By Vanessa Dante (Dec 2016)
When I was little there was only 12 days of Christmas. At least that’s how the carol goes. But these days there seems to be a whole lot more, what with Christmas decorations being put up in early November. Horrible Christmas music being played everywhere you go.
As a kid I loved the 12 Days of Christmas song. These days though, I find it all very bizarre. Now that I really do have a true love, it would bother me if he started bringing me most of those gifts mentioned in that song. I would have to say there is something seriously wrong with him. Let’s take a look at them.
A partridge in a Pear Tree.
I’d be presuming that it was the tree that was a gift, as my Rexy knows I like to eat healthy. I’m presuming that the partridge just happened to be nesting in that tree and now there’s no way of getting rid of it without resorting to cruel means. I just hope that I get to eat some of the pears before the partridge does.
2 Turtle Doves
I would have to say if I was going to keep birds in a cage, it would be a couple of rainbow lorikeets or maybe even a couple of budgies. But two turtle doves? Does anyone keep turtle doves as pets?
3 French Hens
Ok, I have no problem if my wonderful true love wants to erect a chicken coop in my backyard and enable me to have fresh eggs for breakfast each morning, just as long as I don’t have to put up with a rooster crowing at 5am each morning. But still… not a very romantic gift. My truelove is so much more thoughtful than that.
4 Calling birds.
Ok, this is getting a little weird. What is it with all these gifts of birds? Does my true love require that I have a whole aviary in my backyard? Wasn’t just the two turtle doves enough? I hate to make such a terrible joke, but it seems my true love may be a bit of a bird brain, especially if he thinks I want this many birds.
5 gold rings
Now we’re talking. But still… Five? One ring is enough and I actually prefer diamonds, rubies and emeralds. In fact my true love has already put one hell of an expensive jewel studded ring on my finger already. A gold one just wouldn’t look right next to it, let alone five of them! One on each finger? No thanks. I don’t want people thinking my true love is Mr T! (PS: Can anyone explain why the pattern of birds was broken at 5?)
6 Geese a laying
Oh no, here we go with the birds again. This is getting a little crazy here, not to mention disturbing. Why couldn’t we have stuck with expensive jewelry? At least you don’t have to feed and care for jewelry!
7 Swans a-Swimming
Oh my God! Seven of them? What do I want with 7 swans? I don’t even have a pond for them. Where are they supposed to swim? In my swimming pool? No thanks, I know what lakes are like once ducks, geese and swans have shat in them over a period of time. I don’t want my swimming pool becoming like that. I’d think my true love must be losing it about now.
8 Maids a-Milking
Now this is more like it. 8 sexy maids in skimpy maid’s uniforms. I’m fine with that and my man, he knows I’d appreciate that, being the type of woman I am, but if each one of them is milking, doesn’t that mean we’d also have a a herd of cows? At least 8? Are they going to be kept in my back yard with all the hens, geese and swans? Nuh uh. I don’t think so!
9 Ladies Dancing
Now this I can really get into. My true love, knows I’m that way inclined so to bring 9 hot lady dancers as a gift will be most welcome indeed. I’m sure I can find time for all 9… as well as the 8 maids.
10 Lords a-Leaping
Now my true love really is losing it. He knows this would not be my cup of tea. The only man I’m into is him, so why would I want 10 snotty nosed upperclass twits jumping around my living room? No thank you!
11 Pipers Piping
Hey I don’t mind a bit of classical music, but give me a rock concert any day thank you. If my true love is going to put on a concert for me, that’s great, but please let it be a band that uses modern musical instruments.
12 Drummers Drumming
Oh God, does my true love want me to have a head ache? Why would I want 12 drummers going crazy on 12 drum sets on Christmas Day? That doesn’t make any sense. No, I think we’ll just kick the drummers, the pipers and the lords out of the house and just enjoy Christmas with the dancers and the maids thanks. That sounds more like me.
And true love… next Christmas, maybe you could just buy me a new pair of socks... or even better, fish net stockings? I think that would be a lot less hassle and way more thoughtful.