Edition 8 - September 2016





New Planet discovered! THRER!

It's Earth but runs BACKWARDS!



It was really King Kong!


Cancer - Studies show just breathing will cause it!


Willy Wonka - Slave driver. The Oompa Loompas finally speak out. 


Steven King writes 



Spoof headline which nobody in their right mind would take seriously


Welcome to yet another brilliant edition of UBBA Magazine. Well at least we the publishers and writers think it’s brilliant. But then we have taste. ;)


We have most of our usual features and writers. In fact this edition’s interview is once again going to be conducted by Colin Hewgill and this time around I have to say he’s up against a formidable opponent. Yes, I liken his interviews to a boxing match because Colin is always taking swings and in every case so far he has pulverized his opponent, but this time around I reckon he’s bitten off more than he can chew. In fact I know that the interviewee this time around is going to make mincemeat of old Colin. Make sure you give it a read.


I said before we have most of our usual features and writers. The fact is it’s the end for one. You guessed it, Abbot Green. For the last 7 editions he has been trying his best to come up with something readable, but the editors could only ever tolerate reading a paragraph or two of each of his pieces before becoming frustrated and scrapping them. Don’t ask me why they still went ahead and published what they read, but that’s the type of whacky and ludicrous thing the publishers of this mag do. I mean come on, we’re talking about a bunch of people who are willing to have Tucker Pyles and his mother write for them! UBBA Magazine wishes Abbot Green the best for the future and hopes that he might just give up writing and stick to gardening and looking after his rabbits.


Without Abbot Green, it means that a new series of articles will be starting up. As you will be well aware, a planet was recently discovered outside our solar system, a mirror image of our own planet named, “Threr” (YES for once we have a headline that is actually for real!) Communications between the inhabitants has been difficult due to the language barrier, but a group of experts have managed to compile information on this particular planet and in each edition of UBBA Magazine we will reveal segments of that information so that you can learn more about this amazing planet. I’ve actually read some of these findings and it really looks to me as if the planet “Threr” is identical to Earth in every way, except for one thing… it seems to be running backwards. The so-called experts insist that is not the case and truly believe it’s just a whacky far out alien planet, but I am not so convinced. Take a read and see what you think. See if you come to the same conclusion as me.


Many readers have noticed and written in about Badkitty’s monthly serial, “the Romance of Abilene & Winston” and how it reached part 2 but never went any further. May’s edition even mentioned that part 3 would be next month, but we never saw it.  There’s a good reason for that folks. Badkitty is a fan of the 80s and if you have knowledge of 80s TV you will know that back then… and in the 70s and 60s you regularly used to get TV shows that were cancelled without the stories ever being resolved. Some never found their parents, mysteries were never solved, others never made it to their destinations, others were never rescued from being stranded on islands, planets or in alternate dimensions. Their sagas simply ended. Perhaps this serial has suffered the same fate…?


Or perhaps Badkitty decided she had better things to do than write romance stories?


Well it seems Donald Howe from Donald Howe Telecommunications was as foolish as I feared. He sent his heavies around to see me about comments I made about him. They weren’t very happy, but they were even less happy after I sent them both home with a broken arm and nose each. Don, if you have a problem with the things I said you come and see me personally, however I better warn you, I was in a good mood when your boys came a callin’. I may not be when it comes to you. My advice to you, Don, is to go back to watching reruns of the Sopranos, rather than pretending you really are a mobster.


The editorial staff felt a little guilty about the injuries I gave to Don's goons, so they’ve agreed to let him write his own commercial for this edition. He won't get any sympathy from me though. 


I’m not much for giving sympathy when it’s not deserved and I have no sympathy for you if you suffer any psychological trauma from reading Tucker Pyle’s first UBBA for this edition. My advice, like last time,  is to just skip straight to the letters to the editor. 


Rex Cassidy



Please can you print this letter in your Magazine this issue. It is probably one of the most important letters you are ever going to receive. The contents of this letter I’m sure you will agree are worthy to be printed in any magazine, but it’s UBBA Magazine that I feel would benefit most from it. I’m sure you will agree that many people write into magazines like this and never really make any valid points. They simply just type a load of crap that has no meaning for anyone. Well this letter is certainly not one of those letters. It makes very valid points and will be one of those ones that will really get people thinking. So thank you for publishing this letter and I hope that it will be of great value to those reading it.

Vroomfondel – Philosopher



I object to this letter being published in UBBA Magazine. Just because I’m writing a letter to you does not mean I want it on the Internet for the entire world to see. Thank you.

Introvert from London



I wish to speak up about the rather cynical comments from Badkitty last month. It seems to be a common thing for people to mock end of the world predictions these days. Don't they know that the end is near? Jesus himself said he would return and it's going to happen. Yes, it is! I know it's been 2000 years, but he really is returning. Truly. He wouldn't lie about something like that. When he comes the end will come with him. All you doubters will see! I promise it will happen. Soon, really soon. Definitely within the life time of most of us... or in a 100 years for now... or a 1000... or a million. He really is coming though, truly. REPENT! The end is nigh!


{Sorry, rational people realise that prediction is well past it's "use-by" date.}



I wish to object to the slander that was printed on the cover of the last edition of UBBA Magazine! How dare anyone claim that Barney the Dinosaur is a paedophile! Just because he hangs out with children all day long and doesn’t seem to have any other interest does not mean he’s a kiddy fiddler! It’s not like he’s a Catholic priest or anything. He’s a DINOSAUR!  If he was into human children, that would mean he was into bestiality! But Barney is not a beast. He’s a genuine, caring dinosaur. A REAL dinosaur and one of my heroes. I have always loved his TV show and really do object to UBBA Magazine trying to smear his good name. Ubbheads!

Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)


(UBBA Magazine are most concerned that a man in his 40s is so into Barney the Dinosaur)



I am really a great fan of UBBA Magazine, but can’t understand why you continually publish letters by that spaz Tucker Pyles, especially considering he’s actually on the writing staff. In fact I’ve never heard of a writer for a magazine continually writing into the magazine he’s working for. Why doesn’t he just speak to the other writers and the editorial staff themselves? Is he such a narcissist that he needs to see his own letters published on a website? What’s wrong with the guy and why does UBBA Magazine pander to him? I know that “UBBA” is his catch phrase, but seriously?

