ruined by Tucker Pyles and all his ridiculous UBBAs throughout. It made the publishers look stupid. After orders from me, the publishers have decided to scrap all additional UBBA’s. There will only be two: A first UBBA and a Final UBBA. So as to save arguments between Dufus and Tucker Pyles, they will each, get to do one of them each edition and alternate every edition from then on. Now we shouldn’t have any more problems with the Pyles twins. We'd better not anyway, or I’ll he dealing with the problem myself... well my fists will be.
Because we’re a lazy bunch here at UBBA Magazine and tend to take time off whenever we like and tough shit to the publisher… once again our celebrity interview will be one from the archives. It took place in 1993 when Colin Hewgill interviewed the man who has been on the cover of the last two editions of UBBA Magazine. That’s right, Whacko Jacko. Michael actually slammed an injunction on UBBA Magazine when the Internet came along to stop them from publishing the interview online, because it had embarrassed Michael completely. When UBBA Magazine decided to resurrect itself last year, we decided to get our lawyers onto it and lift that injunction. Our lawyers were successful and now that interview is available in all its glory for you to read in the first time in over 20 years. Enjoy!
In case you’re wondering, yes Colin Hewgill did indeed slack off this time around. He was meant to be interviewing Russell Crowe. It just so happens that “Noah” was the last Crowe movie Colin saw and because it was so bad, he refused to interview him. ‘No way am I interviewing anyone from that turkey… well accept for Jennifer Connelly. She can act in any bad movies she likes.’ As no one else could be bothered interviewing Russell, we told him so. He was pretty upset about that, but that’s just tough shit.
Also taking a break this edition, is Badkitty's Crankshaft and Crome Care Car Corner. Why? Well that's none of your bloody business! We here at UBBA Magazine can do what we like and if we can't be bothered to write for you, well then that's just tough shit for you. It may be that our US correspondent, Badkitty may not want to give you anymore advice and if that's the case, then you will just have to live with it. But don't get too upset. She will be bringing us Part 2 of her "romantic" tale of Abiliene and Winston this edition... as well as her views on the current spate of Pop star deaths. Check it out.
Anyway, enough from me. I now direct your eyes over to a big bellied slob… Dufus Pyles, for the First UBBA. Catch you next time!
It’s not very ubbery at all. I thought the last edition of UBBA Magazine was very very ubbery, apart from my cooking column not being first in the magazine. I also thought it was ubbery that I was allowed to have UBBAs throughout the magazine. Hell I was most pissed off about my last UBBA, which Dufus Pyles rudely interrupted with an UBBA of his own, which wasn‘t even a proper UBBA. And also the extra one I did after that! I am really pissed off this time because UBBA Magazine are not allowing me to do extra UBBAs. This is a violation of my rights! I am not getting a fair deal at all! I demand an explanation!
Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)
I am a Leo and it constantly amazes me why Mad Dave hates us so much. what has he got against Leo‘s and why does he always give us a bad Harriscope?
Princess Stephanie Monaco
(Mad Dave tells us it’s because Tucker Pyles is a Leo)
I wish to object to the way Abbot Green is portrayed in this magazine. Why is it, that just because a guy has bucked teeth that everyone has to joke about the fact that he eats carrots and is obsessed with rabbits? That is a grossly unfair stereotype and something I would only expect from school children. I happen to know Abbot personally and he is a great guy. He is a role model for all buck toothed people. Just look at the wonderful work he does for charity, providing stock piles of carrots from his gardens. He should also be commended for the rabbit breeding sanctuary he currently owns and operates. So please, a little more respect for this man
Dr Shawn Heath (Auckland, NZ)
(Yeeeeerrrrp, ok Doc!)
I also wish to make an objection. I object to the fact that this letter, will be edited to remove all the swear words I have typed. After all, this isn’t a children’s magazine, so why do we need to have to worry about offending every goody-two-shoes out there? It’s not like this magazine is politically correct or anything like that. They wouldn't censor Bad Kitty who writes for this magazine, so why censor me? If I see that this letter has been published without all the expletives and offensive language I have used in it, I am going to sue UBBA Magazine for misquoting me. I mean it!
Kevin “Bleeding” Wilson – Australia
I want to give a word of support for Abbot Green. Every month he writes a different article, and every month I think WOW, this is good stuff, but every month the editors cancel it part way through. Why? I love hearing about vegetables, rabbits and the like. They are most enthralling subjects. His work is brilliant and I beseech you UBBA Magazine, give Abbot Green a proper chance.
Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you.
If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.
Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World
Interviewer: Colin Hewgill
Conducted June 1993 - Michael Jackson
Colin: Hi there matey's. This edition I'm interviewing one of the biggest crack pots in the entertainment industry. He calls himself the king of pop and he really hit the big time with his album Thriller, which I was quite a fan of. Then he came out with Bad, which was also quite a good album, but I had to laugh. Michael Jackson bad? He's about as bad as a guinea pig! At this time, he was going quite potty, doing all sorts of weird things, and having more plastic surgery than a doctor's dummy and then he came out with the album "Dangerous". What a joke! He's as dangerous as a three year old going on a rampage holding a teddy bear and a rattle... well unless you happen to own a teddy bear and a rattle... but we won't go there. Well now we've got him here to tell us about his weird antics and his latest album. Here he is....Wacko Jacko!
Michael: Hello there!
Colin: Is that the best greeting you can do? "Hello There" (in a sgueeky voice) Do you enjoy acting like a total wimp Jacko?’
