Blaming the Fairies


Those damn fairies have a lot to answer for.


It’s spring over here in New Zealand at the moment and the lawns, trees and shrubs are starting to sprout up. Before you know it, my lawns will be overgrown and chocka-block with dandelions. Those bloody fairies that inhabit my garden won’t care. They will make no effort whatsoever to keep my lawns trim. It won’t matter to them that my yard looks a shambles. But yet they expect to live in it anyway, the ungrateful bastards.


Why is it they won’t water my plants? I plant flowers, I plant shrubs, but damn it, in the summer time I’m the one that has to go out and water them. If those damn fairies want to have plants to live amongst, why can’t they water them once in a while? Why leave all the work up to me? And then to add insult to injury they come along in autumn and start pulling leaves and petals off of them. I mean what kind of mean-spirited prank is that to do to a guy who goes to the trouble of making his yard look nice? What sort of thanks is that, huh?


The weeds are the worst. No matter how hard I try to keep my yard weed-free, no matter how many times I uproot the damn things, they keep on growing back. Now you tell me, how does that happen? The answer is obvious. It’s those damn fairies again, planting new weeds just to piss me off. You know, they seem to sprout up overnight sometimes, so it’s the only logical explanation. Those damn fairies are trying to make my life miserable!


They’re evil, that’s what they are. Mean, petty, vindictive little creatures. Simply because I don’t want them there and yell at them to go live in someone else’s garden, they’ve taken it on themselves to torment me and persecute me. They seem to want me to do all the yard work for them while they just mess it all up again. Well I’m not having it. I’m not going to be their gardener, I have better things to do. If they want to live in a tidy garden, they can damn well do their own work! After all, they have magic powers, they can damn well use them.




People try to tell me that there is no such thing as fairies, but I know otherwise. Sure I can’t see them, but I can see the results of their laziness and their disregard for people’s property. Weeds don’t just plant themselves. I even find white fairy droppings splattered on the garden furniture. Why can’t those little bastards clean up their own mess after them? They come and they play in my garden and don’t even have the decency to do their business where I’m not going to walk? Oh they’re real alright and they hate me!




You know, I have a confession to make...


The fact is, I don’t believe in fairies. No, not at all. But the fact is some people do. They say there are fairies in their garden and despite lack of proof, they still believe it. They think fairies are great and that fairies actually benefit them, but when it comes down to it fairies are obviously not good as you can see above.


So why blame fairies if I don’t believe in them? You know, that’s a good question. Perhaps it’s impossible to be angry at and to cast the blame on something you don’t believe exists? Mmmm, yes, and I'd say the same would apply to God, wouldn't you?

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