Rog Fisher  (UBBA Magazine columnist)


(Tucker is kind of like our mascot. Yes, the big dumb idiot who dances around and makes a fool of himself. But of course you already know that, Rog.)



I wish to complain that UBBA Magazine staff are using the Letters to the Editor as a sounding board for their own gripes. It’s not bloody appropriate! If they have a problem they should approach the people themselves and let their fists do the talking. Or if they complain to me, I’ll let MY fists do the talking!

Will Ullman (UBBA Magazine columnist)



Dear UBBA Magazine staff

Please realize that this part of UBBA Magazine is not intended for the editorial staff to write in and complain about things. It is for our fans to write into.  If you wish to complain about any decisions other editorial staff make, then please speak to me personally about it. There is no need to write in and have your letters published in the magazine itself. No need at all!

Joe Ashby (UBBA Magazine editor and chief)



Feel free to write in letters about your opinions about UBBA Magazine. We would love to hear from you. 


If you have any regular articles you would like to add to UBBA Magazine please contact us. We are always on the look out for contributors and will give you credit where credit is due.


Simply contact the administrator of Recker’s World





Interviewer=Colin Hewgill


Colin:  Hi, welcome to Hew‘s Interviews. Normally I interview people who I can’t stand, but today I’m interviewing a great friend of mine. I know what you’re thinking, how can I do an unbiased interview with a good friend, well don’t think anything’s gonna change in the way I find out the facts. I'm still going to go straight for the kill, no mercy. I want the facts and this month I'll get the facts out of my buddy, a man who since UBBA Magazine has been on the Net has gained a huge following of fans. A man who’s married to one of the most beautiful women in the world and who makes the likes of Brock Lesnar and Mike Tyson look like mommy’s boys. He’s the man who introduces UBBA Magazine each edition. Rex Cassidy!


Rex: That’s me eejit!


Colin: Who are you calling an eejit, buckweed?


Rex: You, assclown! You know you've got to be one of the most untalented interviewers in the history of mankind! Some of the questions you ask have to be some of the most infantile I’ve ever heard.


Colin: Hey I'm...!


Rex: Your insults are childish. I mean who calls people "Buckweed" in this day and age? As for your interviewing talents, or lack of them would be more suited to a conversation in a mirror.


Colin: Have you finished Rex...?


 Rex: No I haven’t. Who of any importance have you interviewed since UBBA Magazine made its online debut?  Nobody, that’s who...!  Your glory days were left behind the 90s when UBBA Magazine was on paper rather than online.


Colin: I’ve interviewed John Key!


Rex: Who? The New Zealand Prime minister? You call that a celebrity? He’s only in power because New Zealanders are too scared to elect someone into power outside of one of the major parties. Nobody outside of New Zealand even knows who he is!


Colin:  What about Donald Trump?


Rex: Another wannabe politician?


Colin: The royal family! I interviewed them last edition!


Rex: And so the whole political agenda continues. (rolls eyes) Do you really think our readers give a damn about the royal family? People want to hear from REAL celebrities and what they’re doing to humiliate themselves. People want to hear about what stupid names they call their kids, what they're wearing under their skirts, what they’ve been smoking and who they’re screwing around with. Our readers aren’t interested in real issues. Haven’t you researched your market audience? Come on, Hewgill, the Royal family is nothing but a joke and so are your interviews. Not once did you ever uncover anything we didn't know about them. You were just confirming the obvious. Face it Spewgill your interviews are about as informative and as useful as the minutes of a government cabinet meeting!


Colin:  Hey! Can we…


Rex: Hell knows why you bother, assclown, your interviews are as pointless as Tucker Pyles going on a fast food crawl in Ethiopia.


Colin:  My interview column is very popular. I have heaps of fans. I get fan mail by the truck loads!


Rex:  Yeah, you would have got a lot more too, but you ran out of stamps. And there's only so many fake accounts one person can create on Instagram and Twitter. Face the facts, eejit, your interviews are about as popular as a Chinese takeaway in a cattery.  Now check out my wife’s interviewing techniques. She’s the one you need to emulate. But hurry up Hewgelele, get on with the interview, I haven’t got all day. We've already been here for about five minutes and so far you haven’t asked me any questions.


Hewgelele:  I've been trying!


Rex:  Don’t try, just do it Bewgill, it can’t be that difficult!


Bewgill: Ok, ok… Now even though you do the welcoming segment of UBBA Magazine, very little is known about you apart from the fact you’re married to a supermodel… Vanessa Dante. She is your childhood sweetheart.


Rex: Yep, she is. We met when we were in our early teens and there was amazing chemistry from the word go. I’m very lucky to have her. You’re also lucky too, Bewgill, because you can learn a few things about her on how to interview people.


Colin: What’s most interesting about you, Rex is your occupation. Tell the readers what you do for a living.


Rex: I’m a private investigator.


Colin: The owner and operator of this website has actually taken the cases you have investigated and actually written them into book form.


Rex: Yes. As a matter of fact, most of what he has written is in our future.  Recker is amazing, he seems to have this psychic ability to be able predict what will happen to us, even right down to the very things we say to each other.


Colin: That’s impossible!


Rex: You’d think so, wouldn’t you, but it’s true. Every story he has written about us has come true to the letter.  Just check out the Mob from TAC high school novels. All exactly as  they happened. Truly amazing.


Colin: So we can read about these things? Even the things that haven’t happened to you yet?


Rex: Yes, simply go to the Creative Works part of the website and you can download them for free.


Colin: Are you trying to plug this website's creative works section? That's pretty low...


Rex: Don't even go there eejit. I'm just stating facts. Those so-called novels are actually historical accounts... and future accounts.


Colin: But wait, if these things really are historical, or are going to happen, why are they in the Creative Works section?


Rex: Because until they happen they’re still fictional. And let’s not forget that this site is named “Recker’s World of Fantasy” not, “Recker’s World of Reality”, so we can’t have a historical novel’s section can we?


Colin: Ok… sure, I can go along with that. Anyway, back to the main questions. Your investigation company, the Rex Cassidy Investigators has really started to make a name for itself. However many of your methods have come under scrutiny. While they are very effective, many people say they are often an abuse of people’s rights. There are rumours that you guys tend to get a bit heavy handed when it comes to interrogating people... Especially you. Apparently, you’re a real bully…


Rex: Shuttup Hewgill or I'll punch your head in! You know better than anybody that we do what we have to do. The only people we bully are people who like to bully others! Only those we know are vicious thugs who abuse the rights of innocent people....