Michael: I can't do anything about the way l speak.
Colin: Well you can get plastic surgery, surely you can have surgery done to your voice, you twit? Speaking of plastic surgery, you've gone a bit overboard haven’t you? First you looked like a woman, now your whole face is falling apart! I hear that you always wanted to buy the bones of the Elephant man. I tell you what, you won't need them soon. All you'll have to go is look in to the mirror and you'll be able to see an elephant man every day!
Michael: Is there really any need to be so horrible?
Colin: (squeaky voice) "Any need to be so horrible?" Look at yourself, Jackson, you’re a mess! Your whole face is sagging. My God,what were you thinking?
Michael: I thought that we were going to talk about my latest album?
Colin: Shuttup Jacko! I'm holding this interview, so we'll talk about what I want to talk about. By the way, what is the name of your latest album?
Colin: Lethal?? Are you for real??
Michael: You don’t like that title?
Colin: First you were bad... then dangerous... now LETHAL? Look Jacko, you’re deluded! I think you should be more realistic and call it something like “Limp wristed” or “Wuss” or how about just good old “Wacko?”
Michael: I’m not calling it any of those names. Actually I was considering releasing a double album with a compilation of my old hits as well as new songs. So maybe a title that somehow corresponds with what’s in the past as well as the now?
Colin: Just get out of that fantasy world of yours. Get real! Frankly, I think you should just give up this whole thing. You’ll never be as good as you were back in the early 80s. Pack it in, Jacko. You’re HISTORY!
Michael: Mmmmm… History… you know that’s not a bad name for my new album. I could even capitalise the HIS part of it. What do you think?
Colin: Don’t you dare. I don’t want to be the one who inspired the title for your worst album ever! The one that’s going to spell the end of your music career… but then again… I don’t know, it might be a good idea. People can then blame me for your demise. I like that. Speaking of demise, did you ever find that other glove of yours?
Michael: No, it’s still missing.
Colin: Like your brain. I mean what is it with you anyway? You’re so mad about health that you sleep in oxygen chambers and all that sort of crap, but yet you look so frail and sick looking. I even heard that you wear gas masks when little MacCauley Culkin comes around to your place to play snakes and ladders!
Michael: I do not!
Colin: Don't lie to me buckweed! You know I wouldn't let my son go to your place to see you. I'd be worried that he might turn out weird like you!
Wacko Jacko: I am not weird! Just because I have a few eccentricities, you…
Colin: Eccentricities is a total understatement! You’re totally bizarre! Poor McCauley, I feel sorry for the poor brat! What’s gunna happen when he's not a cute little chap any more. What happens in a few years’ time when he starts to grow up, you'll tell him to get lost, just like you did with the Emmanuel Lewis kid who acted on Webster!
The Gloved One: I did not tell Emmanuel to get lost...!
Colin: You might as well have! The poor kid became too old for your liking, so you didn’t want to have anything more to do with him!
Michael: That's unfair I...!
Colin: And what about that stupid old bat Liz Taylor??
Michael: She is not a stupid old bat...!
Colin: You‘d say that too, you’re smitten with the old hag! You wish that you were married to her!
Michael: I do not...!
Colin: You do Buckweed! You even proposed to the old biddy once! And whatabout that ridiculous shrine you've got of her in your house. The one that shows movies of her 24 hours a day, even when nobodies in there, which is most of the time, because her movies are so bad. She's an appalling actress too, goodness knows why so many people have wanted to marry her!
Micky: Liz is a very nice lady.
Colin: She's an old battle axe! You know, I heard that if any of your friends want to come and visit you, they have to sign documents and swear on the bible that they won't tell anybody what they see there, What do you do Wacko? Things too disgusting to mention I'll bet.
Michael: I just don't want people making fun of me. I'm a very private person.
Colin: A very demented person you mean. I don't know why anyone would want to visit you anyway. You'd probably make them sleep in Bubble’s bedroom.
Michael: I have a new chimpanzee now.
Colin: McCauley Culkin?
Michael: No, a real chimpanzee.
Colin: You mean, you sleep in Bubbles bedroom? I'm not surprised really, when God created you, he didn’t think that everybody would start believing in evolution because of it.
Michael: Are you saying that I look like a monkey?
Colin: No, not really, after all monkeys are better looking. You look more like a baboon’s rear actually. Hey I even heard something else recently, when the country was celebrating the 25th anniversary of the moonwalk, I hear that you demanded to be given some kind of an award because of it.
Michael: 1 did not....!
Colin: I'm finishing this interview! Your beginning to make me feel sick Jackson!
Michael: But we haven’t even talked about my latest album yet!
Colin: who cares about your latest album, now sod off buckweed! I've got more important things to do!
Editors Note If there are any Michael Jackson fans out there who were offended by this interview, go get knotted!
Click on cartoon to enlarge
Queen's Honours By Vanessa Dante
I’m thinking that with Queens Birthday coming up next month, that perhaps I might put in an application for a knighthood. I know what you’re thinking. I’m a woman. How can a woman be given a knighthood? Knighthoods are for men. You surely can’t have someone called Sir Vanessa. That just wouldn’t sound right.
I have to admit, it doesn’t sound right at all, although even Dame Vanessa sounds too stuffy for my liking, but I still think that my sex should not count me out for a knighthood. After all, just look at Captain Janeway on Star Trek Voyager. SHE gets called “sir”.
