School Prizegivings - Celebrating Mediocrity and Failure

 

 

By Will Ulman (Mar 2018) 

 

 

 

You know when I was a kid at school, we actually had to work hard to get our school qualifications. When it came to end of year exams, you either passed or you failed and if you failed, well you repeated the same year again. These days though, there seems to be no way you can fail. You just complete units and you gain credits and you just repeat certain units or do different units until you’ve got enough credits to get your qualification.

Not only that, but the work is so much easier these days. Back in my day we were having to learn long division at the age of 10 years old. Now it seems that’s left until high school. Everything’s been dumbed down that much. Well I guess as long as they’re getting rid of all the crap we don’t need like Matrices and Logarithms. Who needs all that junk anyway?

One thing that bugs me these days especially when it comes to my own kids prize giving is the number of awards there are to celebrate mediocrity and even failure. It seems that every kid has to win an award of some kind, otherwise their feelings will be hurt and all those wishy-washy parents who can’t handle a few crocodile tears from their kids will be up in arms, angry that the school does not deem their kid worthy of an award.

What is it with parents these days? The world is not fair and it does not see every one as equal. Not everyone cares about your kids’ feelings and there are going to be some who get better treatment than others.  In the real world, there are passes and there are fails. If you fail you lose, it’s a simple as that. You get up and try again. That’s the way it is and kids need to learn that now, not when they’re out there in the workforce. They need to be ready for it.  So let’s award those kids that deserve it and quit worrying about pandering to people’s delicate egos.

The next school prize giving I go to I do not want to see any of these ridiculous awards:

 

Most Improved

What does this award mean anyway? How does one measure that? And why is it that it always gets awarded to one of the dumbest kids in the class? Say a 10-year-old kid who was never able to recite his ABCs before, finally manages to do it for the first time so they get this award for finally succeeding at something every other kid, the same age, had mastered five years ago. Meanwhile, some kid who’s moved on to higher levels of reading who wasn’t able to get the “Best reader” award misses out because they weren’t dumb enough to get the “most improved” award.

 

Hardest Worker/Perseverance

This is yet another award that goes to the really dumb kids. These are the kids who have no hope of ever gaining all their credits and will probably never get a good job. But yet they persevered. Even though they try hard, it does no good, because they’re still abject failures, but hey, let’s give them an award for trying so hard.

In the real world, you don’t get pay rises or promotions for just working hard. You actually have to be able to do the job too!

Seriously, do you really want it highlighted how dumb your kid is? You don’t want them winning this award! How humiliating for you AND them.

 

Brightest smile

Seriously! This is an award given at my kid’s Prize Giving! Can you believe it?  This is an award that gets given to really dumb kids who are really good looking, because we know that in reality they’re only going to get by on their looks, not their brains.

 

Good sense of humour

Now this is one my oldest son was always getting each year. Why was that? Because he was a little shit and always in trouble, just like I was at school, except back in my day there was no such award as this one. So, what good thing can you say about a kid that clowns around all day, gives his teacher grief and never actually does any work? Oh yeah, he has a good sense of humour.

My son used to expect to get this award because he knew he’d never get any others… like this next one…

 

Teacher helper

This award is for the best ass kisser in the class. The kid that is always trying to schmooze up to the teacher. All the other kids hate him, but because he's the teacher’s pet, he gets this award. This is kind of like the opposite of the “Good sense of humour” award.

 

Most improved behaviour

Now this is definitely one award you don’t want to be getting. Nor is it one any parent wants their kid to get because what it tells us is that this kid used to be a real little shit with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. He brought his parents shame, but hey at least he’s made an effort this year to not be quite the little shit he has been in the past. At least now we only have to put him on detention three lunch times a week rather than five.  

 

Most artistic

This one goes to the weirdest kid in the class. The one whose parents live in another world and have dragged their kid into it. This kid is normally picked on by most other kids and is mentally screwed up. So what better award to give him/her than the “Most artistic” award, to make him feel better about himself.

 

Most Creative Story Teller

You can guess who gets this award right? You got it, the kid who’s a compulsive liar

 

Look, seriously we don’t need all these awards. Prize Giving events are long drawn out, tedious events as they are. We don’t want more awards to bore us to tears. We just don’t need them all. I never did when I was a kid and even if I thought I deserved one I was only pissed off for a short time. 

Let’s just stick to awarding those who have made real achievements. The ones who actually deserve it.