Colin: Oh come on. You’re not above the law you…


Rex: What was that Bewgill? What were you just going to call me?


Bewgill:  Err...um...nothing...err, I was just about to say sir.


Rex: You better have been douche bag! Nobody has a go at me when they're interviewing me, got that eejit?


Hewgelele: Yes Sir.


Rex: Yes WHAT?


Spewgill: Yes master!


Rex: That’s better. People might expect us to be wishy-washy like the police, but that’s not the way we operate. We get the job done and we get the criminals off the streets. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire, but we would never take it too far. We respect the law. Next question, douche bag.


Colin: I also hear rumours that you’re a bit of a womaniser. Yet, you’ve been with the same woman since you were a kid. What’s with that?


Rex: Vanessa and I have a very unique relationship and it works amazingly well. But that is between the two of us and not something I’m prepared to discuss in UBBA Magazine. Just read one of Recker’s books about us and you’ll learn more, but I have to warn you Recker has a warped imagination.


Colin: I thought you said that stuff he writes about is all real?


Rex: It is. I’m just blaming Recker for it, that’s all. Ha ha ha.


Colin: What like some people blame… or give God credit for things?


Rex (smiles): Exactly! Recker is kind of like the god of this website. That’s why you’re celibate and lonely. Recker has ordained it.


Colin: Hey, what are you talking about? I’ve have heaps of girlfriends!


Rex: Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, whatever. The last girlfriend you had was a Barbie doll when you were 16 years old. You've almost forgotten what a woman looks like because they're so repulsed by you they won’t go near you! The day you get a girlfriend will be the day Bill Cosby gets laid without the use of Quaaludes.


Colin:  So how did you get picked to write the intros for UBBA Magazine? I mean, it’s not like it requires any great effort on your part and it’s not like you’re the best writer in the world. Did you pay them off or something?


Rex: It was ordained by Recker. And if I were you, Spewgill, I’d watch my tone. The only people I ever paid off was the school board at high school so they wouldn’t expel me.


Colin: Ohhh, it must be sooo sweet having a wealthy family, isn’t it? You just got to cruise through life and even now you’re living off your parents wealth.


Rex: Don’t even go there, arse wipe! I’ve made my own fortune and who are you to talk, riding on another person’s coattail? If it wasn’t for certain people, you’d most likely be stuck working in a junk yard somewhere selling car parts!


Colin: I…


Rex: Enough of your inane questions. I should have known you’d have no intelligent questions to ask. I knew I should have had Vanessa interview me, but instead I have to look at your ugly ass… I mean face.


Colin: If Vanessa had interviewed you it would have gone 5 minutes and then you’d be all over each other.


Rex: True.


Colin: You’re weak!


Rex: Weak? You wanna see just how weak I am?


Colin: Ah ah, I’ll pass on that.


Rex: Oh right, you can dish out the ridicule and criticism, but where’s your spine, Spewgill? Maybe it’s time someone put you in your place? How about I do that right now?


Colin: No thank you.


Rex: No thank you, what?


Colin: No thank you, sir… I mean master


Rex: That’s better. Anyway, enough questions, I’m done with this interview.


Colin:  Appreciate your time, Rex.


Rex:  No problems Col, it’s been a pleasure.


Colin: Time for a beer?


Rex: Sounds good.



Click on above cartoon to enlarge.



A Trip to the Service Station


by Vanessa Dante


I don’t mind going to the service station. It’s one of the few public places I can go where I’m not the center of attention... where I don’t have every one staring at me all the time. That’s because everyone’s staring at my car instead. A pink Ferrari with Playboy bunny ears on the windows and a personalized license plate that says I♥TRBNG.


Of course these days service stations don’t usually provide much in the way of service. I mean it’s not like on Back to the Future where you have a bunch of uniformed guys running out to give your car a spit polish and a massage. These days you have to pour the petrol yourself and of course as soon as you pick up a dispenser a splash of petrol spills out onto your clothes, because the person before you didn’t give it a shake before they replaced it. Considering how expensive petrol is these days you’d think people would make sure they got every last drop they possibly could.


Saying that though, I guess when you really think about it, petrol is the cheapest liquid you can buy at the service station. In New Zealand we pay around $1.80 NZD per litre of petrol. Now if you want milk from a service station it’s going to cost you around 2 NZD per litre.


What? Milk costs more to buy than petrol? How can that be when petrol comes from fossil fuels, which is shipped in from overseas and milk comes from cows, of which there are more in New Zealand than there are humans! Something just literally doesn’t add up here.


But that’s not the worst! What if you want to buy a litre of water from a service station? That’s 3 NZD per litre! WTF? Is this some kind of a sick joke? In a country that gets way too much rain, we get charged that much? That’s almost double the price of a litre of petrol! It's no wonder the Chinese are draining all our water and making millions by selling it overseas! They'll be better off than the oil companies!


Something is completely messed up here. My head is spinning. I just hope they never start selling Bourbon at a service station. Imagine how much you’d be paying for that! $80 per litre? I guess we better stick to using fossil fuels. It’s the way more economical option.


Ok, time to pay my bill and drive out of here. Oh no, is that creepy looking guy at the pump next to me staring at my butt? I guess he's not into Ferraris. Sigh.  


My name is Don Howe and I’m an honest business man and in no way have mob ties. I may have once been the leader of a motorcycle gang, but now I am a church going family man. (And I don’t mean family as in the Sopranos, the Godfather, Sons of Anarchy or anything like that.


Come to me for all your telecommunications needs.  We’ll deal with the technical side and we also perform some very specialized services.


Operation Insurance

For a reasonable fee we will ensure that your business is protected against street thugs and criminals.


Debt collection

My boys will insure that any of your clients who aren’t paying your debts pay up. Of course we will be very gentlemanly about it.


Disposal of rubbish

Should you have any unwanted rubbish lying around causing an inconvenience, we have a special man who will come along, clear up the mess and dispose of your problem without any questions asked. You can rest assured that your business refuse will never be found by anybody.