The reason I think a woman should be allowed to be knighted is because anyone these days can be knighted. You don’t have to have been some big war hero. We are living in a day now where even bards can be knights. Just look at Sir Elton John and Sir Cliff Richard!
So if we can knight bards, then we should be able to knight other non-heroic warriors too. Like blacksmiths and brothel owners, after all they perform valuable services to the kingdom. Cooks could be knights too. How about Sir Gordon Ramsey for instance? Priests, vicars, rabbis. They could all be knights. Could you imagine New Zealand’s own Bishop Bryan Tamaki being called Sir Bryan Tamaki instead? I know, it’s a horrible thought isn’t it? But it COULD happen!
To be honest with you, I think it’s all become a bit of a joke. Knighthoods were given to men of valour - brave men who went out and risked their lives for the good of the people. I don’t see any of our modern knights doing anything like that.
I mean Sir Richard Hadlee may be fantastic with a cricket ball, he might be able to bowl out a middle stump with ease and hit a six over top of the stadium walls, but just how effective would he be if you replaced his cricket bat with a sword?
Sir Mark Todd, he might have been one of our top equestrian guys at the Olympic Games a couple of decades ago. But just how great would he be if you put a lance in his hand and put him up against Gregor Clegane from Game of Thrones? I’m guessing neither Hadlee nor Todd would last very long in REAL battle.
Sir Richard Hadlee once said that being a knight wasn’t much different to not being one. It’s just that now, instead of ordering a beer at a bar, he was expected to order a gin and tonic instead. Mmmm, I wonder if it was the same for the knights of old. I wonder if Sir Galahad and Sir Lancelot, when they went in search of Monty Python’s Holy Grail, ever got that fancy?
by Abbot Green
When the publishers heard my idea for this new serial, they were most interested. That's a major relief for me as my last four articles have been utter disasters. They have told me that if I don't come up with a decent series of articles I am in major danger of getting the sack.
This is my last chance, so I have decided to do a series on everyone’s favourite cartoon character Bugs Bunny. Is he an international hero? My next 10 articles will endeavour to see if this is true.
Bugs Bunny has had a major impact on us all. We can look at the surrealisms that underline the metaphors of his life. The simplistic tautologies of Bugs Bunny's external existence hasten to inform us of the dichotomies in our own lives. If we were to examine...
Editors Note =ARTICLE ABORTED
What absolute crap! Our extreme apologies readers, for this absolute load of rabbit shit. When Green told us he was doing his article, we thought that he was going to do one each edition about a different cartoon character, not a whole series of articles on the same one.
A thousand apologies to you all. We can’t say how sorry we are about the incompetence of this writer. Please forgive us, we will ensure that this does not happen again.
Normally we at UBBA Magazine do not personally endorse businesses, but just recently we got a call from Donald Howe, threatening to seriously mess with our telecommunications network if we didn’t advertise his company in UBBA Magazine. So here we go.
Their motto says, they're experts at network and communications. The whole lot of them! (even though it’s only a one man operation).
If you want to set up a drug deal, give Donald a ring and he will be able to give you the cell phone number of the right guy to ring. For a few extra dollars he'll sell you a phone to make the call.
Also if you want to make a few bogus phone calls, perhaps on to a police radio, he can rig you up a system and you can ring up the cops and send them off all over the city to the scenes of fictitious crimes. You can have a great laugh
He can also set you up so that you can steal free broadband Internet from anyone who happens to be in your area!
Even if your requests are simple and all you want is get an Internet connection at home or set up a local area network for your business, just give him a ring. He'll con you in to buying the most expensive equipment out there! You can have the best. It'll cost you heaps, but who cares, because that’s business.
Call in now and say that you read this advert in UBBA Magazine and you will receive free, with your next purchase, one photograph of a dead body which Donald Howe took while employed as a funeral director (or was that the the body of the last guy who didn’t pay his bill?).
Ring new on the emergency hotline on 0900-7399656
(5 dollars a minute)
Ask for Donald!
He'll get back to you in three weeks!
Hi there Fish and chip lovers! Here I am once again with some important tips and information on now to catch fish.
I had a great morning fishing just the other day. I went out on to the harbour, it was around l1 am. Normally I‘d head out at about 6am as that’s the time most fishermen head out, for some crazy reason. But we wanted to do a little sunbathing, swimming and scuba diving. In fact the morning we went out fishing, we never even got around to casting out the lines, we were far too busy doing other activities.
So I guess in a way there’s an important pointer in that story about fishing. If you do intend going fishing, make sure that you don't get side tracked.
As for me, I'm an avid fisherman and don't let myself get side-tracked too often, but sometimes I have to say to myself....Rog, stick to the job. You‘ve come to fish, not go scuba diving, not to go swimming, or impressing girls with my expensive yacht. But then I end up saying to myself...Ah what the hell and go do all those things anyway. Then I so the usual thing after wards. Go buy myself a feed of Fish and Chins from the local takeaways.
Abilene knew just what she had to do. Since the majority of her immediate royal family were dangerously inbred, it was a small wonder that she was able to think as well as she did. Her clarity, it seemed, grew straight and true from the dark earth below her
So, with a dark swirl, her plan began to bud. From seeds, to stems, to full flower. Cough cough.
Perhaps eluding the ring would not be so easy. After all, laws allowed for the king's men to remove her bodily from her beautiful home and drag her to the ceremony in her most elaborate gown to a ridiculously ornate church to her fate, that of being married to an obscenely wealthy man.
