By Will Ullman (Nov - 2017)
I’ve found out recently that at the next Olympic Games in Tokyo, 2020 they’re including baseball, karate, skateboarding, sports climbing and Surfing into it. Hey, it’s great that these sports are getting a chance to be contested, but I think there are many other events that should be included too. So I’m campaigning and am confident that the following events will also be included in the Olympic Games for 2020.
Snakes & Ladders
Obviously, the board game alone is not gonna be good enough, as its only about luck and the roll of the dice, but I propose we take the sports climbing idea and turn it into a climbing game with REAL ladders in the form of an obstacle course. And we can also throw in poisonous snakes throughout the course, which you have to avoid as you scramble your way through the race. Now that’s a really exciting Olympic Game that you can bet I’ll be watching with eager anticipation! And knowing those Japs and the crazy obstacle courses they make for reality TV, they’ll have no problems agreeing to adding this game.
I’m not talking about using a skipping rope, I’m talking about races that involve skipping like a Nancy boy along the route. Say 100 KMs of skipping to get to your destination. Well hey, if you can have Walking races, why not Skipping races? At least Skipping is faster than walking. I mean come on, if you’re gonna have a race to see who can get somewhere the fastest, you’re not gonna bloody walk are you? You’re gonna choose a faster method like running or SKIPPING. And we all know that there is precious little difference between their version of walking and running anyway, which is why just about everybody in a walking race gets themselves disqualified for running. At least with skipping, it’s faster than walking and we won’t have to worry about people cheating.
We have diving and that’s fun to watch, but wouldn’t it be more exciting to see belly busters instead? Actually I always used to love doing bombs. We could have a similar event there to see who can cause the most water to rise as high as possible. None of this trying to dive into the water without a ripple crap.
No, I’m not talking about boring amateur wrestling, but pro-wrestling. Can you imagine it? Two guys being suplexed in unison. Two hurricanranas timed to perfection on two different opponents at the same time. Two steel chairs being whacked across the back of two heads at the same time. Now who wouldn’t want to watch stuff like that? Gotta be more exciting than watching that namby-pamby synchronized swimming, even though some of those chicks are pretty hot in their swimsuits. I mean let’s face it, why else would you watch synchronized swimming?
100 Meters Freestyle for athletes who can't swim.
Ok, I admit it, I stole that one from Monty Python. A bunch of guys dive into the pool and don’t resurface. It’s still a damn sight more entertaining than normal swimming races, right? I mean we all know who’s gonna win those races before they start and there are rarely any upsets, because you don’t see people suddenly drowning in the middle of a race. It’s not like running races where the favourite can trip up or pull a hamstring. Or in a biking race where you can have a pile up of bicycles in a crash. Swimming races are dull, dull, dull. I mean how long can you watch 1000 meters of freestyle without falling asleep? I think a snail race would be more entertaining.
Hey, if you're gonna have skateboarding, then Go-Cart and trolly racing should also be included right? Oh and Scooter racing... and Tricycle racing. Let's be fair now. While we're at it, let's also throw in some push chair racing.