Vermin eradication

As a special service to our valued clients we also deal with vermin eradication. For instance, if you have any rats that need knocking off we will take care of them. Or maybe you know of certain vermin in other areas of your business, perhaps even involving other people you do business with. For a fee I can have one of our experts go out and eradicate that pest problem.


So give us a call if you need any of our services. Just ask for Frankie Lead Boots or Vinnie the Thumb.  Luigi and Bugsy are currently in hospital recovering from broken limbs. 


In this series of articles, we learn more about the new planet that has been discovered, one which appears to be Earth but runs backwards.


The Threrrian Life Cycle - Part 1


The planet Threr has a temporary regenerative effect on all living things, unlike Earth where things begin to deteriorate with age. It is possible to plant dead organic matter on Threr and have it regenerate and grow. Sometimes this is only temporary and the plant soon dies, but for other plants, eg Trees, they can thrive for many years before deteriorating.

Recycling is hugely successful on Threr and done religiously, even fanatically. They are involved in major reforestations projects, taking old timber or wood and planting huge forests from it. There are special machines called Erwoam Nawls that will actually nit organic material onto grass, giving it temporary new life. With a regular use of an Erwoam Nawl Threrrians are able to keep their grass at a healthy length.

There is something about the environment on Threr that rejuvenates human life. A Threr is born in the form of a fully-grown adult and throughout their lives decrease in size. At death, they are the size of a newborn Earth baby. How this is possible is a total mystery to us, but to a Threrrian it is the natural way of things.

The Threr life style is one of the first interesting differences between them and us. With the human, we come from one source i.e a human woman. With the Threrrians however, there is more than one way of being born and some could be considered quite miraculous by our standards. Furthermore, no one is actually born with a mother or father; they will be adopted at birth, generally by someone who attends a birthing ceremony.

        There are two main ways of being born: by harvesting and by fire.




         Just like we would harvest vegetables from a garden. They usual come in a form of organic birthing pods underneath the ground, but this doesn’t have to be the case, as many babies are found born without a birthing pod.


Biologist – Dr Quentin Phillips comments:

The birthing pod is no doubt a form of cocoon, which begs the question of what caused the cocoon to grow in the first place. The only obvious answer is that the Threrrian take on some other form of living being that dwells underground, before they become human – a little like a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. Perhaps they start out as some kind of serpentine being, a worm perhaps, which is able to travel underground. Perhaps it grows from a very small form of life and gets so big that it can no longer travel underground. At this point, it spins a cocoon, to protect it and it lies dormant until such time as it is dug up from the earth.

As for those Threrrians that supposedly are born without a cocoon, it is more than likely the baby had already hatched and left the cocoon on its own.



Generally Threrrians ‘grow’ in specific birthing areas, where they set up monuments to predict future births, and even when the person concerned will die. Why Threrrians tend to birth in specific areas such as this is a mystery. There are no special patterns in climate or soil quality, so we can only assume that there is some other force of nature that causes this to happen.

            Harvesting is usually followed by a Lurinewf ceremony to welcome the new family member to the world. There is generally someone at this ceremony who will later take responsibility for the newborn as a parent, or at least take them somewhere where they can be cared for.




         Births often take place in special fire burning ceremonies. These ceremonies are known as nishamearcs. They take place in certain buildings specifically designed to cater for births. Anyone wanting a new family member can arrange, to hold a nishaimeerc ceremony. In an inexplicable occurrence a body and its birthing pod is formed within the fire.


Biologist – Dr Quentin Phillips comments:

This is truly a bizarre concept, but perhaps has something to do with the regenerative effects that the planet of Threr obviously has. The laws of the planet seem to be the opposite here under some circumstances. Maybe in this world the fire (if it is indeed natural fire at all), has a generative effect on things.


*          *          *


            What should be a joyous occasion is usually a very sombre one. There are many tears shed when a child is born. It is a very difficult thing to explain, as those involved in the ceremony are inexplicably overcome with grief. Maybe they are concerned for the hardships that this new family member will have to go through, particularly at the early stages of its life.

            Both the Nishaimeerc and Loorinewf ceremonies are similar in this respect.


            There are other ways of giving birth too. Bodies may grow in the bottom of lakes or rivers. Also in areas where very few people venture. Sometimes a truly miraculous event will occur, giving life to hundreds of newborn Threrrians.

Wild animals will often give life. For instance, there are snake-like creatures called Kaince. The bite of these creatures can assist in the life giving process of a Threrrian. They can also heal people who are in pain or are sick. Funnily enough, Threrrians fear these types of animals. The people of Threr predict there will be a time in the future where people will assemble in huge arenas and watched as people are born into the world with the help of ferocious beasts like the Nile.

            Signs of life do not necessarily occur right from birth. A body may be lifeless for days, maybe even weeks or months before it shows any signs of life. Sometimes it requires the actions of another Threrrian to assist with or begin the living process. From our point of view, these are often rather bizarre and gruesome methods.


·         Taking them for a ride in a damaged motor vehicle, the more damaged the better.

·         Operating on the body of the newborn with a sharp instrument or other surgical equipment.

·         Underwater birth rituals, similar to a water baptism.

·         Dragging people up to huge heights using a form of reverse gravity.

·         High impact collisions with large or solid objects, which knocks consciousness into a new born Threr.

·         Electrical shock. (much like Frankenstein’s monster)


            Threrrian television and movies often depict startling methods of child birth. A popular series of movies entitled "Worss" has its characters born one after the other through such means as sewing dismembered limbs together, a little like Dr Frankenstein creates his monster in our own movie classic. Another popular series has a ghoulish, but heroic character by the name of Rergoork Eedearf bring people to life in their dreams.

There are wonderful life-giving instruments called Nugs. Some people are born with life threatening deformities, which by Earth standards would be considered horrific. Nugs can be used to draw the damage from the tissue and heal it right away. Unfortunately, nugs are usually only effective if the newborn is lucky enough to contain metal deposits in their bodies, which on Threr can be the case. Alas, due to this fact, nugs do not have this effect on Earth babies with deformities.

On Threr, there are people whose main purpose in life is to go around bringing people to life, but ironically, they are not appreciated for what they do. In fact they are often treated with fear and loathing, even after the act. Perhaps the people of Threr believe that life is more of a curse than anything and that it is better not to be born at all. Perhaps it is because once life occurs; it can be a very unpleasant process to start with, often painful. Some people start life very ill with diseases. Others may have to spend time in hospital recovering from fatal deformities.       