Welladay, that would NEVER do. EVER. How did one avoid children, however? The answer was simply FAAAABULOUS!
To be continued next edition...
The Story of Frankie
Frankie was the apple of his father’s eyes. He was like any other kid. He had a rebellious streak, but generally he was a good natured, well-rounded child.
‘I love you son,’ his father constantly told him. ‘I will always want what’s best for you, all you need to do is listen to what I say and trust me.’
‘Yes, Dad. I love you too and you know best.’
Frankie had one problem though and that was he just couldn’t resist chocolate. He loved it more than anything else in the world, but for his dad, it was a terrible thing.
‘Never eat chocolate Frankie. It’s bad for you. Don’t ever, ever eat it!’
‘Ok, Dad. If you say so.’
But Frankie’s father knew that chocolate was one thing Frankie couldn’t resist and knew full well that no matter how many times he told his son to avoid chocolate, Frankie wouldn’t. The allure was just too great.
But Frankie’s father wasn’t about to give up on him yet. He would attempt to train Frankie to resist the temptation of chocolate, even though he knew deep down it was futile. So one night he left a chocolate bar on Frankie’s bedside table.
‘Frankie,’ he said. ‘I’m going to leave this here tonight, but you are not to touch it, you understand? It is not for you to eat.’
‘But why put it on my table, Dad?’
‘This is a test to see if you can resist it.’
Knowing full well Frankie would fail the test, his dad left the chocolate bar there and sure enough, just as he suspected, Frankie was unable to resist the temptation and the bar was gone the next morning.
He sat Frankie down beside the fire and spoke to him gently. ‘Frankie, I told you not to eat that chocolate bar.’
‘But Dad, I love chocolate and I couldn’t resist. I just had to eat it.’
His father looked at him grimly. ‘You must resist the temptation! Chocolate is bad for you!’
‘I love you, son. This is for your own good.’
‘I love you too, Dad.’
The next night, Frankie’s father did the same thing again. He left a chocolate bar on his son’s bedside table, urging him not to give into temptation and eat it, but the following morning it was once again gone.
‘You failed me again, son.’ Frankie’s father said as they sat beside the fire.
‘I’m sorry, Dad! I just couldn’t resist!’
His father, gave him a hug. ‘I love you son and I forgive you, but you mustn’t do it again.’
‘But why can’t I eat chocolate, Dad? What’s really so wrong with it?’
‘It's just not a good thing, son. Trust me on that.'
‘But if I eat just a little bit, won't it be alright?’
‘Don’t eat it. If you love me, you will do as I tell you. Do you trust me, son?’
‘Then obey my rules.’
That night, once again Frankie’s dad put a bar of chocolate beside his son’s bedside table, knowing full well that once again Frankie would fail the test. Sure enough he did.
‘Frankie,’ his father said firmly. ‘Once again you gave into temptation. You must not eat the chocolate bar.’
‘But it looked so good,’ said Frankie. ‘Why can’t I eat it? What’s so bad about chocolate?’
‘It's just bad, Frankie. I don't like you eating it. It pains me when you eat chocolate and I just can't be near people who eat it.'
'Why not? I thought you could do anything?'
'I can, but if you eat it, it will just put a wall between us and I don't want that.'
'But can't you break the wall? You can do anything, right? You're my dad, my big strong dad!'
'Look son, you just can't begin to understand the situation. Just trust me and don't eat the chocolate.'
‘But it’s not fair.’
‘Frankie, am I your father?’
‘Then trust me, when I tell you it’s not good for you. Don’t eat the chocolate.
Night after night, Frankie’s dad would leave a chocolate bar on his son’s bedside table and each night Frankie, would give into temptation and eat it.
One day, beside the fire place, as his father told him off for once again failing the test,
Frankie got annoyed. ‘Dad, this is not fair. Why put chocolate bars on my bedside table each night, when you know I will eat them.’
‘I am trying to teach you to resist them.’
‘But I can’t!’
‘No! I’m not going to. If you put chocolate on my bedside table from now on, I am going to eat it. I don’t see anything wrong with chocolate.’
‘No Frankie, you must do as you’re told. You must obey my rules and trust in me.’
‘No!’ Frankie declared. ‘I'm think this is all just a big mean joke just to be mean to me. You're a horrible mean Dad and I don't care what you say anymore! In fact I'm beginning to think you're not my dad at all!’
Frankie’s dad felt a sharp stab of pain through his heart. ‘What? Surely you can’t mean that?’
‘I mean it! I’m going to eat chocolate whenever I like and you’re not going to stop me!’
‘Please Frankie. I’m your father and the rules I make are for your own good. Please don’t say things like that. Apologise to me now and I’ll forget you ever said those hurtful words.’
‘YOU ARE NOT MY DAD! A true loving father would never treat me like this!’
His father looked sadly at him. ‘Frankie. I have given you so many chances. Time and time again, I have said don’t eat that chocolate and time and time again I’ve forgiven you when you did. But not only that, you have done many other naughty things in your life and I’ve forgiven you for them too. But when you tell me you don’t believe that I’m your dad…. Well that’s something I can never forgive. You have brought this on yourself and there is nothing I can do. I am disowning you as my son.’
Frankie stared at his father in horror, ‘What?’
‘There are no more chances, Frankie. I didn’t want to have to do this, but you have committed an unpardonable act by rejecting me as your father and are refusing to apologise. By your actions you have proven to me that you don’t want the good things I offer you. You have chosen death.’