*          *          *


Tune in next edition when more will be revealed on the typical life of a Threrrian and the trials they must face as a young Threrrian starting out in life.   


Hi fish lovers. If you know me, you will know just what an avid fisherman I am. If you’ve read my column here in UBBA Magazine you will also see that. I just live my life around fishing and get out on the boat whenever I can. Well I’ve been watching a few documentaries on Sky TV lately, in particular a show called “River monsters”.  It inspired me to take my fishing adventures to a whole new level.


So I decided to head somewhere to catch a REAL river monster myself. Something more ferocious than any other fish I’ve ever caught in my life and I’ve caught some doozies… well… eaten some anyway. 


I decided that on this occasion I was going to make a trip to Louisiana USA to catch an alligator gar. Just take a look at this monster! Now that is one gigantic mother of a fish! Wow!

So anyway, I headed over to Louisiana and met up with an American friend out there and we headed out to one of the local bars there. Boy did we have a great time. We had shot after shot and we partied with some of the locals. I even got to try out some traditional Gumbo and Jambalaya. It made me feel like going and buying a Carpenters CD so I did!  Yeah, yeah ok I admit, I’d had a lot of shots! So there we were playing the Carpenters and getting even more sloshed. Boy did I wake up with a terrible hang over the next morning. I was so ill I just didn’t feel like going fishing after that!


The photograph? Oh that was just one I got off the Internet. 


So you lack faith? So did the disciples!


Many people come to me and they lament about how weak they are in the faith. How they are always failing and having to ask God forgiveness. How they even doubt their God. I for one can’t fully understand this, as I am a true Christian and my faith is strong, but let me tell you brothers and sisters, do not feel bad for even the disciples were failures. Even their faith was weak and they rubbed shoulders with the son of God on a daily basis!


Hallelujah! Yes, the 12 disciples were as lousy a Christian as you are, my brothers and sisters! In fact they were so lousy, you might even wonder whether Jesus was really all he was cracked up to be, after all, wouldn’t you, my brothers and sisters have the strongest faith ever, if you were hanging out with Jesus every day, witnessing his miracles? I know I would! Yet, as Christians we do not get Jesus hanging out with us every day. At least not in the way the disciples did, but yet, they were pathetic examples of faithful Christians. TRULY pathetic.


Just look at them… They were a weak and wishy washy lot. They continually needed to have Jesus explain things to them and he often would berate them for their lack of faith. One denied him, another doubted him and another even betrayed him.


People say that Judas Iscariot was the big villain, but it was Thomas who showed the worst faith. You’d think a man who’d witnessed the miracles that he had would be absolutely convinced Jesus was the son of God, so when Jesus turned up, he wouldn’t have doubted him. He would have said, “Great, JC, you’re back. Now what do we do?”


Hellooooo. What is wrong with this picture? Could it be that Jesus really wasn’t all he was cracked up to be? That he was really just a man, perhaps a pretty good conman, but his disciples knew his tricks and knew he wasn’t everything he claimed to be? Then they even employed those tricks themselves when they went out on their own?


Of course not, brothers and sisters! Jesus was everything he said he was, it’s just that the disciples were just a useless pack of idiots. So don’t feel bad about your lack of faith, my brothers and sisters. It just makes you as useless and pathetic as the 12 disciples. HALLELUUUUUUJAH! You are in good company!




Dear Pastor Jake,

Hi, it’s me Pastor Tucker. I have managed to get a few more people to join my Pylist religion and have even managed to convince them to tithe money, telling them that by not doing it they are robbing God. The guilt trip has worked nicely, but some of my followers are complaining that I am taking too much of the money to spend on myself. Well actually, they’re complaining that I’m spending all of it as we have no missions or anything like that going on. However, with all the work I put in and the fact that the money coming in isn’t that much, I feel as if I am justified in taking a salary. How can I convince my followers that I am using their money for good?

Pastor Tucker Pyles (UBBA Magazine columnist)


Dear Tucker,

Money will always be  a sore point, but let’s face it, money and power… and women…  is what most people become pastors for. And being in such a position of power you can pretty much dictate how much money you get as a salary. The best thing to do is to insist that God is blessing your ministry and that he wants you to have that money. Make out that you really do work hard and that members of the congregation require a lot of your time so you get little time to yourself. Make out that it is due to your work being so valuable to God, that he is blessing you with all this money. Tell them that they too can be blessed financially if they just keep giving financially to your ministry. Tell them they will always get back ten times what they put in.



Hi, Pastor Jake,
in the last edition of UBBA Magazine, you talked about God never failing. Well there is a story in the bible where God DID fail and it was Jesus himself who God failed. Jesus prayed in John 17:20-23 that through him, the world would believe in God and that unity would come through Jesus. Well unity has not come. There are so many denominations of Christians it’s not funny and no two of them can agree. So where’s the unity? Even Jesus’s prayer was not answered. God has failed!

Martin Cooper


Dear Martin,

Ah, but he hasn’t. That true unity of Jesus Christ is coming through the ministry of myself Pastor Jake, as I preach the true gospel. All those other denominations are simply false Christians. Jesus was not talking about them. He was talking about Pastor Jake’s ministry.  That unity is here, my friend. Join me!



Dear Pastor Jake,

The bible tells us that we will not be tested beyond what we can endure (see 1 Corinthians 10:13), but God has put me through so many trials and tribulations. I cannot handle them. It’s too much. God HAS tested me beyond what I can tolerate.

Mandy Miller


Dear Mandy,

Who do you think you are? What makes you think you are that special that God would put things in place to help you deal with your problems? The verse in Corinthians was not directed at you, it was directed at the churches in Corinth! Have you ever been there? Were you there 2000 years ago? No! Don’t be so bloody stupid and quit taking the rantings of the misogynist and contradictory Paul so seriously. Take a look at 2 Corinthians 1:8. “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.”  YES, even Paul himself was tested beyond what he could endure. So why would you think you are protected?



Disclaimer: UBBA Magazine in no way endorse the methods recommended by Aunty Lil


So far most of my advice has been aimed at how to deal with young children, however many people have been asking me how to deal with teenagers and some of their issues. So I will talk now and over the next edition or so about issues relating to teenagers.


People claim that when a child gets to the teenaged years that they become a lot more difficult, but I have found that using much the same techniques as you did when they were younger continues to work. For instance, I still make them sleep in the toilet if they soil themselves. I still give them a darn good thrashing with my belt if they really get out of control. However, there are some unique situations with teenagers that you would not face with very young children.




This is a topic that is often taboo and parents often find it difficult to know what to say to their teens. However, I tell it like it is! I tell them that sex is dirty and that if you do it outside of marriage, then you’re are very sinful and will go to Hell. Yes, I am a staunch Christian woman, as no doubt you have already figured out even though I haven’t said so. I very much agree with God’s insistence that sparing the rod is spoiling the child.


Sex is a filthy filthy thing and should only be for procreation and as I found out pretty quickly myself, the Pyles genes are not something you want to be spreading around, so I didn’t want to encourage my children to have sex.


So deter them from doing it I say and just give them the basics. Just get some kids book out of the library about how animals do it and read it to them. That’s all they need to know.



Humiliation when it comes to the opposite sex


To prevent your teenagers from ever having sex, the best thing to do is to ensure they are constantly humiliated in front of members of the opposite sex.


For instance, if your son is going to a school dance GO AS HIS Date!  As soon as other children see that your teen is dating their mother, they will wonder what the hell is wrong with him. I did that with my son, Tucker and no girl wanted to date him after that. They all thought he must have been some kind of pervert going to a dance with his mother. 


Another great opportunity I had to humiliate Tucker in front of the girls was once when he was stupid enough to sign up to be part of a junior bachelor auction. It was to raise funds for charity and each boy got up on stage and the girls bid for a dinner date with him. Tucker was getting absolutely no bids at all, so the auctioneer was knocking down the price dollar by dollar, until it got down to ten cents. STILL nobody wanted to bid for the fat lug, so being the loving mother I was, I made a bid and won the auction. Tucker had the pleasure of having ME for his dinner date!


I found the best thing was to be around at any social event where teenagers mixed, so that I could turn up just at the right time and prevent anything from happening. There’s always something embarrassing you can tell a girl about your son to turn them off him.


*          *          *


Well that’s all the pearls of wisdom you pathetic parents are getting from me this issue. I will be back next time though with yet more advice to help you with your shitty teenagers. My hope is that you will all quit being such sorry excuses for parents and follow my lead. After all, I know what I’m doing!



Well I have to say, the editors of UBBA Magazine have shown me absolutely no ubbing respect at all. It seems my cooking column is going to be permanently placed at the bottom of the magazine even further down than my own mother who for some crazy reason is still allowed to give parenting advice even though she should never be…




“It’s ok, Ma, I’m not. Honestly.”


“IF YOU ARE I’M GONNA GIVE YOU A DAMN GOOD THRASHING! You’re getting too fond of bad mouthing me. I’m the best mother you’re ever going to have so don’t you damn well forget it, you moronic idiot!


“Yes, Ma.”


Ubbing Mum! Always snarling at me at things. I’m 45 years old you know.




“I’m not Ma!”




Sigh. Well, my readers have been complaining that over the last few issues I haven’t come up with any more of my fabulous recipes, so I figured I’d better pull out another magical culinary masterpiece for you. A special secret Pyles family recipe. No doubt, you’ve all heard of the famous French dish; the Lasagne, well this is Pyles Lasagne. For one thing we don’t screw up the spelling OR the pronunciation of it. Pyles La Sag Nee! The way Lasagne should be!



La Sag Nee




20 bags of some kind of pasta     10 Kgs of premium mince          

10 Kgs of cow fat                  4 litres of hokey pokey ice cream              5 cups of salt                            2 cups of curry powder

5 bags of black liquorice straps.   1 onion                                     

a cup of paprika                        1 bottle Soy Sauce                          

10 cans of tomato puree             10 Kgs of grated cheese

5 blocks of butter                      1 kg of Brussels sprouts             


Firstly, you must take the premium mince and the cow fat and mix it up thoroughly. Pretty much creating your own version of mince.


DAMN IT! Why do I keep making spelling mistakes? My fingers are just too fat… I mean muscly! I just hope the editors will correct my spelling errors later like they promised they would.  (Thanks guys) Just too bad the autocorrect feature doesn’t work properly. Instead of correcting my spelling, it just tries to misspell it instead.  Urrrrrbarrrrrrrr!


Once the minced mince has been minced, then you can add in the curry powder, paprika and the salt and mince some more until it’s all really well minced up.


People say you should make the cheese sauce separately, but I say why waste time? The sooner you get this wonderful La Sag Nee into you the happier you’ll be. Just chuck in the ingredients for the cheese sauce right in with the mince, ie: the ice cream, butter and half the cheese. Eat a scoop while at this point. Cooked La Sag Nee is great, but having some raw doesn’t go astray either.


Mix it all up together and then throw in the tomato puree and onion. Also, because some ubbheads have complained I don’t have enough vegetables in my foods, throw in the Brussels Sprouts too.


Cook for about half an hour on 250 degrees C. By now, it should be getting very dark brown, but we haven’t finished yet. You should have been boiling the pasta. What? You haven’t? Are you some kind of an ubbhead? Boil the ubbing pasta! NOW UBBHEAD!


Once you’ve done that (FINALLY!)… it’s time to add the pasta to the main mixture. This is where you should layer it. One layer of the meat mince, one layer of the pasta and then one layer of liquorice straps. Then the same again… and again… and again... and again… and again… until you’ve run out of each. Finally put the rest of the cheese over top and put it back in the oven and grill until it gets charred black. YES! It has to be black or you don’t get so many great nutritious chewy bits!

And there you have it. The most ubbery lasagne you’ll ever taste in your life. LA SAG NEE! UUUUUUBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! 


A monthly column where readers send in letters with personal problems to solve. Our psychological expert Will Ulman (Alias Wal) has the answers and will gladly give his advice free. Remember, if you too have a problem (no matter how stupid it is... even if its a made up one) just send in your letter and Wal will give sensitive,caring advice to help you solve it.


Dear Wal 

Hi, it’s me the paper bag guy. I took your advice and did what you said and it did the trick. I’ve finally got rid of the old battle-axe. Now I’m single again! Anyway I’ve been wearing that paper bag with Mel Gibson’s face on it wherever I go. All I get is funny looks. I even went to my local bank but they thought I was there to rob it and I got arrested.   Now I’m up on charges and looking at doing time. You got me into this mess. How do I get out of it?