Frankie’s father called for the house staff and pointed to his son. 'Dispose of him!'
The staff members rushed forward, took hold of his son and hurled him into the fire.
Frankie screamed and writhed in absolute agony as the fire seared his flesh. His father looked on, sadly and when finally Frankie’s screaming died, he turned and walked away.
* * *
The story of Frankie is a harrowing one, but it is one that is happening every day, my brothers and sisters. Millions and millions are being cast into the flames of Hell all because they have chosen to defy the lord god and eat the chocolate.
Frankie represents the sinner. The chocolate represents sin. The father represents our wonderful loving God and he will have his angels (the house staff) cast you into the flames of Hell if you do not obey him, love him and worship him. (Matthew 13:40-42).
Heed this warning, my brothers and sisters. Beware of the wrath of our loving heavenly father. Sin is a test, one that you cannot possibly pass, but all you need to do to avoid God’s horrible wrath is to stroke his ego. Acknowledge him. Agree to love and worship him for all eternity. He loves you, my brothers and sisters. He truly loves you, just as Frankie’s father loved him.
Hallelujah, what a wonderful heavenly father we have, don’t you agree, brothers and sisters?
Dear Pastor Jake
I have been putting some of your strategies in action when it comes to creating my own religion and they do seem to be doing quite well. However, people are telling me that it’s only because my followers are under 12 years old that they fall for my tricks. I’m finding too that when I preach, they are grumbling and getting bored. I’ve been to church myself before and it is boring, especially listening to some deluded ubbhead in a pulpit going on and on. When I get to the end of my sermon, all they want to do is run off and play. How do I get them to hang around a little longer so that I can convince them to give money to my ministry?
Pastor Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)
My advice to you is to have music playing at the end of your sermon. As you wind up your sermon, you want your words to have more impact. To act hypnotic, so that people will be more open to what you say. With that music playing softly in the background as you appeal to their emotions, it will just enhance your words even more and the people will mistakenly believe that God is speaking to them… that the Holy Spirit is touching them. They will believe that your words are anointed. Try it, it really works! All pastors and evangelists do it, because they know they’d never get anywhere near the required response if they didn’t.
Dear Pastor Jake
Why is it that on Judgement Day God is going to have a book to know who is going to Heaven and going to Hell. Why a book? Why not a computer? Didn’t God know about computers 2000 years ago? Don’t you think it would make the bible look more divine if it predicted an IPAD of Life or something like that?
I can understand those questions as I have asked them myself. The bible would certainly be proven to be divine if it talked of small flat metallic objects rather than a paper book, but in reality there is no need for anything so extravagant, as only a few people in this world are true Christians. Most are false. All that God would need it a small pocketbook to contain the names of all the true Christians who have ever existed. You see only one denomination is the right one and even then people slip up and find themselves doomed to a place in God’s eternal barbeque pit. It’s why we should always be careful and always remain vigilant. We can’t afford to mess up otherwise our names may not end up in that pocketbook of Life.
Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorse the methods recommended by Aunty Lil
Welcome back my darlings. This edition I conclude my talk on discipline. Remember that you have a life and there’s nothing worse than unruly brats making your life difficult. Don’t put up with it! Make them realise that if it wasn’t for you, they’d be a stain on a sheet, nothing more.
Maintaining Discipline - Part 3
Parenting is war
I’ve heard that saying a lot. When it comes to your children, pick your battles. In other words ignore a lot of shitty behaviour and simply focus just on some of that shitty behaviour. Meanwhile there’s shit all over the place stinking everything up. To me that is lazy parenting. EVERYTHING should be cracked down upon as soon as possible. You should not have to put up with any bratty behaviour at all.
Being a parent means you are in a war. It will be battle after battle and you don’t just get to say to your CO, Hey, Colonel, I don’t feel like fighting today… or the enemy are only shooting at us, not actually hitting us, so do we really need to kill them? Oh no, you go to battle and you fight it out and you massacre the enemy, no matter what they do, because your country is relying on you. Well with parenting, it’s the same. Your country is relying on YOU to make sure you bring up law abiding, productive citizens and not deadbeat layabouts who think they can get by at the expense of others.
The only way to instil good discipline in your kids is to act as though you are the drill sergeant and they are the recruits. Your home should be a BOOT CAMP, not a luxury holiday spa! You’re not there to wait on them hand and foot, clean their clothes, cook them food and wipe their bums all the time. You’re there to whip those little brats into shape and make them conform! Treat every rule infraction as a court martial offence, no matter how minor other people may think it is.
Rational Discussion is irrational
Some parents like to sit their child down and try to talk to them like an adult. Like that’s really gonna work with kids! Kids aren’t mini adults, they’re kids and as a result cannot reason like adults do. So wake up and don’t be an idiot! Kids soon realise you’re a soft touch if you use that approach. When they see all you will do is sit them down and talk to them, they will realise that you’re not going to punish them, so continue on their shitty ways. If the worst they’re gonna get is a “growling”, then they know they can get away with anything they like.
The only talking any parent needs to do is to instruct that kid what his punishment is going to be. By all means rant and rave! No matter what those do gooders say, shouting makes you feel better and hopefully scares the bejesus out of the brat you’re shouting at. There were no scarier words for my kids than the words, ‘Go get my belt. I’m gonna give you a jolly good thrashing!’ Although just giving my boys a good clout around the chops was the most appropriate action normally. Just whatever you do, don’t tell them to get their school ruler. I’ve gone through so many of those due to them breaking when being whacked around a fat backside.
Well that concludes my talk on discipline. Next edition we will talk about something slightly different. Until then, happy parenting and don’t let those brats get away with anything! Lock them up if you have to!
Love Aunty Lil
Well, ladies and gentleman, this ain't funny. Prince died.
We lose Bowie. We lose Doris Roberts. We lose Prince. We just keep losing. I'd consider trading any of the following to get our good guys back:
1. Anything Kardashian or Jenner
2. Anything Bieber
3. Anything Cyrus or Cyrus adjacent.
4. ALLLLLLLL things Trump
5. All US Presidential candidates except for Bernie. Jesus Fucking Christ, not Bernie!
If you have any trades, let us know! Maybe some sumbitch will publish them. If we get enough trades, we can see if we can make it work.
This month UBBA Magazine has decided to publish one of Tucker Pyles’ test papers from high school. This one was a science test. Believe it or not he came very close with question number one!
1) What is the chemical with symbol Pb?
2) What is the chemical symbol for Plutonium Oxide?
3) C + 1 = 2. What is c?
Two people at the sea
4) Which of these gases is highly inflammable
A) Hydrogen B) Oxygen C) Neon D) Nitrogen
5) Which gas makes up most of air?
A) Oxygen B) Carbon Monoxide C) Nitrogen D) Carbon Dioxide
6) Which gas is poisonous?
A) Oxygen B) Carbon Monoxide C) Nitrogen D) Carbon Dioxide
7) Which one of these is a-solid?
A) Lead B) H2O C) Hydrolic Acid D) Nitrogen
8) Which part of your body pumps blood?
9) What is penicillin?
A type of ball point pen
10) Where does a mole live?
22 Odd South Rd (Her names Martha)
11) What is a Tuatara?
A type of tree
12) What is the planet Jupiter named after?
A character in an Alfred Hitchcock book
13) What part of the body is the pupil?
The whole body
14) What is a Bunsen burner?
Something that burns bunsens
15) Plants take in oxygen. What do they let out?
16) What is the planet Saturn name after?
17) What is the planet Pluto named after?
A Walt Disney character
18) Why is the planet Venus so called?
That’s where Venus fly traps come from
19) What is the planet Mars named after?
A famous mother (Or chocolate bar)
20) Why is the planet Mercury so called?
Because it got mercury poisoning
21) How are diamonds formed?
In a jewelers shop
22) Who was the first man on the moon?
Sir Edmond Hillary
23) What is litmus paper?
A new kind of toilet paper.
24) Name two uses for carbon
A) To make cars
B) To make carpets
25) Why did the Hindenburg blow up? (Give two possible reasons)
A) Somebody popped it with a pin
B) A nuclear bomb was planted on it.
26) Which is the most valuable substance?
A) Plutonium B) Gold C) Hydrogen D) Carbon Dioxide
27) What is the study of Botony?
The study of people's bottoms
28) What is the pancreas?
A pancake with water cress on it
29) Which gas can smother flames?
A) Oxygen B) Hydrogen, C) Carbon dioxide D) Nitrogen
30) Name a gas which emits an unpleasant odour
Want to lose all that lard you're carrying?
Want to get on a healthy diet?
Well try new SUCSO Rice cakes! The most healthy of all snacks.
A monthly column where readers send in letters with personal problems to solve. Our psychological expert Will Ullman (Alias Wal) has the answers and will gladly give his advice free. Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Wal will give sensitive,caring advice to help you solve it.
Hi, it’s me once more, the guy who wears the paper bag over his head with Tucker Pyles on it. Well, I took your advice and I gave Tucker's ex-girlfriend, Isobel the paper bag with the picture of Beyonce on it. Well now I've got more problems! Every other guy is after her, so now she's taken off with somebody else! What do I do to get her back?
I tell you what. Send this guy she’s run off with, a paper bag with Justin Beiber’s face on it. Get him to wear it. That will automatically put Isobel off him for good and she will come running back to you with open arms. If he doesn’t want to wear it, tell him that I'll come over and smash his-head in if he doesn’t
I am constantly being bullied by a boy at school. He is always picking on me, calling me names and hitting me. I'm not the type of person to tell the teachers, but it’s getting unbearable. What do i do?
Punch his lights out, I would!
There is this magazine that I read and I just get so infuriated when I read the problems column. The guy who writes the answers to peoples letters is totally uncouth and not at all qualified to counsel people. He has an uncaring attitude and gives people stupid advice like getting people to wear paper bags over their heads with faces of Rex Cassidy or Tucker-Pyles on them. I get so angry just reading the column and am seriously considering never reading the magazine again.- Do you think that I should give up reading it?
I think that you should give up reading all together. You obviously don’t know a good writer when you see one and you've got no taste whatsoever.
I have a real problem with my weight, I really feel like I am fat, but people say I'm not. How do I make myself feel good about myself? '
Overweight? Hang around with Tucker Pyles, you'll look and feel slim all the-time!
I have a real unubbery problem with my weight. I really feel that my weight is bulging out all over me. It really is just extra flabby muscle tissue, but everybody else says that it is fat. How do I make people feel good about me?
Tucker (Arnold Schwarzenegger) Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)
That disgusting stuff that bulges all over your body is neither fat or muscle. Its shit, and the only way anybody will ever feel good about you is if you got lost permanently!