Don’t blame me for your inability to get chicks. If you’re stupid enough to walk into a bank wearing a mask, then it’s your own fault if you got arrested. I tell you what, there are two things that are gonna happen. Either you’re gonna get locked up or they’re gonna let you go free. If they lock you up then I suggest you replace that paper bag with a picture of someone like Mike Tyson or Chuck Norris, so hopefully nobody will dare mess with you. Of course, if you actually do want your big hairy cell mate taking advantage of you just go back to wearing the Michael Jackson bag. If they drop the charges, then everything’s AOK. Wear a paper bag with a picture of yourself on it. That way if you do get in trouble again you can show that you’re not trying to be anyone but yourself and if you meet a hot chick just say that the picture isn’t of you. That way she might hang around long enough for you to work your charms on her.



Dear Wal,

I wrote you a letter last time complaining about my mother demanding to move in with me. You told me to tell her to naff off, so I did. She ended up beating me black and blue with her handbag. That was really bad advice. How can you even be the resident problem solver on UBBA Magazine when your advice is so terribly bad? You’re an ubbhead! I should never ever have listened to you. Now I am in my mother’s bad books. AGAIN! And she’s still insisting on moving in with me! Why don’t you give me some good advice or hand in your resignation to UBBA Magazine right now!

Tucker Pyles  (UBBA Magazine columnist)



Actually, my advice served its intended purpose and that was to have your mother beat the crap out of you for me. I bet with all the crap knocked out of you, you’re standing only about 1 foot tall now, right? Ha ha ha ha! So far so good. Let me give you some more advice, dumbass. Tell your mother straight out. Tell her that you need to learn to stand on your own two feet and that having her around won’t help with that. Also tell her she’s an old bag.



Dear Wal,

I just can’t stop reading advice columns. If ever I pick up a magazine, I turn directly to the advice column. It’s an addiction and I can’t help it. How do I stop myself from doing this? Life is full of enough problems of our own without reading about other people’s.

Mavis Atherton



I know how you feel. I’m sick of reading about other people’s problems too. Most of what people complain about can be solved with a little common sense anyway. My advice to you is to give up reading altogether. Either that or just stick to comic books.



Dear Wal,

I’m what you call an excessive moaner. I’m always complaining about one thing or another and I’m finding that people are getting tired of me. Moan, moan, moan, that’s all I ever do. If only there was something I could do about this problem of mine. I mean, I just keep going on and on about the same thing over and over again and it really gets on people’s goat. It really gets on my goat too. It would be ok if the things I were griping about were worth griping about, but I end up just harping on about the same thing continuously, like a freaking broken record. I mean, it’s really getting beyond a freaking joke.  Is there any advice you can give me that will help me to quit being such a whiner? Anything at all. I’m not asking too much am I? Seriously? Geeze!



Bloody hell. Why do I always get stupid bloody letters like this one? For once I’d just like to get a letter from someone who has a really serious problem, not some stupid one. Am I being unrealistic? God, I tell you if I get any more letters like this I’m gonna quit!



Dear Wal,

I have this problem and that’s that I find it very hard to get across messages to people. No matter how hard I try I never seem to be able to get across what exactly it is that I’m trying to convey. It always gets confused.  For instance, just this last week I was heading into town and I went to this restaurant. Either way, it made no difference because the waiter still insisted that the manager was out of town and he wasn’t interested in buying any encyclopaedias. So I said, well ok, then, if I head over to the auction house and put a bid on a horse race, will that make a difference? Well the mechanic just looked at me funny and handed me back my pot plant. So Wal, do you see what I’m getting at? I just don’t know how I’m going to tell her? What should I say to her?

Merna Wilkins



I understand completely. I wish I could answer your question, but it’s just way too complicated an answer to give you in an advice column like this.



Dear Wal,


Whenever I bake scones they always end up looking more like pancakes. What can I do to get them to rise properly?



Even though this is a personal problems column, I’m glad you wrote this letter to me rather than to Tucker Pyles. The problem is you are just such a lousy cook.. like Tucker, so my advice to you is just to by the scones from a bakery instead.



Brought to you by Mad Dave Harris




If you are in a bar drinking a glass of beer sometime this month... Have one for me will you?


Your lucky number is 33.56728392121. And as you go throughout your next week, bear this in mind: After all is said and done there’s a lot more said than done.



Be careful about what you tell your work colleagues this week. You know what a bunch of bloody gossips they are!



You may be tempted to pray over a difficult situation today. But how about you just get off your butt and take some real action instead of waiting for some god to do everything for  you?



Today you could embark on a new plan of some sort. I can’t tell you what that plan is, but if you construct a new one right now at this minute, then you will be able to say that Mad Dave is right and is a really great Horoscope writer.



There is a great deal of wind to fuel your fire this month. My advice is to cut down on eating all those curries.



You may find yourself wanting to go in many directions today. Perhaps you should consult someone that actually knows what they’re doing?


You will meet a tall dark handsome stranger. If you’re a girl this could be trouble. If your a guy this could be even more trouble.



The intuitive moon activates your second house of finances, giving you a competitive edge. Now’s the time to go to your ass hole boss and demand a pay rise. If he doesn’t, then tell him you quit! Just don’t blame me for doing something so foolhardy. After all, I’m only telling you what the alcohol… I mean stars are saying. I don’t make any of this stuff up, you know.



Avoid being a loudmouth lion today, because that just pisses off everyone else. Actually just you being alive pisses everyone off so why don’t you take a hike and go live on some other planet somewhere, ass hole!


Watch what you say - hasty words now could lead to regrets later, so aim to be much more diplomatic, you great thumping pillock!



Are you doing all the giving, and others all the taking?  You really are a gullible fool, aren’t you? Stop letting people walk all over you. Be more of an ass hole. Like those damn Leos. 


The Queen joins the dark side of the Force!

"YESSSS! I just thought of a way I can milk yet another Rocky movie out of the franchise!"





"No, please tell me that DJ is not gonna play another Stan Walker song"

"I try to look like Chevy Chase... I try act like Chevy Chase... I try to act in movies Chevy Chase would act in... I try to be funny like Chevy Chase... but I'm still just lame old Will Ferrell."




 "What the F... You mean  there really are people who would vote for Donald Trump??"