Click on cartoon to enlarge
Click on images below to enlarge
Brought to you by Mad Dave Harris
These is a new moon in your sign, so beware if you are a werewolf.
You may have good luck today. Then again you may have bad luck. You may find a new friend, or you may just not meet anyone new at all. You may find the day slow, but then again it might just fly by. Now I GUARANTEE you that stuff will come true.
Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
The moon is over Saturn so this means that there is an eclipse.
Make up your own Harriscope this time around and I guarantee that it might come true.
An issue may arise to test your sense of fair play. Try to ignore it.
This month you will finally get a bit of relief, but it may be quite some time before you manage to get to another toilet.
If you need a bit of support this month, find a good solid wall to lean on.
This would be a good month to DROP DEAD!
See previous Edition’s Harriscope
Remember to wear your safety belt when driving.
"Picking my nose is my favourite pass time."
"Good lord, I really do look like a silly cow, don't I?"
"Take the damn photograph will you? I can't hold this bloody weight much longer!"
Jeff Howarth and the cricket bat he scored all his ducks with.
"Why would anyone want to move like me??"
From the "Mob from TAC" series.
It’s the school gala and Tucker Pyles has opened up an unauthorised kissing booth. .
‘I don’t believe it. Tucker, you have lost your mind?’ Hew scoffed once he and Ash came across his booth.
‘A kissing booth?’ Ash was incredulous. ‘I can’t believe you were serious about this!’
Hew rolled his eyes. ‘What did you expect? It’s Tucker we’re talking about. He lives in a fantasy world. Ten bucks a kiss? Surely you don’t really expect to get any business?’
‘Hey, give it time, the girls are too busy at the moment, but they’ll be flooding in before too long.’
‘And what do the teachers think of this?’ Ash asked.
‘Don’t know.’ Tucker had received some strange looks by some of them, but no one had said anything yet. ‘But by the time I’ve finished, I’ll have made the school a few thousand dollars, so nobody’ll be complaining.’
‘Hey, look here comes a girl.’ Ash smirked. ‘Hey Nancy! Look, ten bucks a kiss. Tucker’ll give you a discount.’
The girl took one look at the sign on the desk where Tucker sat and screwed up her face. ‘Dream on! I wouldn’t kiss that ugly fat creep if you paid me!’ She strode quickly away.
‘Looks like nobody’s interested, Tucks.’ Hew grinned.
Tucker snorted. ‘Nancy Butler is a cow anyway. Don’t worry, the dosh will be rolling in shortly. By the way, have you guys seen Rick Maverick?’
‘Oh my God…’ Hew said. ‘Don’t tell me you’re hoping he’ll want to buy a kiss from you. No redundancy pay for you!’
‘Don’t be so ubbing stupid, ubbhead! I wanted to know if he was here with his dad. That ubbhead has till the end of the day to have his father get in contact with me for a job interview.’
‘Well hey, you have a desk here, the perfect place for a job interview. You never know, Mav’s dad may even give you a kiss to to seal the deal.’
‘Get outta here!’
‘Don’t worry, we will. We’ve got better things to do than stand around here watching you humiliate yourself. We’re off to have some fun.’
‘So long, Tucker.’ Ash waved.
No sooner had the two boys wandered away when another guest arrived at Tucker’s booth, but it was not someone Tucker cared to see. The school principal.
‘Tucker! What on earth is this?’ Mr Andrews asked.
‘It’s a kissing booth.’ Tucker beamed.
‘Yes, I can see that! But who gave you permission to set up this booth?’
‘But who said you could do it?’
A deep frown appeared on Mr Andrews’ face. ‘You can’t set up a booth like this without the proper permission. Schools don’t allow kissing booths.’
‘They do on TV… and on the movies.’
‘Maybe in the USA, but not here. This is totally inappropriate.’
‘But I can make the school a fortune, sir.’
‘I find that very unlikely. Ten dollars a kiss? That’s way too much.’
‘But the girls will gladly pay that, Mr Andrews.’
‘Oh sure. And how much money have you made so far?’
‘Err…’ Tucker hesitated. ‘Nothing sir.’
Mr Andrews frown twisted slightly. It was almost as if he was trying not to smile. ‘I see.’ He covered his mouth, turned to the side and coughed twice. He turned back to Tucker, the frown gone from his face now. ‘I suggest you put your price down a little.’
‘So it’s ok then, Mr Andrews? I can keep the booth running?’
‘Ummmm. Well, I don’t really approve of this, but I guess it can’t do any harm. Keep it going. But in future, I expect you to get permission before you do anything like this. You are representing the school here and booths like this are often frowned upon, as well as being potentially unhygienic.’
Mr Andrews strolled away. No sooner had he gone when another student arrived at the booth. Unfortunately, it was not a female.
‘What’s Mr Andrews laughing about?’ It was Craig McLeod. As soon as Craig saw the sign at Tucker’s booth, he burst out laughing. ‘Oh! Now I see why he was laughing.’
‘Mr Andrews was laughing?’
‘He sure was. Ten bucks a kiss? Huh! You have got to be joking!’
‘I’m putting the price down.’ He took a marker pen from his pocket, crossed out the ten and replaced it with a five.
‘That’s still highly optimistic.’ McLeod laughed, but then his face straightened, ‘Hey have you seen Rick Maverick?’
‘No,’ Tucker said. ‘Not yet, but I was hoping he’d turn up.’
‘Oh good God, don’t tell me you want him to buy a kiss from you?’
‘No! Of course not, but his dad’s supposed to be interviewing me to be his new apprentice.’
‘For what? Food sampling?’
‘No, butchering animals.’
McLeod screwed up his face. ‘Sure. Ok, well if you see Maverick, let me know.’ With that McLeod walked away.
Half an hour went by and still Tucker had not had a single customer. A few teachers passed by snickering, but said nothing. Plenty of students snickered too, and some made rude comments. Girls quickened their pace if they came anywhere near the place.
Tucker decided to lower his price to two dollars a kiss.
A little later, he changed it to one dollar.
Tucker became bored and depressed He had really believed that his kissing booth would be a success, but so far, no one had even feigned interest. He had even considered the possibility of opening up a professional kissing booth in town and hopefully making a business out of it, thus solving his employment problem, but that was looking more and more like a pipe dream now.
Some of his classmates approached, although Tucker couldn’t see Rick Maverick amongst them. Sheep led the way, an amused look on his face. ‘Whoa Fats, what’s this? A kissing booth?’ He burst out laughing. ‘You’re a moron, Pyles!’
His friends joined him with smirks on their faces.
‘You are such a dork, Tucker.’ Jacqui scowled, the least amused of the group.
‘He’s even put his prices down. What’s the matter, Tucker? Business a little slow?’
‘It’s the competition,’ Pete said.
‘What competition?’ Sheep gave him a weird look.
‘The frog kissing competition down the other end of the school. Everyone’s going there instead.’
They all burst out laughing.
‘Anyway, who gave you permission to do this?’ Jacqui asked.
‘It’s true. Ask him. He said it was ok.’
‘Probably because he knew nobody would want to kiss you,’ Pete said.
‘For your information I’ve had heaps of business this morning.’
‘How much money have you made?’ Sheep challenged him.
‘He’s probably lost money,’ Pete said. ‘Any customers he’s had would have demanded a refund and then some to cover the costs of the psychiatric help they would need to get over it.’
‘Watch it, Cook!’ Tucker snarled. ‘Any cheek from you and I’ll...’
‘What? Kiss me? Oh oh, I’m outta here!’ Pete did a silly run, making a getaway. His friends just laughed as he disappeared around behind one of the blocks.
‘Hey, where’s Maverick?’ Tucker asked.
‘Don’t know,’ Sheep replied. ‘Went off somewhere with Samantha Drysdale. Why?’
‘His Dad’s supposed to be coming to see me.’
‘What? I didn’t think his dad was gay.’
‘Not for a kiss! For a bloody job interview.’
‘What, you’re gonna interview him to man your kissing booth?’
Tucker let out a deep sigh. ‘Geeze, you’re an ubbhead sometimes, Shepherd. No, he’s gonna be interviewing ME for a job as apprentice in his business.’
‘Oh yeah. Whatever, Pyles, you spaz.’
‘It’s true! You need to tell him, I’m waiting for his father. Tell him to hurry it up. Oh and yeah, Craig McLeod was around looking for him before too. If you see Samantha, tell her, I’ll give her a discount if she wants to come to my booth.’
‘Yeah, sure…’ sniggered Sheep.
They moved away at last.
Tucker sighed and leaned back in his chair. He was about to start daydreaming about different students who might come and buy kisses from him when a figure stepped up from behind and sat down on a chair beside him. ‘Hi, Tucker.’
Tucker turned to see Biggles, squinting off in the distance with a scowl on his face.
‘Hi, Biggles. What happened with you and Rex?’
‘Don’t mention that scumbag.’
‘He’s gone too far this time.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘He tried to make an idiot out of me in front of our friends.’
‘Oh yeah, he likes doing that.’
‘It just irritates me the way he thinks he is so much better than me.’
‘He thinks he’s better than everyone.’
‘Yes! And it’s really starting to get me racked off!’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘I’ve got a plan. I am going to humiliate him in front of the entire school, right here today!’
Tucker’s eyes lit up. ‘You are?’
‘Yes. But I need your help.’
‘Hey, you can count me in.’ It sounded too good to be true - a plot to embarrass Rex.
Biggles scowl began to disappear. He turned his eyes to Tucker and a gleam appeared. ‘I had a feeling you might.’
‘What’s the plan?’
Before Biggles could say anything more, a bona-fide customer finally arrived at Tucker’s booth. When Tucker saw her though, he screwed up his face. ‘Myrtle. What do you want?’
Myrtle Turlington, or Myrtle the Turtle as most people called her was skinny, pimply, her nose was crooked and her eyes were too big for her face. She wasn’t very bright either – thus her mean nickname. To Tucker she had to be the least desirable girl in the school, but for some unknown reason she had a crush on him.
‘I’m here to buy a kiss.’ She smiled. ‘A dollar?’
Tucker tensed up. The last thing he wanted to do was kiss the likes of Myrtle the Turtle. He had to think of something quick. ‘Err... Ummm... oh sorry, Myrtle. I’ve just closed for business. Something’s come up.’ He quickly tore his advertising banner from the desk, screwed it up and hurled it back overhead.
Myrtle’s face dropped. ‘Oh.’
‘Sorry, Myrtle, gotta go. Come on, Biggles. We’ve got some business to discuss...’
If you would like to read this entire novel, it can be downloaded from Smashwords:
Disclaimer: All articles in this magazine are the views of the authors and none of it is to be taken seriously. Interviews are purely fictional and letters are not written by the assigned people.
All writings copyrighted, UBBA Magazine 2016