The edition's pick: The Great Rex Cassidy Conspiracy


Rex Cassidy is apparently killed in a freak accident. Vanessa Dante, inconsolable at the loss of her man attempts suicide and ends up in a coma. About that time, news reports of Rex’s double committing crimes surface.

Bruno Cassidy, Rex’s cousin finds himself obsessed with remaining at Vanessa’s bed side, but dark thoughts regularly enter his mind. Very disturbing thoughts.



Bruno sat at Vanessa's hospital bed gazing at her as she slept. Bouquets and vases of flowers were all over the room, brought by friends and loved ones. He, himself, felt an overwhelming sense of grief and loss as she lay there in her coma. It confused him. He hardly knew her but yet she seemed so wonderful to him. The thought of her never recovering made him think the world would be a much darker place without her lighting it up.

The ward had armed guards out the front, hired by the RCI. They weren't taking any chances. David had told him, 'Rex would want her protected at all costs. Nothing must happen to her. We must ensure she stays alive. It's what he would have wanted.'

Bruno had been allowed to come and go as he pleased. He couldn't stay away. The allure of the goddess kept bringing him back.

JC, Vanessa’s best friend stepped through the door to Vanessa's ward. ''You're back here again?'

'Yeah. I can't stay away. I don't know... It's like I feel I should be here.'

JC stood at the end of the bed for a moment and gazed down at Vanessa. 'It's so sweet of you to care so much about her.'

'Yeah... well she is my cousin’s girl and with him gone someone has to look out for her. So why not me?'

'I guess.'

'Does it disturb you?

'No. Of course not. Like I said, I think it's really sweet.' She moved around and sat down in the chair next to him.

Bruno couldn't help but stare into her eyes. JC was beautiful, no doubts about that... nowhere near up to Vanessa's standards, but awesome, none the less.

'It's actually been nice having you here,' JC said. 'To talk to. Vanessa's mother's arriving from New Zealand tomorrow and lots of Vanessa’s friends have come and gone from the hospital, but I like talking to you the best.'

Bruno felt flattered. 'I like talking to you.'

The two gazed into each other's eyes for a few moments. Then she leaned forward and kissed him. Next thing she flung herself forward and wrapped her arms around him. She began to kiss him wildly. Bruno eagerly took all she had to offer and pulled her closer to him.

Finally, JC came up for breath. 'Oh God, I can't believe I just did that. I just lost all control.'

'Hey, that's fine by me.' Bruno grinned.

JC pulled back. 'I shouldn't be doing this, not with Vanessa right there. Not very appropriate.'

'Well from what I hear about Vanessa, she'd probably get a kick out of watching us.'

'If you were Rex maybe... although I guess you're the next best thing.' JC flinched. 'I'm sorry. That sounded awful. Fancy comparing you to Rex like that.'

'Hey, I'm flattered. Saying I'm the next best thing to Rex is a compliment.'

'Well it was meant as a complement.'

'How about we go for dinner? After you've spent some time here. Just the two of us. I think we both deserve it.'

'Yeah, sure,' JC said.  'I'd like that.'

The door to the ward opened and Tucker, Cyril and Pete walked in.

Bruno felt something inside him change. On seeing the three, a coldness came upon him; a bitterness. For a brief second he wanted to march over to them and smash their heads together, but then the feeling dissipated.  'Hey guys. Any luck with the investigations?'

'No,' Cyril said.

'Yes,' Tucker replied. 'Bill Bixby's a crook.'

'The magician?' Bruno asked.

'Yes. He helped Rex’s double rob the bank.'

Don't start that again, Tucker,' said Cyril. 'People don't just disappear into thin air like that. Remember magicians don't do real magic. It's tricks. Why would Bixby, a perfectly wealthy man be in a bank helping Rex's double rob it. Use your brain.'

'But Sally said she saw him.'

Pete snorted. 'Well if this girl you met took a shine to you, obviously she's not right in the head, so I don't think we can take anything she claimed to see seriously.'

'UUUrrrrbbaarrrrr! I'm telling you Bixby's in cahoots. Find him and we'll track down Tiny Flynn.'

Cyril grunted. 'Tucker, there's no evidence that this has anything to do with Flynn and his gang.'

'I reckon it has.'

Pete replied, 'Well I reckon you're a moron.'

'Urrrrrbbarrrrr! Watch it Cook or a few ubberings are gonna be dished out.'

Bruno peered from Tucker to, then back again. The same ire began to manifest itself within him again. The urge to grab a surgical instrument from somewhere and plunge it into one of them filled his mind. Then another part of him told himself that doing so would only result in him being imprisoned. 'If you're gonna kill someone, make sure it looks like an accident', a voice told him.

He blinked twice. What the hell was he thinking? Where did those thoughts come from. He pushed them aside. 'So, Tucks, you met some hot chick, did you?'

'You bet!' Tucker beamed. 'We're going out to dinner later tonight.'


'It will be my first date ever. Oh apart from when I had that really hot chick go with me to a school dance that time.'

'That was your cousin!' Pete said. 'And she only went with you because your mother and aunty told her she had to!'

'I'm gonna strike it lucky tonight,' Tucker continued. 'I can feel it.'

'Tucker loses his virginity tonight,' Cyril said to JC. 'I somehow doubt it, but I guess miracles happen once in a while.'

Once again, Bruno's mind became full of dark thoughts.

'Go down to the carpark. Cut the brake hose on their car.'

'No, it will look like sabotage'.

'Who cares? They won't pin it on you. You're Rex's cousin remember? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!'

Bruno forced the little voices aside once more and told them to shut up. It seemed to do the trick, although now his head started to ache again. It bewildered him why he was having such thoughts when he liked Pete, Cyril and Tucker. 'Hey, I need to step out for a minute. Need some air.' He walked out of the ward and down the stairs. Damn this headache.' he thought to himself.

Once outside he walked towards the car park. He saw Pete's red Ferrari in the lot and strolled over towards it. He reached the car and stopped at the bonnet, staring at it. He tried to open it. It wouldn't budge.

'Damn it,' he muttered and slapped himself a few times, trying to fight back the throbbing in his head. 'What the hell am I doing out here?' He turned and headed back towards the hospital.


If you wish to read this entire story, you can download it here:

The Great Rex Cassidy Conspiracy